Well, I wanted to come here and address several of your posts, but something has changed. With a very heavy heart, and many tears, I must say goodbye. At least for now. My H found my thread and has been reading it. Perhaps he has been reading all along? I don't know, but I feel vulnerable and completely betrayed by him. Again.

I started posting after he came back. I never told him about the book, the name of the site or my username, and I asked him to please respect that I am a part of a private and supportive community. I used private browsers and I deleted my history. I must have slipped up somewhere along the way. I have naively been opening up here, as if he would respect that privacy, and I realize that was foolish of me. This is not the first time he has snooped and I am starting to question if I have been giving him far too much credit overall. There have been many times he he has done this, including while he was with OW.

I am not sure if I am writing this to all of you or to him right now. He says he will no longer read it, but I don't believe him. I feel as if he has taken my diary and can access all of my private thoughts. I feel like I just found out a neighbor has been looking through my windows. Did he see my yell at my kids? Did he see my naked? I just have this awful pit in my stomach.

I have been crafting this long list of reasons this M is dead and it's time to move on. I have been doing that for some time now. I actually came up with this list in my mind of all the reasons to leave. Right now though, I just don't feel safe. I feel uneasy and nervous. I have this sick feeling in my stomach like I did when he was gone. He spent the night at his parent's last night, but this time, he took my privacy with him ...

I am not going to list out for you why this M is dead. In fact, there are several things I have not shared with you about him. I wanted to be able to accept these things and these were things I knew about him before the M fell apart. But what is it I have been saying to you all along??? Let them go. Don't focus on them. Focus on you. I know that I too have made a lot of mistakes and need to improve!

The difference now, if we do split, is that I am not afraid to be alone. I don't need him to be okay. Yes, things will be hard. This will mostly be very hard on our kids and our finances. But hard on me? I don't know about that. This feeling right now, of not having privacy and feeling nervous and untrusting, seems far worse than being alone. If there is one thing this community has taught me, it is that I will be just fine. I am stronger than I know.

And to all of you that want to bash your S and focus on them, I am sorry I said that and I will not judge you. Bash away. I feel like that too sometimes. I feel like that right now actually! But we must all reach a point where we value ourselves more than that. We must put our own needs, wants, desires, and integrity first. We must be our own pillar of strength and love if we want to offer it to others. I think I am getting better at that.

And we must have patience--patience with ourselves and others. So even if my coworker doesn't love my intention, it is mine. So I am going with it. I am going to try and have more patience with this process and more patience with my life. I know I have the power to make a lot of things happen, but do they always feel like the right things in the aftermath? Sometimes we just need to exercise patience and let life unfold as it should. Or as it will.

I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now, but I don't think they will serve me. I am not going to sit and dwell on what was or what should be. I am going to dust myself off and go about my day. I am going to let patience into the drivers seat and put the rest away for just now. I know I have made a lot of mistakes too. I hope to learn from them. I am going to start today by not making those mistakes and then tomorrow I will try again. I think that's all I can do.

So goodbye friends. I hope this isn't goodbye forever. You all have given me so, so much. You guys believed in me, you trusted me, and I have learned so much about myself, the good and the ugly. ... and if you want to leave a message for my H here, or maybe a middle finger, be my guest!

Much love and patience to all in 2018,
Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela