The thing that makes me the most nervous about it is that she won't know WHY I am doing it if we don't have the R discussion and she doesn't know that I know about the A.
Oh, she'll know! Besides, you aren't having conversations now, so why do you think you'll be able to have a R talk? As I previously stated, it won't get you any closer to resolving this problem.
I want to make sure you understand something about the 37 rules. They started out as bullet points, and therefore, not much explanation. Some people misunderstand and think they are being told they should act cold/angry. They think they aren't suppose to say a word to their spouse. That's not true. The picture your spouse needs to have of you is one who has a positive mental attitude, doesn't go around looking like he's lost his last friend, and one who has an agenda that does not include her.....an agenda she doesn't know about, and is not given any details. I'm talking about GAL. But I'll get into that subject later.
Yes, this sounds opposite of what seems logical to you. Remember, she doesn't think like you. She's not concerned about you, and frankly, not very interested. The first thing MWD tells us to do is stop being as available, and to step back and give the spouse space. Plenty of space. That includes texting throughout the day, following her around the house, crowding her with your presence, asking her a lot of questions, trying to engage her in a conversation, or trying to keep her hanging on the phone as you continue talking. When you start stepping back from her, she'll notice. She'll play dumb and ask you what's wrong, just like you've previously asked her. That's when you just look at her and say, "Should there be something wrong"? Or, you can say, "Nothing". She'll know!
Here's the thing, you don't want to appear as if you are not engaged with her b/c it's your way to punish her.....or b/c you're just a jerk. You want to appear as if you have other things on your mind, and that you are busy getting a life. When she sees she is not the center of your world, she'll have two reactions. She'll want to know why, and if she can't find out....she'll probably get mad. But that's okay, let her get mad. You aren't being hateful, but you aren't kissing her a$$, either. You are just......emotionally detached. What has your attention? The more she becomes interested in you, the more she'll be distracted by the OM. But I'll warn you, in all probability, it won't be as easy as it may sound and won't be happen quickly. You have to really work at it.
This may sound like a bunch of game playing, but I'm telling you what works and doesn't work. She has lost attraction for you. Therefore, you need to find the guy you once were and get that attraction going for you again. Not being available to her at all times, is one of the first steps. Doesn't sound like something a good H would do.....be unavailable, right? Well, she has fired you as her H.
In order to create a certain attraction, you will need to stop being available to her at the drop of a hat. I'm not say to ignore your responsibilities. I'm talking about doing personal favors for her. Catering to her, running errands, rescuing her, doing her work she left undone, grabbing the phone every time she calls, keeping the kids when she wants to go out to play at night, etc. Stop being a "Yes Dear" kind of H. Stop taking orders from her. You are not her employee.
Although you are a parent and have responsibilities, try hard to find the man you were before M, or become better. He's the guy she fell in love with, and she can do it again. First step is to get the attraction back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
