E....as a father of two young D's I am really sorry for what you are going through, it brings tears to my eyes. Stay strong and I hope you and your family can find the peace you deserve.
My W and I parallel parent and have no contact with our children during the week unless the other parent attends one of their activities. The only time we talk is if something major happens like sickness, an injury or something like that. It was hard at first but I have got used to it over time.
I responded, "forget the legal issues we're dealing with. Feel free not to respond to this. That's fine. I'm just saying you need to stop what you're doing. You're continually putting her in the middle of adult things. It's wrong. It's bad for her. You are doing her harm by doing this. Please think about it. Please stop. You and me isn't you and her and it isn't me and her. Leave her out of this mess. Please think about it. Please.
Let cooler heads prevail my man. I wish we had a picture of a tall, cool, frosty glass emblazoned with STFU that we could pass around to people at times like this Because it would serve as a great mental image whenever something like this triggers you.
There were times that my kids told me W said something that really triggered me like this, and a few times I banged out a hot little text to her. But in the true spirit of STFU, I deleted them without sending. Then later when I had calmed down, I would mention it to her in person, like "D said that you told her I was being selfish, I don't want you or D to think that I am selfish, let me know what I can do to make this better." A lot of times we would discuss it only to find out it was a misunderstanding or something taken out of context, but other times it led to helpful conversations on how we could both communicate better moving forward.
Your W comes off as very angry and hostile, but much of that may be how she perceives you are treating her (controlling her and using money to one-up her). Try to ease the tension by understanding her position and feelings a little better and sympathizing and being more respectful of her. I know that can be hard to do but try it for a few weeks and see if things don't improve. I'm not talking about recon, but just to make the co-parenting go smoother, which will help your D.
I appreciate the "gray rock" suggestion and am going to try that.
AS, I think your advice is great, but I think V's and Vapo's is better. I'm going to try to minimize ANY interaction between us at this point. W can still have her calls with D, I don't see any reasonable way to change that at this point until we go to court and have a final parenting plan.
On another front: I've spent LOADS of time with D this week because school has been closed every day. That's been FANTASTIC. The downside is that Invitations for the birthday party I was giving D (I told XW we needed to do separate parties this year) on Sunday were supposed to go out on Tuesday... and then Wednesday... and then today... and then tomorrow... and now they won't go out at all. So I have to cancel her party, since almost no one knows when and where. I can't even reasonably reschedule since I won't have her on a weekend until mid February. Even her "cupcakes at school" party is a no go at this point, though I'm going to shoot for next week on that so she has SOMETHING from me.
Bummed beyond belief. First birthday as single dad and I screwed it up. XW is throwing her a party at the bowling alley on Saturday, so at least she GETS a party, but I won't be there.
D still had a good week, though. We went to the Trampoline park, we went ice skating, we've done some school work, she got the door knocked on yesterday by her friends down the street (who picked her up in a Cinderella carriage power wheel) and played in the snow and at their house, we took GF to dinner for HER birthday. I wish I could give D a week like this EVERY week!
Didn't mention BD anniversary to anyone. Didn't post here, either. Proud of myself for that.
D's birthday was yesterday. XW had been hounding me all week about getting D with school closed due to weather. Pissed at me for taking off of work to spend time with D, said I was "forced to do it to keep her away from D." FML. D's birthday is "shared" in our interim parenting plan, without specifics. XW wanted to get D on Friday night "so she didn't have to wake up too early" (XW wanted her at 8AM). I declined. This is supposed to be my weekend.
My phone rang at 6:57AM. Then the texts started, just like Christmas. "She awake?" "Can I talk to her, I'd like to wish her a happy birthday" "Wow, you really turned your phone off?!?!?!?" "I know you have that watch on so you're still getting messages so I want you to know! This is not ok!" "You told me to let you know when I think you are not dong right by D, well this is definitely not right!" "I've always woke her up on her birthday even when I was sick. And now you're making me wait until I get her to even sing happy birthday. I wouldn't have took two minutes to talk to her. Thanks."
She was picking her up in a freaking HOUR and treating me like some kind of monster.
Driving to drop off, D told me that I was selfish. When I asked her why she thought that, she said "because mommy says so."
I show up when and where for drop off. Was VERY clear about where (chain gas station in specific town). Send XW a text asking where she is. XW is in another town, expecting me to be there. Same as the week before Christmas. Then calls me an a**hole and says "you do this s*** all the time. bring her here so I can get on the interstate." I refuse, because I have stuff to do, too, I'm in the right place at the right time, and I DON'T need to be driving twenty minutes out of my way. More text, "Boy, I never thought you'd be like you are but now I see you'd do anything to keep her from me even longer. I'm done with this confusing crap you're always pulling."
Confusing crap. "Let's meet at this place at this time." And then I show up there and she goes somewhere else, or she says "oh, I see where you threw that in there" and it's ALWAYS my fault. That's my confusing crap.
I'm not engaging XW at all. Most of my communication at this point is short, direct sentences that are logistical in nature. I still get spew back.
And then... it gets weird again. Has happened before, I don't understand it, it confuses the hell out of me. XW sends me a couple of pictures from the party she had for D. She almost never sends me pictures of D when she has her. Then she asks to keep D a couple of hours extra because they're doing something. Doesn't demand, asks politely. No nastiness at pickup, and then I get a text later thanking me. I don't understand this, it's confusing as hell.
that is some really annoying shyte. I say to have all conversations in writing, and I would also print out the text messages with the date and time clearly showing. Print it all out and keep it in a safe place, def. out of reach of your W (or your D, because you never know what your W could have your D do...).
Doing cupcakes at school tomorrow. XW going to be there.
D was talking to her tonight and started asking about XW's surgery (XW always seems to mention it when she knows I can hear). D asked if a baby would come out of her stomach (I assume that D now knows she was delivered by c section) and if that would be her brother or sister. Then D asks if GF had a baby if THAT could be her brother or sister and then starts saying "Please, daddy, can I have one?"
Awkward. Then XW makes it a bit worse. "You need to stop this [censored], D. I don't know who puts you up to it, but you'd better stop."
There are several defensive techniques you can adopt.
Let's talk medium chill which is a soft skill used to disengage from another person's drama when NC isn't possible.
Medium Chill is neutral affect and giving neutral responses. The focus is on you, your feelings and needs, not the other person or their feelings and needs. You have to enter into each exchange knowing what you require from it and an exit with peace of mind.
In exchanges be assured without being confrontational. At all times appear relaxed and be still. Calm your mind and breathe steadily. Take breaks if you need, excuse yourself go to the loo, make a coffee...... compose yourself.
Never say anything about yourself. Who you are, where you are going, what you are doing, who you know, nor your feelings etc.
Normalise with the weather, the price of milk, dull, dull, dull Don't engage unless you have to do so. Be prepared with scripts and those scripts are light as air. Everything in your world is OK, fine, ordinary.
Decisions are facts, no explanations, discussions. Just pure flat, flat, flat news. No adjectives or adverbs, present tense. Dull dull dull
No drama, her drama is her drama. Her feelings are her feelings. This is a place of no validation, empathy or involvement. No invalidation, discussion or even listening. You may be present in body but your mind is elsewhere. You have somewhere to go.
The other is affecting your behaviour or emotions to jerk your chain, whether it's being nice or angry or nasty. To manipulate you into being pleasant, angry or retort. Just leave it out. Yawn.
I call it the bored listening strategy. As if listening to an elderly relative with painful bunions.
Medium Chill is also using fogging effectively. The masterful art of saying nothing but not quite invalidating. As in there may be something in what you say. Really that's an interesting point of view. There might be something in what you say. Possibly that's true. I might think about it. If you say so. I could check into it.
Just let the other be angry. Ignore it as if it's not happening. Say no without saying no. No, with a big helying of no on the side.
That's medium chill.
Well my version of it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So... I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like I ducked up. I also feel like I did the right thing and I only feel like I ducked up because of XWs rage. I don’t know what to think anymore TBH. A years worth of this make me question myself all the time. I’d appreciate some honest feedback.
Cupcakes at school were awkward. XW texted me with lots of exclamation points beforehand demanding to know what I was bringing. I didn’t respond to those texts. D was happy, XW kept trying to (positively) engage me but I said a total of five words to her the whole time I was there.
Left school and went to my C appointment. I felt good when I was done with that and GF was actually next door (her mother was buying a car) so I got to have lunch with her and her parents. GF and I leave lunch and are driving to my house. It’s about 3:45. We’re a mile from my house and I see XW and D. No idea why she would be there. XW would have gotten D by 3:10 and where XW was parked is between school and my house and not the way she would normally drive home.
I don’t stop. My phone rings and it’s D asking me to come back and see her. I explain that I can’t, that I love her, and will see her on Sunday. D is clearly upset but I tell her to have a good time with mommy. Then the texts start. Typos are hers not mine I’m copy pasting.
XW: EastTN I don’t care if you were GF if you were the [censored] president you don’t do that baby like it
Me: You may have noticed that I never involve GF in your parenting time. Also short visits like that can cause D to get upset. Enjoy your weekend.
XW: I know it upsets her more the fact that you couldn’t stop for two seconds to give her a hug and GF could keep her ass in the truck just saying that is a sorry ass excuse! do not even
XW: She seen you I didn’t I could care two shits about GF but when this baby wants to see you for two seconds to get a hug and say hey the least you could do is act like she is here instead of making that one that’s in your passenger seat right now more Important I do not appreciate D getting upset because she seen you and you can not even stop and wave at her or say hi to her or anything that is a sorry ass excuse. Don’t even try to say it’s because you have GF with you because it’s taking away my parenting time it’s not if she wanted to see you I would bring her to see you but no someone is far more important As soon as you don’t have D around. Get your priorities straight! You are not in the right with this that’s for sure!
Me: Feel free to drop her off and I’ll keep her the weekend. I know who the most important person In The world is and that’s D. And that means she gets to have her time with you on the weekend. Without me. Without anyone from my life that could be confusing to her especially given your living situation. No matter how much I might want to see her.
Please do not text me back unless D needs something.
XW: How dare you bring up my living situation it is not a situation it is a relationship and OM loves her more than I would’ve ever thought possible at least he is not afraid of a seven -year-old that would not hurt a fly like that little Miss priss GF that’s in your seat right now. You say that D is more important but you not even waving at her or stoppingand telling her that you cannot come back to see her shows her Who is more important that’s why I’m telling you what you did Just now was not OK that is a sorry ass excuse do not bring up who I live with or how I live to justify how you just hurt that Ds feelings! Period!
XW: Now take your poor excuses and sit on them this weekend while D is upset and mad and I make her feel better bc she seen how you did her! I sure do hope when GF is around and you have D you don’t do her that way!
And later, when D would normally call:XW: Normally I’d make D call you but I just asked her and she said you make her feel bad. So I’m sorry I will not make her tonight
So... am I an ass? Did I screw up? Have I done the wrong thing? I don’t feel like I can tell sometimes anymore. Is she right? I’m not looking for validation here just honesty. I feel like trash again.
I think you did the right thing. This woman is volatile and your D should not be exposed to any more of this crazy train than possible. You will have to pick a quiet moment with your D to discuss that sometimes when people get divorced it takes a while for all of the feelings to settle down and that you did not want to make things worse by coming back. I don’t think she needs you to tell her that her mother”s behavior was over the top. Even at that age, I think she could see that. Of course just remind her that the entire thing had nothing to do with her. I don’t think I’d mention GF at all or any concerns for her. That might be confusing to your D and feel like side-taking.
You are doing the very best you can in an extremely difficult situation with a very volatile person. Note the number of times she mentioned your GF. She left the marriage after her own infidelity yet she is jealous that you have a relationship. Ignore the OM stuff, that was said to hurt you. People pretend all sorts of things in the early days relationships as part of mirroring. Who knows what his feelings are or what their relationship is.
Don’t beat yourself up. You have good instincts for your D. Your nutty EW just didn’t like being ignored and doesn’t like that you have emotionally moved on.
I think you did the right thing. This woman is volatile and your D should not be exposed to any more of this crazy train than possible. You will have to pick a quiet moment with your D to discuss that sometimes when people get divorced it takes a while for all of the feelings to settle down and that you did not want to make things worse by coming back. I don’t think she needs you to tell her that her mother”s behavior was over the top. Even at that age, I think she could see that. Of course just remind her that the entire thing had nothing to do with her. I don’t think I’d mention GF at all or any concerns for her. That might be confusing to your D and feel like side-taking.
You are doing the very best you can in an extremely difficult situation with a very volatile person. Note the number of times she mentioned your GF. She left the marriage after her own infidelity yet she is jealous that you have a relationship. Ignore the OM stuff, that was said to hurt you. People pretend all sorts of things in the early days relationships as part of mirroring. Who knows what his feelings are or what their relationship is.
Don’t beat yourself up. You have good instincts for your D. Your nutty EW just didn’t like being ignored and doesn’t like that you have emotionally moved on.
Because it would serve as a great mental image whenever something like this triggers you. 
I'm going to try to minimize ANY interaction between us at this point. W can still have her calls with D, I don't see any reasonable way to change that at this point until we go to court and have a final parenting plan.