Understood. I have been thinking about it. The only things on it so far are not living without my kids and marriage. I won't tolerate the A
The harsh truth is that you can live without your M. If your W divorces you, you may live 50% without your kids. Some things in life we have no control over. Some men say another guy won't raise their kids.......only to eat their own words.
You won't tolerate an A. That's a good place to explain how boundaries work. You cannot control your W and force her to do things your way. When enforcing boundaries, you control one person's actions........and that person is you. Boundaries are not an ultimatum. A personal boundary is about you. It's as if you have an invisible line drawn around you. It is up to you in deciding what doesn't cross that line to hurt you.
When we purchase a home and a piece of land, we have it surveyed and our neighbor should know where our property lines runs. But how many neighbors have gone to court b/c one neighbor crossed the line to do as he pleased? We have boundaries around our house, and do not allow just anything to come through the doors. The same is true about your person. I bet you don't allow someone to physically punch you in the nose, or insult you, etc. There are just some things we aren't going to take. Our natural defense kicks in when we are being attacked. Our self respect, values, etc.... won't accept cr@p treatment from others.
One thing I can't live without is peace. I've had my share of drama, and don't want to stay in it. One thing I won't tolerate is someone disrespecting me to my face. In both of these examples, it is up to me to take the appropriate action. Are others going to give me peace, or is it up to me to find a way to have peace in my life? If a man makes a crude remark toward me, I can't force him to apologize. But I can remove myself from his presence. It is up to me to find a way to protect my feelings.
So, back to you not tolerating an affair. You know that you cannot live in a M that has a three people. It is up to you to take appropriate action to protect yourself. An example of stating your boundary to your W, would be, "I cannot stay in a MR that has three people, if your A doesn't end immediately, then I will prepare to take the next step". (The next step would be getting your finances protected, and preparing to separate). Now understand, when stating a boundary, she is always free to choose. You are simply telling her that you can't stay in a MR of three people. You are also telling her what you will do, if it continues. This is you protecting yourself. Does it make sense?
I want to caution you about saying something you'll regret. A while back, there were newcomer H's in your shoes. They read the link on boundaries, where it gives the example of not living in an open M. Sounded good to them, so they announced to their WW they would not live in an open M. Guess what? The WW's did nothing. Then the ball was in the H's court........and they (the H's) were backtracking, b/c they didn't want to leave the M. They foolishly thought just stating their boundary was an automatic fix. It's not. In fact, most WW's are going to test it. Therefore, don't say something that backs you into a corner, b/c if you don't stick to your word.......she'll never believe what you say again. Choose your words carefully.
You do not have to make the same boundary. And, you can set boundaries about other things, too. You don't have to take her yelling at you, or treating you disrespectfully. Boundaries are for protecting yourself.
I'll continue with another post.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
