Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

Thanks Job.

Journaling...

I never thought I would say this, but I am currently envying people who do not have to put up with their MLC spouse living in the house.

Sometimes, he is so sane and he toe-dips into emotional awareness and personal insight and seems to be taking responsibility for his emotions and caring about mine.

And, then, one day, bam, he does the same thing he always does... asks me if I'm okay when I seem to be upset and I answer him (4 sentences or less!) and he has a freak out. How do I not get lulled into this belief that he's going to be a perfectly reasonable human being? Like, I struggle so much with keeping my expectations at zero when he's been kind and thoughtful and responsive.

There are days when I wish I didn't have to put up with him and his unpredictability, his wild mood swings, his nonsense.

I don't want to bear the full burden of running a household on my own. I want to Stand for my marriage. I want to be a person who makes it through to the other side, marriage in tact. I realize that my H doesn't seem to be AS batsh*t crazy as some other people's MLCs, and sometimes, I wish he was so that I could really, truly let go of the expectation that he treats me like someone he cares about.

HaWho, I seriously do not know how you managed for over 3 years of this. Sometimes, I want to burn the bridge and get on with it already. To be out of limbo regardless of the consequences. Sometimes, I want him to GO already.

And, I swear, when I feel that way, he KNOWS it. Because when I get close to my own breaking point of "I've had enough", he cleans up his act and says/does JUST ENOUGH for me to calm down. Like, he's not emotionally aware but he plays me like a puppet sometimes. Intentionally? No, I don't think so. But actually? 100%