My H does the thing with the house. Sometimes it seems like this is a place he can't bear to leave. Other times he avoids it like the plague. He stayed here two times with S over the last year. He communicated with me, was polite, had fun with S. As soon as he left I saw him on a dating site all hours for days (despite that he has had an OW the whole time). I think being here is just too painful and he has to push it away. We have a three level house with the public space on the third floor. It is somewhat amusing to see, will he park in the driveway (now the answer is no), will he come in, go to the first floor, etc.
None of this is about you. Listen to Sotto (and of course Job, but you know that she is our Yoda). She knows how this stuff works. She is my model for moving on.
Thanks OwnIt - I've decided after reading both your and Job's post on the 'house' that I am going to consider it irrelevant. Just like his OW is irrelevant.
Speaking of the OW.... I've read and accepted that it does not help one bit to pressure or guilt them about having an affair. To do so just makes them move closer to the OP.
I do a great job of this, I believe. I don't bring her up, ask any questions, or give any time to this aspect of his MLC. On the other hand, some of his family is giving him a lot of grief over what he's done and who he's doing it with. They are guilting him so much about his decision to leave for this OW, not attempting to work it out with me, refusing to invite her into their home, etc.
The OW's family is the opposite - welcoming him with open arms. H feels his family is unfairly withholding this same welcome for his OW. He tells them he was unhappy for years and should have left years ago and then he meets OW - what was he supposed to do??
Pure MLC stuff, I know. My question is this: I know to avoid any mention of OW and just let it be as irrelevant as it is, but what about his family that is so against what he is doing? Are their actions toward him about OW just as damaging as if I were doing it?
Should I ask them to back off? Or leave it alone and let that play out naturally as well?
I must admit it worries me because I do think he tends to cling more to her because of it. On the other hand, I understand them not wanting to 'welcome her with open arms' like her family is doing to him. Difference is, she is single and her family has no clue that they busting up a marriage to be together. They just think H is a divorced and totally available man. H's family knows the dirty truth and they don't like it.
You are right, if you mention the OW it just brings them together. I really could care less about the one my H is with now. I suppose at some level I'm happier with the idea that he is with one person rather than a string of even more undesirables. I do worry about his standing in his community, and his job prospects, even if he does not because that directly impacts me and the kids.
You have zero control over his family or friends and you should not attempt to influence them in any way. Let everyone see someone who has accepted his choice and is moving on to her own life. Mirror his behaviors to you and work on you. Same recipe for everything. When in doubt, do nothing. No quick or angry responses to anything. Those are the things I most regret.
I just finished reading a fascinating thread by "Wonka" called "A Voyage Into The MLCer Mind". Second last post on 02/09/14 by Job telling Wonka to start a new thread.
I hope he did start another thread but I am useless at finding these old threads.
Wonka is a "she". If the 2/14 thread is the last one that you've found, then that is probably her last thread. I don't recall her starting a new one after that...but I see so many people posting, however, if she had a new one, I probably would have linked her new/old threads together. She stops by from time to time to post not only to the posters on the MLC Forum, but also the Newcomers' and the Divorce Forums.
You can double check me on her threads by clicking on her name or changing your settings at the bottom on the left hand side to all years and then doing a search on her name...but I haven't seen Wonka around for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been wondering something and I'm sure I will find some opinions, thoughts, etc from this wonderful group of people.
It's the wedding rings. Wear them or don't wear them? Simple enough question. I haven't been wearing mine since BD actually but recently read something that makes me wonder if this is the right thing.
A wedding ring is a symbol that says 'unavailable' without saying a word. Handy if you're a Stander.
Another article suggests that even though the MLCer or WAS is saying 'no way, not coming back, get a divorce, etc etc' that they were secretly (unconsciously?) pleased their spouse kept wearing the ring.
As a Stander, it's making me think. So far, I'm torn. It's been 6 months not wearing the ring and now if I put it on, what does that say to my H? It could go either way I'm thinking - good or bad depending on where he is in the crisis. Mine - still very deep in Replay.
I would think a ring in this situation (especially being off for 6 months) is very anti-DB. What better advert could you give for, hey hon, go play as much and as long as you want because your little wifey is waiting right here where you left her.
At the end of the day, as in all things, do what feels organic to you and don't force it one way or the other.
The word "stander" is used on another forum and it's one that I've seen being used quite often on here. It's okay to use it because many of us know what it means.
As for the rings, no one knows what is going through the minds of the MLCers. We can mind read and assume what the ring symbolizes to them all day long, but at the end of the day, the only person who needs to know what it symbolizes is the person who is wearing them. Wearing the wedding ring or not is a personal choice.
If you aren't sure what to do, then do nothing at this time. I would suggest that you get another nice ring and place it on that finger if you feel the need to wear something on that hand. You can also put your wedding rings on a chain and wear them around your neck or place them on the other hand.
The decision to wear the rings or not is yours...what counts is that you are "standing" for your marriage, rings or no rings, and you don't need to advertise your stance to anyone. This is your personal choice.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for your input OwnIt and Job. Yes, the term Stander is from another forum. Is it called Divorce Busting here?
OwnIt: In my situation, the ring came off once H told me he was done and moving on with his new life (at BD). He considered himself emotionally divorced immediately, and since the legal divorce is undesirable atm for financial reasons, this was all he needed to consider himself out of the marriage.
Since he was so adamant the marriage was over and telling everyone as well, I didn't want to keep wearing the ring. It just felt odd to do so under the circumstances and had nothing to do with my position. I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why I continued wearing it either.
Also, the general advice is to 'let them go, give them space, NO pressure, gal as if they are never coming back. How does wearing the ring come into that? That could say to H that I'm NOT letting you go, laying a guilt trip on you, not giving you space, and not gal but staying right where I am. Isn't that a form of pressure? I could see my H running further into the hills in those early days and maybe disappearing altogether. As it is now, he is in touch every few days and possibly worried already that he might lose me. Maybe not, but it's always H who initiates the contact every few days.
Job - I like your suggestion - wear another ring on that finger and wear the wedding ring on the right hand. I have the perfect ring to wear as well. I know I personally would not be that comfortable wearing the wedding ring as I did when we were together. I do want to wear something though.
Still curious though how others handled the ring situation and how it affected anything (or not).
There are a number of us, me include that posts/reads other internet forums. The person that used the phrase "Stander" use to be on this forum and we still have some of the advice that the poster provided before she went off to create her own forum. There is nothing wrong in using that term here. We just can't mention the name of the other internet forum or links that are very similar to the Divorce Busting site, which you are posting to.
I, personally, think that wearing the rings sends a message out to people 1) you are standing and upholding your marriage vows until the fat lady sings. Wearing the rings, if seen by the MLCer could create some anger in them that you are still holding out hope that they will come back. Pressure? Yes, it can probably be seen that way to the MLCer when they are so darn adamant that the relationship is over.
If you see that something is working..stick to what is working. If not wearing the rings on the left hand tends to make things a bit less pressured for your MLCer, then don't wear them...as I pointed out, you can either wear them on the right hand, on a chain or set them aside for when your children are old enough and may want to have them for their future spouses, etc.
I took mine off w/the first bomb drop and have never put them back on. I had the diamond removed from the engagement ring and had a new piece of jewelry made with the diamond in it.
Think about what you want to do...I think you might like wearing a different ring on the left finger and you'll know that it's a space holder as you are a stander and no one else needs to know what is in the back of your mind.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
