I dip in and out of here at the moment, I have had so much on my mind, once again standing at a crossroads turning in circles, I needed to make a committed decision as to what I want to do; stay put in my comfort safety place or leave on a new adventure.
After having a couple of emotional meltdowns I have finally decided to move, start a new adventure and hopefully discover better times and happiness along the way. I have had a quote from a relocation company and whilst it is expensive it comes in around the same cost as I can do it on my own but it removes the hassle factor for me. I will be leaving at Easter and road trip as planned for a couple of months before baseing myself at s23 house (they have a sleepout so I will be self contained) so I can find work and a home.
So the first hurdle has been jumped, next one will be telling my boss I have decided to leave and not take the new role, this hurdle I am not looking forward to jumping!
S23 and his g/friend are back from their holiday, whilst they were away they sold their house which is a great relief to them both, they complete on both houses 5th February, so I wont confirm my relocation booking until then.
S21 visited me for Christmas, it was lovely to have him home for a few days, it made me see how much I have missed the noise and chaos that he brings lol. He and g/friend moved in to their own flat yesterday which they are very excited about.
Both s21 and g/f spoke about h while they were visiting. The said he is really quiet these days and lives like a pauper as he is paying off all his debts as quick as he can. G/f told me he is much more tolerant of s21 these days and quickly apologizes and tries to smooth things over when there is an argument. She said as far as she is aware, there is no evidence of someone else in his life, or that there has been since he left after BD2. Both of them asked about h contacting me, s21 said he gets the impression h is very confused when it comes to me, which is probably why he contacted last year.
I had not heard from h since beginning of Dec, I was a little surprised I did not get any well wishes over the festive season, but thinking about it he probably didn't feel it appropriate to wish me a "happy" anything haha. Yesterday was s21 21st Birthday, I received an email from h early am, it was a really sweet email, which makes this situation so much the sadder.
He started off by joking that we have made it, our youngest now being 21. He wrote a really amusing bit which made me smile and then he wrote:
"Seriously,as I doubt he will say thank you for actually doing the hard work.Being a single mum for the first part of his life and not once killing him should have been nationally recognized as a feat of supreme tolerance."
S21 was the most challenging baby, he stopped sleeping during the day at 6 weeks old, screamed all the time (this ended up to be due to a reflux problem so was struggling with stomach acid build up, poor baby), projectile vomiting and did not sleep at night, when I say did not sleep I mean 20 mins cat nap, 20 mins screaming until he was about 2 and then he would be up all night wanting to play, his first complete night through was at 5 1/2 yrs, the Drs even tried to drug him with pre meds and that didnt work ! And where was H ...he was on deployment all the time, rarely at home, and despite me begging him to leave the forces and get a normal job so he could help me, he wouldn't, I think he liked being away from our crazy nightmare situation.
This is the first time he has acknowledged that I was a Single Mum and I raised an active toddler and a nightmare baby all on my own, no support from him or family. Reading his statement was quite emotional for me, I am actually lost for words over reading it.
He then talked about s21 moving out and that he will do his best to keep an eye on him and not let him get in to the mess he did last time (for those of you new to my story, h treated both s absolutely terribly when he was with ow and her kids, I was in the UK and ended up having to fly back to NZ to sort them out, s21 was living in a dive and struggling with chest pains and malnutrition. S23 was living in a cabin on h's driveway as he was not welcome in the house) He said he will keep me updated and if I have any concerns then to contact him and he will do his best to get it sorted.
He finished the email with more of his amusing wit.
I replied, said a few things that i know will appeal to his wit, then thanked him for recognizing that I was doing it alone in the early years, but added that I thank him for his support and putting up with my zombie self during those years. I spoke about my concerns regarding s21 living on his own and what to keep a look out for. I then thought I would see what the response will be if I push this a little, so I said that I have been thinking about it and I feel it would be a good idea if he has my phone number in case something should happen to one of the boys and we need to communicate quickly (one step further along the supporting each other as parents route) I gave him my number, so we shall see if he gives me his phone number in return.
Still feel ok about having him around, contact is sporadic and it seems he needs an excuse to email me, he sticks to conversation about the boys, which is what we agreed on. I continue moving onwards in whatever direction I fancy at the time lol, often i hit a "life hates me" wall and it knocks me back down, but I know only I can make myself get up and keep going.
Thank you so much for all your support and love, I honestly would not have made it this far without you all xoxo