Yeah, the daily phone calls were pretty much for US and not her. The problem with changing that is it's the status quo. Upsetting the apple cart in the middle of a custody case just seems like a bad idea, no matter how much I'd like to change it at this point. The good news about the morning call is it happens in the car on the way to school, so it's not really disruptive--her evening call is fall more intrusive.
I know I've got support and backup. Lots of it, though most of it lives far away (I have no family except D locally). I have some good friends locally, though not many who have gone through this.
XW wanted to take D tomorrow. I said "schedule says she's with me me even years" and the response I got was, "Whatever. The parenting plan and coparentng is only useful when it's convenient for you. Gotcha!"
What about IC for your D? Do you have something set up for her when you tell her you are not her biological dad? I think it would be really useful regardless.
I did not save my marriage and I did not even have a subsequent R last more than 6 months in the last 10 years. My D was a baby when we split. I had no help. Some emotional support, but I was on my own. My job became an issue with schedule and I had to bounce around. I spent quite a few good years just focusing on my D and keeping my life together. May my R's fail and I have a really bad man-picker, there is one area I will brag in. I have raised my daughter, almost single-handedly, fabulously against one of the hardest circumstances. If I could share with anyone what I learned through trial and error, I always will. Because it was trial and error sometimes. Now, at 10, I look at my D everyday who is so well adjusted, loving, smart, bright, and minimally affected by all of this. Affected, yes, but minimally. I do not give that credit to my ex, either. I give it to me.
This is not me saying I know the only right way, or anyone is doing anything wrong. This is my way of imparting knowledge gained in truly, one of the most difficult circumstances of my life.
The problem with changing that is it's the status quo. Upsetting the apple cart in the middle of a custody case just seems like a bad idea, no matter how much I'd like to change it at this point. The good news about the morning call is it happens in the car on the way to school, so it's not really disruptive--her evening call is fall more intrusive.
My opinion is that if YOU dont like hearing XW butt in on these phone calls, then you are certainly welcome to back away from them on your end. If XW wants D to call her twice a day, then Id say accommodate it. But I feel like you get regularly frustrated by the calls you make to her. And Im not sure what the benefit of them is.
As Ginger said, just tell D you love her, and youll hear all about her day/week/whatever when she gets back. And let her know if she ever wants to call to just ask mommy and you will make it happen.
Vapo, water off a duck's back is sometimes easier said than done.
Ginger, My C is going to help my talk to her about this, and she is going to let me know if she thinks D needs to see someone. If she thinks so, she'll give me a referral.
Kaizen, the way we have it set up, whoever has her is responsible for calling. So I answer and talk to D a couple of minutes when she calls me, and I'm not calling her anymore. I also don't text her mother anymore when she doesn't call. I figure that's the best I can do.
Last night, D told me that mommy said that I was being selfish. That I just wanted to spend time with her, and not her and mommy (I don't know if D meant that as XW said I didn't want her to spend time with D, or if XW told D I didn't want to spend time the three of us together).
School is closed tomorrow. I took the day off of work. XW sent me a text asking if I wanted her to come get D. I politely declined, "thanks for the offer, but I'm taking the day off."
Tonight, D came into my bedroom while she was talking to her mother. Told her mother she wanted to come to her house tomorrow. XW told her that I was taking the day off. Then XW said, "you COULD have come here, but daddy wouldn't let you."
I sent XW a text. "Your comment to her that 'you could have come here but daddy wouldn't let you' isn't appropriate. You can't talk to her like that. You can't keep putting her in the middle of adult issues."
She responded with "I said daddy took off already. I;m talking to her not you right now."
I responded, "forget the legal issues we're dealing with. Feel free not to respond to this. That's fine. I'm just saying you need to stop what you're doing. You're continually putting her in the middle of adult things. It's wrong. It's bad for her. You are doing her harm by doing this. Please think about it. Please stop. You and me isn't you and her and it isn't me and her. Leave her out of this mess. Please think about it. Please.
Her response: "Legal issues that a dad wants to keep the child from the mother because the dad makes loads of money and can shell out for the best of everything! Yeah money isn't everything, EastTN! One day you will see that! You can't control me anymore with your words and what powers you had over me! You will see that one day, keeping her from me is the biggest mistake not me leaving you, it was you taking me for granted and then using me! We agreed verbally that you'd watch D the rest of the school year since I was in Othertown! Then you wrote paperwork up come to my house threatened my by saying that id I didn't sign them that I would be summonsed and I asked what does that mean? You said well there would be a police officer come here and give you court orders. Then I asked well what if I don't go. You said well you'll go to jail! You know you may have had me in the mental state that I was but I remember very clearly being told I risk going to jail! And then not a few days later I went in and signed the papers not really realizing about the D stuff but only the divorce. DO you remember what I called you for sitting there? It was to ask you if you was happy! You played me like a fiddle! You have used me, abused me in ways that don't show physical scars, you have hurt me more than I thought anyone could ever hurt me! You are still doing so by trying to take the only thing I have EVER done right in this [censored] world away from me! I allowed you to be around her all those years ago! You just come and never left! After we married the first thing you did was get me to sign Ds adoption papers. You used me all those years! I was never your wife, you never put me as 50/50 on anything. You had me believing that what was yours was mine and what little I had was yours. And you took EVERYTHING from me by taking D! Everything! You wanna sit there and say I'm not a good mother and I'm a bad person and everything else? Why don't you look in the mirror and ask who was there every second of every day of her life?! Who picked her up from school every day and dropped her off every day!! Who made sure she was taken care of every day! Who was with her every day! Now don't you dare ever call me a bad mother again! All I ever tried to do was to get you to spend more time with us and I couldn't! Now you're forced to spend more time with D since you are using her to get back me me because I tore the family apart! No because you was only the good husband, actually you was never there! We never did anything unless I asked. I never spent money because I never knew how much we had. I didn't do a lot of stuff that you say I did but or didn't do! But that's just how you remember things. I remember though that you was only home about 5 hours a day and your time and mind was never with us! Then on the weekends we was lucky if we did anything. I have shouldn't have more to say but I do, I'm just done with it for tonight. P.S. you can stop insulting me with your bs and saying oh thanks for the offer!"
Me: "I'm not going to fight about our marriage. Ever again. We disagree on what happened. And I think we're passed ever being able to talk about it. Please don't put our daughter in the middle of this. I'm literally begging you. Please XW. She says things that break my heart. Not because they hurt me (some of them REALLY DO hurt) but because they're things she shouldn't ever have to deal with. Leave it between us. Leave it to the lawyers. Please leave her out of it."
XW: "Of course you think it is bc of the marriage. You never see the point and always flip everything where I'm the bad person. Bravo EastTN thanks"
Keep fighting the good fight for your D. Avoid text wars whenever possible. Don’t let her re write history.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
what Vanila said. Stop engaging her into pointless arguments, which only raise tensions on both sides. I am not saying that you don´t have a valid point there, but talking to the she devil is obviously talking to a brick wall.
Man, I wold hate to be in your shoes (my Ex was never this extreme, but she did have her moments. You are nearing the 1 yr mark post BD, and things should slowly turn on the up for you.
Stay strong buddy, you got this. I would cease with the calling of D whilst the is in your W's care and viceversa. It´clearly only pouring fuel on the fire...
