Separation imminent (cont.)

[Hermes]

Its been a while...
Update...
I went to my oldest Brothers and shared with him/wife... He's been in the know for some time... and very supportive.

While there, WW told me she wanted to tell her parents... I said I thought we were doing this together...
She did it anyway while I was going to Airport to fly home...
I spoke to her parents separately and took responsibility for my part in this.
They said it's between us and I'm family and they want to be part of my children's lives. they are only concerned for them.

I told my parents individually... again my part in this only...
they cried... but by Dad said he saw this coming in 2007 (but didn't say anything to either one of us... so not sure why he needed to share now).
They also said they want to be friends with her and have grandchildren in their lives.

She told her siblings... the oldest one knew things were rough because I'd shared that much while trying to help him.
The middle sibling told WW that this was the last thing she ever expected her to say and she was just shocked... She is still crying daily about this.

I reached out to middle sibling and her husband to say how much I enjoyed being their Brother-in-law and getting to know them over the years.
Sister said she still can't talk about it without crying... but when she can she will reach out. brother-in-law, said he knew it was coming as I'd shared how difficult things had grown btw us.

Told kids this past Saturday night... S15 just stared D13 cried and then went to her room.
WW hugged them both as did I...

We each said something essentially that they are our focus now.. we cannot agree on what to do @ marriage so we now need to get divorced, and they are best decision we ever made.

That said, we've been arguing a lot more recently and inevitably she says something that triggers me to calmly reply... (e.g. this is really hard for me, I know you think it's easy... Me; Not as hard as it is for me... you are getting what you want, have a great life planned with OM, etc.) I also tried to get her to be honest with me about anything (e.g. last Friday she again came home at close to 7pm... I asked if she stayed at work until she came home... she of course dodged q and refused to answer..). She said she knows that I think what she did is wrong, she feels bad about it, she knows she's I think she's going to hell (I told her at one point that she really out to go to confession for all of this I never said she'd go to hell [just pointing this out]).

I've told her variously that 1) I wish I had kicked her out the moment I found out about the Affair last Summer; It's so damn hard even seeing her around knowing what she's doing, next week can't come soon enough. She's offered to leave now... I said, where would you stay OM's?

She now says she just sit's back and takes all the rocks I want to throw at her on a daily basis (I don't think it's daily but again her experience is different than mine and she takes ANYTHING I say like this (e.g. you going to celebrate Valentine's with him?)), she says she's strong enough to take it and throughout this whole thing she hasn't thrown any of the things I did to her in my face (which is mostly true; but all of these are 95% historical; over half a year in the past; I pointed this out to her whereas what she is doing continues unabated).

Know ultimately none of this matters; I've even told her that I know I'm only pushing her farther away by arguing with her at this point...

It's been really hard with Kids as she keeps telling them how this won't be so bad... (Her apartment has a Pool, lake behind it so S15 can fish whenever he wants, etc.) She also is trying to tell them that nothing will change with Holidays... I told S15 we don't know that, I don't know if I will still be welcome at Her Parents after everything is said and done, or if I would be able to as it would be extremely awkward... So sometimes they will be with me on holidays and we'll figure it out.

She wants everything to be "the Same" e.g. the holidays that we went to her families, we'd alternate and one of us would take the kids there... the holiday they all come to our house (soon to be my house)... they'd still do this, and she'd just come over and help cook meals before going back to her apt.)...
I don't know that I want that or will be able to do that...

Last night I pointed out to kids that this was the last Sunday meal we would ever have as a family together... WW got upset at me later. She said If I have to destroy her in the kids eyes to feel better, that's ok but she hopes I can live with it.

I said back, wow, I could say the same thing about you and AP and what you are doing... What's your plan... wait 3 months 6 months and then magically start dating each other publicly and hide the 3 year affair that destroyed the marriage? (again never raised my voice, said this very calmly etc.)

She pointed out once again that this isn't why she's leaving... and that even now how she feels doesn't matter to me... she will always feel less than my equal... that I am incapable of placing her needs before my own.

I know I failed to be able to show her this given what was going on... and at any rate It was unlikely at best that I could have shown her this... she refused virtually everything I tried.

There's so much negative history (2/3 on my side as it turns out now that I'm really introspecting on it...) that I really should just let her go.

I realize we need to be great co-parents for the kids... and that I've likely just cemented the Divorce 100%... If it wasn't already (The only thing that might tank it is the AP is Incredibly Anxious around her... want's constant affirmations of love... emails, calls, etc. multiple times/die but she is so far actively engaging so time will tell...). Even if/when the A tanks... I'm pretty certain she will never come back as she only sees the negative in our relationship... and the mountain of negative things that happened in the past... I've acknowledged that I acted like a child a lot of the time, held things in, argued historically, got upset rather than communicating with her. etc.

Just [censored] that I know what largely went wrong and I know all these things are "fixable" but she can't doesn't want them to be fixed between us (given just how long they went on for). She's wasted too much of her life with me already.

I've decided that I need to move on with my life...
I told her when she moves out, I will only speak to her about kids and only when necessary... Until the Affair is over. I've ignored this for far too long.
I also told her she no longer has the right to come into my home without first contacting me... she feels like she has the right as she will be paying for half of the mortgage and that in any case there is a time period where it's ok for her to do this to get her stuff...

I have a trip in Feb for work... she said, she/kids would come over each day to take care of pet... I'm not really comfortable with this... I'm thinking of having a neighbor do this and just pay them.

She's also said to me that she wants to be flexible with me, she will help out when she can and hopes that I will as well if I don't have plans... she also said, she'd be willing for us to still get together for family dinners if/when the kids want this.
I know as far as divorces go, I should be really happy that she's being so "nice" (at least right now).

I know I need to treat her with respect... not throw her under bus, etc. It's just REALLY hard as NO-ONE in her family or my parents knows what the real deal is @ affair.

My S15suspects as WW is always late and stays at work until 7-8 every night, goes "Out" and doesn't say what she's doing or with whom (just a friend etc.).

My WW older sibling had this happen to him years back and he STRONGLY suspects Infidelity... It was really hard not exposing this to him/parents... says it will all come out eventually...

One of my siblings also feels this way...

Know exposure won't bring her back... after D is final I just want close family to know this was what finally tanked our relationship in addition to all of the things I did and things she did.

I am still waffling with if/when she introduces the OM to our kids (which I'm relatively certain will happen in the next year) letting kids know just that mom started dating/seeing him back in March 2015 and this was one of the final reasons that we needed to get Divorced, she wouldn't stop seeing him. (I've already told her I don't want this guy to be a part of our kids lives after the pain he's caused all of us.

I realize now through Talking with WW... that when I was in my depression, and had shut down emotionally... essentially ignoring her, or lashing out at her... she felt like she was abandoned on a daily basis and it hurt so bad... until one day it didn't anymore... and she decided to move on...

I'm just sad as even though I know given where things are at, this is what needs to happen...

Know I have to look out for my financial interests at present (Mediation starts really soon).

As to letting go... I am contemplating starting to date again once she's out of the house and we're separated... It's been 6 months without female companionship/contact, and I do miss just having someone to do things with (looking for casual not a new partner). Know everything MWD teaches says not to do this until D is final... I can move this along faster if I choose (she REALLY wants this all behind her... but is being nice in allowing me to control this to some extend for a while... She's got her paperwork done for mediation, I just need to get mine in order so we can start).

as to custody 50/50... so we're trying a couple different patterns for kids... 5/5/5 then 7/7/ then 2/5/2/2/5 (she wants the latter as going a week without seeing them would be too hard)

She's trying to get kids excited about new apt... S15 told me today it's really nice... there's a pool... I said, there will probably be a lot of kids there... he asked why, I told him with a lot of 3 br apts... I'm willing to bet there are other kids there who will be hanging out by pool in Summer.

Sometimes it feels like I'm just being upset/obstinate about this because she's so OK with it all... deep down inside, I don't know that I'm truly bothered by this anymore.

Know this was somewhat disjointed... but a lot on my mind lately...

Thoughts on any/all of this