First Post - Not Sure Where I'm Headed

[Natural]

It's been a week since I last posted. I needed time to sort my thoughts.

I/she was 55 now 9 years later very little has changed after we were divorced at 57 except that I am happy again. She is still running and depressed.?

Any thoughts on why she's still unhappy? Does she have unrealistic goals for how she's to be treated or for her happiness?

My W has always loved being the center of attention. I don't think she is very good at handling fair and equitable terms. Depending on how the divorce goes, she might be very disappointed. I have pre-marital assets and the residue from her adult son's addiction could have a significant impact on the value of our home.

It took me a long time to accept that my happiness was my responsibility, and not my H's responsibility "to make" me happy.

Can you tell us anything else about the marital history?

My W has done lots of personal development work, so I fail to understand why she often insists on blaming things on me. She says I ruined her sex life. She says I (or our marriage) causes her engage in her addiction to junk food. She says her stepson does not affect our marriage. More on that later. I'm aware that I can't enlighten her. She needs to do that herself.

Marital History
Year 1 - This was okay.

Year 2 - She got upset because I worked too much. She started to complain about my driving, called me a sh*tty driver, and called me an a**hole. This continued intermittently (when she got mad) until about Year 7 or 8, when it stopped because a therapist told her it had to stop.

Year 5 - She threw an awesome birthday party for me (age 50). We had 75 people. Two years later, she planned her own 50th birthday party and I carried it out. She is the party planner, the life of the party. I am more introverted, detailed. These were good times.

Years 3-9 - We took about 4 trips to Mexico. Life was generally good. I made decent money and we could afford good vacations. We traveled well together. Both of us, I thought, were fairly happy.

Year 10 - I was laid off. I got a good job 11 weeks later. W was impressed. We took a couple more local/less expensive/shorter vacations since then, but none to Mexico.

Year 11 - Stepson bought a motorcycle with money from his grandparents, didn't get it licensed, didn't get motorcycle endorsement on his driver license, then crashed it and sustained traumatic brain injury. He was in ICU for ~ 2 weeks. W was there every day, all day. I stopped by to support her once a day. I got a new job.

Year 12 - We sold our house and moved 5 miles. I wanted big trees in the backyard. She wanted an updated kitchen. We got both. We moved and were happy. Now she does't like the house so much. Stepson got 2nd DWI. I baled him out of jail. Should not have done that.

Year 14-15 - Stepson started acting out around Thanksgiving to New Years of Year 14. Yelling, calling me a piece of sh*t, etc. I believe this was due to meth, at least partially. Later his girlfriend moved in, things settled down, they paid rent for a few months. Then girlfriend moved out because of stepson's meth addiction. Rent payments ended then. W and I have been in therapy all year. That seemed helpful, but only to get her what she wanted, and she's still not happy. Stepson just lost his job last week. Rock bottom can't be far away for him. I asked W "What now?" She said stepson needs to deal with it.

So we have had lots of happy times, and also lots of problems. I bought a little convertible when I turned 50 and W used to like to take pictures of us smiling in it. I sold it 2 years ago and bought a practical hybrid. W is not very practical, and said once she misses the convertible.

My wife and I are a case of opposites attract. She is loud, sometimes sarcastic (anger coming out sideways), expressive, very friendly. I am more quiet, and have a hard time talking about myself top her without her picking on me for changing the subject. I've frequently asked her how her day was. She has always said "Fine." Even 10 years ago, she said "Fine." I've not been able to get her to share details unless she wants to. I share details of my life and she says stuff like "I don't care." and "I'm not interested."

I am more introverted, an analytical expressive. So I have Nice Guy Syndrome. My W asked me, when were engaged, not to let her "walk all over me." That's hard to do because if I'm firm about things, she gets louder, more blaming, and then shuts me out. So how do I deal with that?

She believes the cause of our D is no sex and no emotional support. It's no small irony that our regular sex life died when stepson turned 18, lived in his room playing video games with no job, and she refused all attempts I made to create house rules. Dictators are not very attractive.

Now fast forward 10 years. I told her a year ago that I was not doing this anymore because stepson was acting up and there were no rules. So we started therapy. The big issue for her is sex and emotional need. The big issue for me is respect and stepson's continuing meth addiction.

She is counting on getting money out of the house. I've not told her this yet, but I need to be sure that stepson and the house are free of meth residue before I will buy her out or sell the house. I've thought about telling her that, but I think it's in my interest to say that only in front of a mediator and/or attorney. This could have significant financial implications for the home value and divorce.

I think I have a few options:

1. Post a notice on stepson's door that he has not paid rent and that I am taking measures to evict him. This will cost me about $300 and a half day of work. Small stuff in the big picture. But it's likely to incite an emotional, potentially abusive battle, and W negotiating on behalf of stepson. Not sure I want that. His behavior is not predictable. I'm not able to predict how he might act out.

2. Wait for the negotiation papers on the divorce. Then bring up the meth contamination and require it be properly tested and remediated, at no expense to me.

3. Test stepson's room for meth with a do-it-yourself kit. This is hard to do, because he does not leave for work anymore.