Hi Joe, the only answer I can think of to becoming the lighthouse might going to church or to whatever worship place appeals to you and try to practice the characteristics of that faith with the support of a pastor or priest or whoever is the leader. Pray for you wife, pray together with your kids, let your wife see you becoming more humble, forgiving, and reflective about life. For yourself doing that might help to bring some peace to your heart.
I also relate to the abuse part. That was not my husband before. My 'real' husband was so kind and would take blame for everything just to make me feel good. The new version of my husband is angry and abusive and negligent. If only there were a recipe to bring them back before it's too late. I wish your wife could see herself as a third person. I bet she'd be appalled.
