Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[sandi2]

I do stand up to her, but most of my work day is spent standing up to people. I do tend to pick and choose my battles at home. Maybe a little too much? I do get what you are saying though.

Good, I'm glad you understand. And, I understand having to deal with people on your job all day, and just wanting a little peace when you get home.

Well, I would begin with not accepting any of her outward disrespect toward you, especially in front of your children. If she puts you down, makes demands, bosses you around, talks down to you, raises her voice, curses, mocks you, makes you the butt of a joke in front of others, calls you names, stomps her feet or snaps her fingers at you, talks at you through the kids ("Tell your father such & such") when she is right there in the same room......are some examples of showing disrespect. Many H's are so conditioned to behavior like this, until they act as if they can't see she is disrespecting him. Over time, her level of disrespect increases, and if the H does nothing about it, the MR will suffer. Woman was designed to where her loving feelings for her H is tied to her respect for him. (You can read more in my WW threads.) If you know how to handle bullies at work, you'll know how to stand up to your W. She won't like it, b/c she's gone so many years doing it, but if you tell her you won't be talked to in that manner (or whatever she's doing), she will respect you for standing up to her.

There is a link about boundaries in the homework Cadet sent you. Read it carefully, b/c you need to understand the difference in boundaries from ultimatums; how to state a boundary; and how to enforce it. With most WW's I've read about, the H has to be prepared to enforce his boundary if it's not honored.

From this point forward, I hope your actions will be from the standpoint of how you can gain the respect of your W. If you gain her respect, you'll gain her love. In everything you do, every interaction with her......ask yourself if she can see a strong, confident man. A WW respects one thing......strength. So, instead of trying to prove how much you love her.....you need to prove your male dominance.....as the head of your home, the H, and the father. You are the leader at your address. One of the biggest reasons a W loses respect for her H is his lack of male dominance. That doesn't mean you become a bully. It means you start showing your children the role of the man in the home. Don't leave all the decisions up to your W. Don't give in to everything she wants, just to keep her in a better mood. A WW hates passivity in a man. It's just a guess that with her dominating personality, you have given her the rule of house and she makes most every decision around the home and kids.....and maybe more, while you do your thing when you come home from work.

You will be required to do things that feel completely opposite of what you've heard or read in some magazine article or the latest book about how to have a more loving MR. By the time people get to this board, their MR is in crisis. Your W is not who you thought she was, nor who you want her to be. Your actions and interactions with her can heavily influence the outcome of this crisis.

How do I get her emotionally engaged again and change her mindset? Do I just wait it out?

No, you don't just wait it out. I address your question in my WW threads.

By not telling her and showing her that I love her, wouldn't that just be confirming what she is saying? She already has said I don't want/love/care. After I have been telling her and trying to show her I love her at least twice a day every day for all of these years (I have NEVER missed a day), it would seem that she would just use that action to say "See? I told you so!"

This is a common concern newcomer LBH's have. Let me try to give a short explanation. The complaints she may have given you, probably come from her unfulfilled emotional needs in the past. But currently, another man is filling those emotional needs. You are not to compete with another man for your own W. Men often get into that "winning the girl" competitive thinking.....and it's not how you need to handle the sitch with your W. I understand how you want to fix the problem and start jumping through rings of fire to get her to change her mind. But it won't happen the way you are currently operating. The more you try to romance her, buy flowers, do more housework, make brownie points with her......the less interested she will be in you. She may use the old complaints as her current reasons......but that's b/c she can't tell you the truth. She is wayward and has allowed another man into the M.

If you are recommending "going dark," which is what it appears she has done to me, it seems that it would just feed in to her notions that I have stopped caring.

No, actually I don't encourage anyone to go dark as long as they are living under the same roof. That's just me, but going dark is like falling off the planet. Kind of difficult when you share children.
However, I do encourage you to follow the 37 rules. If you have questions about any of them, please ask.

You must get past your fear that she may think you don't care. You must get past your fear that she may leave the M. Maybe I should say, do it in spite of the fear. IMHO, the number one problem I see with newcomer LBH's is their fear of losing the W. That fear will paralyze you if you don't get a handle on it quickly. And besides, she isn't too worried if you still care about her. In fact, she is not worried she could lose you due to her affair. Would it be a deal breaker for you if she doesn't end the affair?

I've read it, and I'm trying to wrap my head around it. It is completely foreign and makes very little sense to me, but I will trust you on that and try to understand it as hard as it is.

Well, I'm not the best writer for sure, but I'm sorry it made no sense. Are you referring to my description of a wayward wife, or how a H should respond to his WW? Please ask questions about anything that doesn't make sense. There are several threads, and the last page gives the link to the next thread.

It's difficult, for me, to cover everything in just a handful of posts. So, I'm not trying to ignore or skip over your questions. It just takes time. That's one reason I decided to write those threads.

BTW, don't repeat to your W what you read on the board. Unless you are told to say specific words to her, please don't try repeating something that you think is profound......b/c it won't have that affect on her. It won't make any sense to her. That's when WW's start saying the H is fake and isn't talking naturally.