Thanks Joe and Caz. Here's the thing - my husband and I have been through this before. He left two years ago and because at that time I had confidence, thanks to my excellent marriage counselor, and I was working, and I had a close social network, and I was healthy at that time I was quite strong and my husband came back within eight weeks. He said he was so impressed by how well I was doing. He said he was so sorry, he was so depressed, he couldn't live without his family. It was like a dream-come-true. But then I waited, and waited... He was busy and didn't want to talk about what had happened. Now looking back I understand because he was ashamed and he didn't want to face what he had done. He didn't know how to move on because I held it over his head in every part of our life. I became frustrated that he wasn't doing anything to fix it, but what I should have done was spend time with him. I should have smiled, hugged him, let him go out freely and feel comfort in knowing he had chosen to come back. I didn't do those things though. I was a miserable, sad person who rejected anything he did do.

Now he's gone again, and this time everyone it is my fault. It wasn't my fault that he left the first time and went wild and had an affair. But now he's tired because nothing he did made me happy and he didn't have the strength to talk about his affairs because he knew I'd just keep punishing him.

Guys all I want in the world is my husband but in this latest turn of events, particularly me raising the topic of divorce two weeks ago, I believe my husband really is done because he's tired of all this.

I'm tired too but I just can't bear to think that I didn't appreciate my second chance with my husband. After my husband came back two years ago I stopped seeing a counselor, I stopped reading self-help books, I forgot everything I had been doing to work on myself because I was so happy and now my husband is gone again.

I'd do anything in the world to have one more chance. Just one chance to hold my husband again and to smile at him. He left to go overseas and he didn't even stop by to see our daughter or say goodbye. He didn't respond to my apologies.

I canceled my medical test this morning because I couldn't handle it. I was crying on the phone with scheduler telling her I'm having a personal crisis and can't make it.

Please someone tell me there could be one more chance.

I've never felt this awful. As I said to Joe on his thread I lived and worked in the middle of war zones and I was strong. I lived in a normal house in a normal neighborhood with local guys guarding the building and I dealt with Al Qaeda and all the different militia groups up close and personal. That was dangerous because many Westerners were getting abducted and getting their heads cut off. But I was comfortable with that risk. Now I can't even wake up and take out the trash.

How can I ever get through this? Caz, Joe, Sara, Vanilla, everyone who's been helping - is there no way to exchange numbers or facebook profiles? I'm talking to my friends and therapist but unless you're going through this, or have been through it, you just can't understand. I was telling one of my friends who got divorced a long time ago I had no idea how hard it was because she looked ok from the outside.

There is one divorce support group here where I live but I don't have anyone to watch my daughter at that time.

IF there could just be hope of one more chance with my husband, even if by that point I'd be the one to say it couldn't work, I believe I could start to feel better. But this feeling that it's too late forever is killing me literally.

Sorry guys you've said so many things to help, you've generously shared your time and advice and I don't mean to sound like I don't value it. I'm clinging to your every word. But right now all I can think about is how I blew my second chance and don't have another one. It's so hard just to exist right now.