Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[Accuray]

rminer,

Sandi is giving you great advice. When W says you don't love her/cherish her/etc. she's just trying to shift the burden of what's happening 100% to you.

Her goal is not for you to love her and cherish her, her goal is to relieve herself of guilt. Therefore, if you argue and contradict her, she's just going to resent you for making her feel more guilty.

There is NO PATH to "nicing" yourself back into this relationship. The only way back is tough love.

To Sandi's points, people value that which they have to work for, and do not value that which is easily obtained. If you throw yourself at her, you're of no value.

she doesn’t feel loved or wanted, I don’t compliment her, it has been going on for years and years, we’ve talked about it but it never changes, she keeps it inside because she knows it will never change, we were just kids when we met and we grew apart, the house is killing her but I would never give it up and that she knew it was over when I stopped caring why she was mad.

"Sorry you feel that way -- I guess we're done then. Will you be packing up your things today, or this weekend?"

That may seem like a laughable response to you, but ironically it would have been the MOST EFFECTIVE response in the moment.

Why?

Because you would have stood up for yourself as a person of great value: (1) you won't allow her to offload her B.S. and guilt onto you, (2) you won't be in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to be there, (3) you establish that if she's unhappy, she should move out and good luck.

You better believe that response would make her stop and think!

You better believe that response would make her doubt her resolve.

You better believe that response would lead her to question who has the power in the relationship and if her prior assumptions about you were accurate.

That's what you want, to shake up her assumptions

Obviously you can't go back in time and replay that, but you CAN analyze that response and what would have happened. You can either believe that would have been the best response, and start to act that way going forward, or you can disagree, and let's talk about what issues you have with it.

Going forward I strongly suggest you begin acting as a person of high value, which means you don't diminish your needs or your status in the relationship. You stand up for yourself at all costs, and you refuse to accept responsibility for things she projects onto you.

I often tell people that the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.

Acc