WW, A ended, but limbo and unanswered Qs.(My 10th)

[hoosjim]

Have you asked her what SHE wants out of the M? What a healthy reconciled M looks like to HER? What SHE needs in the M? That would definitely give you a good picture to see if you guys are on the same wavelength. ANd it would also be good to show her you are concerned about her needs in the M. Because they do matter. I really believe asking this question will tell you if she is just doing the minimum to appease you and say she tried, or if she truly wants a restored healthy marriage.

Well, i think you really hit on part of it there. Certainly, i thought (or had allowed myself to believe, whichever) that we were "working on the MR". Maybe she even thought we were too, IDK. But then what I said last night is kind of big paradigm shift, even a BD, if that is the case. Going from a collaborative effort (humor me here) to: "This is definitely not working, i don't trust you, i don't feel safe in the MR, i don't feel like you are committed to this and Oh BTW I need sex right now" (And that latter part about the sex is how i am pretty sure she took what i said or at least she said that's how she was taking it and that it bothered her after 15 years of me not wanting that and then all of a sudden "I need that.") Because i didn't discuss any of that with her, thinking i needed to be firm with what i needed and not get sidetracked. At the same time, that feels like its pulling the rug out from under her (assuming she was really working on things). Maybe in her own mind she is, IDK, but i definitely think, given the number of "wrong turns" and "missed exits" she's had over the past couple of months that have put her out on the West side of town near OMs hangout, that that relationship is still pulling at her, and also that she does have some hang ups that are keeping her from being fully committed to being intimate with me.

so that is part of it, but not sure i wanted to go into "What she wants/needs" last night. Maybe I should have.

The other part is probably just the missing her. Our relationship had gotten to the point where it was nice. I enjoy her company. She's fun, and pretty, and warm. And our family had felt like a family again for the past three months. There was always, of course, the hurt in the background of not having her constantly "in my arms", but I'll miss the rest. And her.



My other question for all is: Now that I have dropped this bomb, how should i be acting around her, demeanor-wise. I didn't feel like last night was staged or affected or faked in any way-- i really was bothered and hurt that she didnt or couldnt say those words "Im committed" even as she tried to imply that she was, and I really felt like i didn't want to "be" with her in the MBR.

Now, i find myself wanting to talk with her again, but i also feel like i need to let her make the next move, if there is to be a next move in that regard. I figure if nothing is forthcoming, it will be incumbent upon me to move out (I cant picture her doing so and, unlike at the end of last summer, i don't really have any grounds at this point to insist that she leave.) She has called me once today but i did not take the call...