KML, I was moving on two years ago when he left the first time. He saw it and came home. That's when I mistakenly stopped working on myself. I should have not let him come back until it was fixed. Even then I should have used a different strategy. It's comforting to hear that it's not my fault, and that it's about him, but I also have to learn from my mistakes because I made some. If I had done things differently would we be happily married and would everything be perfect? Probably not, but if I had set strict conditions for him coming back, then welcomed him back with love and happiness when he 'passed the test," I believe we would have stood a chance to work through things at least better in a way that didn't lead us to a total crisis.
We each know our own situations best. Looking back, I believe I should have been a more positive person and said to my husband, "imagine how great our life could be if we get help and fix this?" Instead I'd go to him crying at night saying "why aren't you fixing it? When are you going to fix it? How could you do this to us?" Then he'd shut down and close his door and we'd both be miserable.
I've been a negative, spiteful wife which yes, is normal, but that's not productive. I'm not making excuses for my husband's actions but to blame him alone and tell everyone all the bad things he's done without looking at myself is unfair.
My husband has been a terrible father and husband. I hope someday he's sorry because how can anyone do what he's done? But being a nagging, miserable, sad, negative wife didn't help the situation.
That's what I'm trying to communicate. It's hard for me to change from a negative person to a positive person just as I'm sure it's hard for my husband to recognize that he has an addiction or whatever is wrong with him.
My husband's last words before he separated again on September 1st were "please let us have six months to find ourselves to save our marriage."
No matter what it's sad. There's an innocent child who's family is broken and she has no siblings or extended relatives close to her for support. All of my hopes and dreams are gone. So much has been lost. I have to find a way to be more positive but I just don't think saying "screw my husband, I'll be better off without him" is the path I'll take. I'd rather work towards finding a way for my husband and I to forgive each other and make peace. If that's not possible, I'd at least like to recognize how I could have improved the marriage even if I couldn't prevent divorce.
I'll keep reading what you wrote in any case and keep trying to ask myself how my thinking is wrong. Thanks KML!
