Hi bttrfly, thanks for the tips on loving kindness. I did go back and read your notes. I do think it's time for me to focus on some meditation. I was pretty good at it for a while.... And like most things, once you start to feel better, you don't think you need it anymore! Must keep putting energy into my emotional and mental wellbeing because it does pay off! In fact, I'm writing this from bed with my lavender diffuser on so I can unwind. My goal has been to go to bed much earlier so I can try to get 8 hours of sleep and wake up earlier. I find that most nights I still only get 5 hours of sleep... My fit bit tells me so! I know I toss and turn a lot, plus I've got some anxiety. Ugh.... Such a work in progress!
Hawho, thanks for your words. This board always helps me to stay grounded and i will keep up the good fight to move towards something that is fair. I MUST learn to look after myself.
Maybe in time I'll be able to share some of the details of the legal side of the sitch. For my own protection, I just have to keep things confidential for now. That sounds crazy saying that, but knowing my ex he may even sue me if he knew I was sharing vague details of our past life together.
Anyway, this all leads me to another one of the byproducts of this experience that I'm dealing with. its kind of hard to explain, but I'm hyper aware of my feelings about this. So here goes....long stream of consciousness comin at ya......
Post marriage, I'm finding myself really intimidated and scared of men whom I perceive to have any authority over me.
I don't have these feelings with men whom I've known for many years and are big shot CEO's etc. its men that I'm newly coming in contact with.
Here's two examples- I'm intimidated by my lawyer and my personal trainer. Specifically, im nervous that my lawyer thinks I'm stupid. And I'm anxious that my personal trainer thinks I'm not good enough to be training with him. I keep thinking that they are judging me.
As I type that, I feel sad. I never used to be this way. I keep digging deep to see if there's some childhood crap in there, but I just relate it to my marriage. My ex was very authoritative in my life for many years. I met him when I was young and since he had more life experience than me, I probably leaned on him more than I should have. It became a very bad dynamic as he was completely controlling... But it was very subtle controlling....this subtle control changed me over time. (Basically because I was pretzeling myself into oblivion trying to please and appease him.).
All of a sudden I became so far removed from myself that I literally had no idea who I was anymore. I've shared some of that before.... Where I couldnt even make a decision to help myself because no matter what I chose I would be wrong.... So I would become kind of paralyzed.
I guess the good news is, I recognize this and I'm trying to work through it, but I'm also frustrated that there's so much more damage to my psyche that I've probably not uncovered yet.
I want to be in a healthy relationship and have a healthy marriage someday and yet I get down on myself that maybe I'm not as together as I want to be and I don't know if I'll ever be the healthy partner.
I don't know... Maybe I need to pick up IC again. Or maybe I just need to keep embracing the uncomfortableness and it will help me move past it. My last IC kept telling me that I was never going to be good enough for my ex... And now im thinking that I need to get some help in learning that I'm good enough period and I can't be afraid of men!
Also, it would be nice to have a good man in my life who likes me for me. Not that I need a man to validate my worthiness.... But it would be nice for a little somethin somethin.... Ya know?!
Grrrrrrr. This is so frustrating. The work continues.......
