I want to Stand, but think it's hopeless.

[forward]

GP,
I was a champion stander, but now I urge people to look very carefully at reconciliation. I just do not see large scale data on people restoring marriages successfully after an affair. (If you find otherwise, I'd like to see it.)

Oh sure, there are stories where there is a reconciliation of sorts--but I want to know things like Was it really permanent? Or did it last a year or two or ten, only to have the abandoned spouse abandoned again? And how does each person see the marriage? There is silence there.

I "stood" a long time. I am not sorry that I did, because it allowed me to find myself and move on. But I now realize that there is a broken trust that is nearly impossible to repair--especially when you're dealing with someone who is childishly sulky and doesn't want to make the effort anyway. The abandoned spouse is left to wonder, What did I do?-and is often unfairly blamed for the affair. He was unhappy? Well, there were honorable ways to end things. In my case, my spouse abandoned right when I really needed him--when the going was tough, and not even that tough (he's got it much tougher now). And--chew on this--he later got involved with someone else (not the original OW, who was as narcissistic as he is) who was given a terminal diagnosis--and he BROKE UP with her, adding to her unhappiness and suffering in her last six months. I will never forget that. That told me a lot about how weak he is.

You are right--the common denominator in his unhappiness is HIM. He is going around bad-mouthing things you and things you care about. This is not a friend! Give him the space and starting thinking about fresh starts and new things.

As far as a house, I will share what I see: a house is just a box where you keep your stuff. I watched my parents hang on to lovely family home only to struggle to maintain it as they aged and then have to leave sooner than they wanted because the house had stairs, was isolated, not close to transportation, and was otherwise a bad place to be with issues of aging. Most people, I think, stay too long in homes that are too big. If you are retirement age, I believe it is better to shed stuff sooner rather than later, and you have fewer issues long-term. The happiest people I see in retirement are those who live small and simple in places where they have support. Maintaining a larger home might be a real mistake. I have a hard time thinking about leaving my home...but still need space for teen/tween kids. I will push New Husband to move when they have moved out. You may have been given a gift here--I assure you that it is much better to have this choice now as opposed to 15 years from now.

Just my opinion. Let's just say that once I went through this, I see it differently. People who run off and have affairs have big issues on their plates. Spouses left behind cannot solve or fix those issues--they can only fix their own. And I believe the spouses who leave take years to work through them, IF they ever do, and I now don't believe they often do. What seems more common is that they drift around aimlessly, hurting other people and feeling very sorry for themselves.

I would say stand as you need to, but protect yourself financially, give him the space YOU need, and let go. I found that having spouse hanging around sort of friendly-like and then finding out he was bad-mouthing only hurt more. So I am not exactly sorry that I was friendly, but I would not encourage it in someone in your shoes, either.

IF he ever re-emerges, you are not starting at square one with him. You have to start with knowledge that he was willing to do this once, without enough remorse to stop, and that is below square one.