Don't want to be a wayward wife ...

[BluWave]

Deep breath ... I changed my mind. I am not going to say "goodbye." If he decides to read here, even after I have asked him again not to, then that is his choice. We must all make our own choices and then we must live with how we feel about those choices. I too am living with some choices that I do not feel good about. I think we learn more through those natural consequences and less through other people telling us we are wrong. I do have a feeling though that he will not read here. I also recognize that people can change.

I almost stopped posting after I first joined, when I realized that my H's XOW's XH could be reading here too, but that didn't stop me then, and neither will this stop me now. I now write for all of you, and for both of them. Hello everyone. Thank you for the attention, really, on some weird level, I am actually flattered. That is my perspective now (shrug). Plus, now I can include more details because my anonymity has gone right out the window!

I felt so sad and anxious yesterday typing that good-bye letter, and then later I realized that by doing that, I am still allowing this (and him) to control me and that is not healthy! That is not me anymore. I started to feel that sick, scared feeling and it reminded me of who I was when he left me. I will never be that woman again, she is no longer ...

So as I write from now on, I will do so with the mindfulness that anyone could be reading. Anyone. But I am still going to be myself because clearly, you guys like me the way I am. I like me the way I am. He likes me for the way I am. If you don't babe, you know you can leave at any moment and I will not hold you back. I will never again beg, yell, reduce myself to needing you to be okay. I am not the same woman that you walked out on a few years ago. I think you know that. And thank you for helping me see myself more clearly these last few years. I didn't feel good about myself then in the way I do now, and I think I only changed because you broke my heart and pulled the rug out from under my life. So F-you AND thank you for that :-)

Okay, now that we have our housekeeping aside, let me get to the good stuff. Thank you all for replying. You guys are great. I mean it when I say that I have learned so much about myself here, not just by your comments and questions, but also by reading your stories and struggles. So thank you.

I had a bad night when he slept at his parents, and it turned out he had an even worse night. It was an unsettling jolt into the past, a place we both do not want to be. We both want this to work. But we also realize that what we have been doing is not working. I am not sure what the best path is now, but I am going to have more patience with however it will go. I had this moment last night when I realized that my H continues to stick by me no matter what, and since he has been back, I have lied, pushed him away, and not been a good W. He still believes in me and in us. I think there is something to be said about that. He said again how much he regrets what he did, how sorry he is, and how much he wishes it never happened. I do believe him.

You know it's interesting because words are powerful, and we can say things with an intention, and we can not say things with more of an intention. You guys all had such different reactions to my post. I read every reply, and you know what? You were all right. All of you.

It was wrong for him to snoop and for the many times he has snooped he has been wrong. He has also snooped because in his gut he has felt something was wrong. Haven't I always said that we should trust our own intuition more than anything? And he has been right in that he has found things. He read here that I have been getting attention from other men (yes, not man, but men) and that is something I had not been honest about, not with him and not with all of you. I was getting attention. And I liked it. So yes AS, you were right. And yes C-nut, you were right too. While I am not like your XW in some ways, I also felt myself changing. Blu got her groove back and maybe started having a little too much fun.

There is also another thing that I have not been honest about in the last few years. I developed some unhealthy habits with substance abuse when H left. What started off as prescriptions with just sleep and to cope with severe anxiety and depression, soon became things that were not meant for me and not good for me. This continued well past the time H came back. And he caught me. And I lied. And he caught me again. So while H has broken my trust, I recognize that I have broken his too. ... I also have come to recognize how fortunate I am to not be an addict and to be able to simply make better choices on my own. I am a nurse and have it in my hands every day, and I am so grateful to easily turn it away and to not compromise my life or my job. I know others have not been able to.

The thing is, two wrongs--and two dishonest people--don't make a right. He is not justified in his behavior and nor am I. Something hit me (again) in the last couple days and that is that we really cannot control anyone else, but we really really CAN control ourselves. Like I said in my first paragraph, we all must make our own choices and then we all must live with how we feel about them. I don't like some of the choices I have been making. It is not just because I was caught or because it is wrong, but they are not things that I feel good about or proud of. I want to feel good about my choices and the natural consequences of them. And I just can't ignore the fact that I have this man here that still loves me and sticks by me even when I screw up or convince all of you that I am right.

This is far too much drama for one day. Even for me. I am gonna go and clean my house, deal with some sick kids, and then hit the climbing gym.

Confessional is over. And no more goodbyes. Not for now!

Blu