Thanks, Forward for weighing in on my thread. I do appreciate the comments from those who have gone before because there is always something to gain. Your comment is so correct about securing finances. I got to a lawyer early on and it's all good. I'm protected, house is protected, investments protected. Nothing to worry about and I can relax. H has plenty to worry about though - LOC and charge card in his name and spending freely on those accounts. Typical for a MLCer. Pre-nup when we married protects me from any debt he incurs under his own name.
Standing for me is this: Not waiting for H to come back, moving forward in my own life and not pining for him either. All this means to me is that I am open to the possibility of a reconciliation if enough pieces fall into place. Many MLCers never get it and never mature but everything I've read suggests that most do come out of the MLC eventually. If not, it's an absolute deal breaker. No way, no how. If my H never changes, there will never be a recon. Or if he changes for the better, even much better, but the dynamics for us are off, then that's a deal breaker. We are both going to change so who knows really whether there is even going to be an attraction?
There are stories out there of couples who have made it and thrived. They say their marriage is better than ever. Many have been reconciled for many years. Not just a few years but 10 years, 20 years or more. I agree this could be rare. I also wonder though, if that is because the MLCer never recovers or is it more to do with the LBS saying "enough!" or is it that the MLCer never recovers.
My H has lots of space from believe me - probably more than he wants. I have let go and I am quite detached and happy these days. I don't contact him at all unless very important. I don't question him about his life, his OW, nothing. I ask no questions either. I wasn't always like this, especially in the early days but now being this way is almost second nature to me. Do I miss him? Yes, but he will not hear me say that. Do I still love him? Yes, but again he will not hear me say that. If we talk at all it's because he calls me and those calls are pretty frequent. We rarely talk longer than 5 minutes though. I keep it to business, as we are not friends. I'm pleasant though and it keeps things very calm. He doesn't monster either so that's good.
My Standing right now only says I am keeping that option open with no expectations. My Stand can also be dropped anytime if I decide I no longer want that option.
I think a lot of people think that Standing is sitting around at home and waiting for their MLCer to return. That's being a doormat, not a Stander. It's also not not Letting Go, and getting on with life. MLC takes a long time to resolve. Best to just move forward and stop watching their MLC journey. Otherwise that long time to resolve can feel like an eternity.
I don't agree that most MLCers do not recover. I think most do and I have read this many times. What is true though, is it takes a very very long time. Sometimes 10 years! So a lot can happen in the LBS's life over 10 years and I hope lots happens in my life in the next 10 years. No expectations for a reconciliation either, and I hope one day soon I will feel strong enough and secure enough in myself to enjoy a relationship with someone new. I'm not there quite yet though. It's a work in progress and I believe I am making good progress! Overall I am excited about my future and see it has many possibilities. But I am still a Stander - meaning only that it's a possibility, but nothing more than that.
It took me awhile to figure out how to get on with my own life and survive this turbulence. Quite awhile, but I have made great strides lately and I feel strong, happy, relaxed. I've also let go of the resentment, and the anger and the fear. I enjoy living alone now without feeling lonely. My IC is very pleased with my progress. We have tackled a few major issues and it's all coming together quite nicely. Going forward - whatever happens, happens and I will be fine.
My rings question: I have a beautiful heirloom ring from my Mother who passed away recently. When I wear it on my Right hand, and nothing on my Left hand, it feels like I am revealing my availability which I do not want to do right now. So for months, I have not worn a ring on either hand so no conclusions can be drawn about my availability. Only thing with that was that I wasn't enjoying wearing my mothers beautiful ring. So then I thought, wear the ring on the right hand and wear something on the left. Wedding band is all I have so tried that and it doesn't feel right at all. So off it comes and then Job suggested an obvious solution that feels fine to me and not at all deceptive.
