Well thanks, that helps me to hear you say it. I know it makes no sense to you, but if you will always remember that her thoughts are not logical. That's why we say not to believe anything she says, and only half of what you see with your own eyes. BTW, that is a metaphor. If you can get your head around the fact she is not logical, then that might help you.
The next thing that may aide you in understanding her mindset, is that she is completely selfish. If she cannot benefit from a situation in some manner, she's not interested. Selfishness is her main motivator. Even if she was never self centered in the past, she is now.
You just have to continue to remind yourself that she is not the girl you M.
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One thing you didn't answer though. Would it be wise to try to talk to her about "us," or the A (without proof)? Should I just let her know I will talk when she is ready and let her come to me?
I always thought issues could be worked through if people would just talk it out. But guess what? I was wrong! Although you will be tempted to have a relationship discussion, don't do it. Know why? B/c the LBS never accomplishes anything by talking to the wayward spouse. It is a complete waste of time, and can even cause the sitch to be set back. He may feel emotionally better afterwards, but she'll pull away the next day. All the WW understands is action. She won't hear what you say, but she watch your actions. Let your actions be your conversation.
Never confront her just to let her know that you know what she's doing. Not unless you have a plan of action to follow. B/c if she knows that you know she's in an affair....and yet you are sticking around.....then her disrespect goes through the roof. You can't reason with her, and by trying to do so only makes you appear as though you are trying to change her mind. She will be highly resistant to your persuasion.
Continue to read. Set personal goals. When you get enough information, you can put together a plan of action. But the first step is getting informed. Don't jump into anything you don't understand. Too many H's acted before they understood the ramifications.....and then suffered the consequences. Don't make matters worse by not knowing what you are doing.
Have you read the 37 rules? Any questions?
I think reading about DBing detaching, and setting boundaries is something you need to do right away. IMHO, those are more important than trying to read through everyone's thread. Don't have the idea that some of those links don't apply to your sitch.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
