Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[sandi2]

She has a dominating personality and is not afraid of confrontation, but is very outgoing and people immediately like her. I am a more laid back, go with the flow type of person, but can be very assertive when necessary.

I dare say that this is the foundation of a lot more issues in your relationship, than you may realize. A W who has a dominating personality who is M to an easy going H, can began to challenge him more & more. She wants to see him stand up to her, so she pushes and tests him. Women want a man who is stronger than she is, and your easy going manner can be mistaken for weakness.

We are both Christian, but her ties to Faith run much deeper than mine, so something like this is completely out of character for her and goes against what she believes in. She told me before we ever got married that it is “death before divorce.” She has maintained that motto since.

I hope you will read my threads on the wayward W's mindset.

When I got home from work on Saturday, she was in the kitchen working on some things she likes to do. I greet her and got a very cold response. I ask what’s wrong, she says “nothing.” From that point she stops talking to me.
The next day, still not talking to me, I again ask what’s wrong. “Nothing” again. This continues for a few days, so I stop asking her what is wrong. One thing I have learned about her is that if she is mad and you keep asking why, she will get even angrier and withdraw.

So, this is an example of the typical interaction when your W won't talk. You assume she is mad, and instead of trying to talk to her about her feelings....you leave her alone until she gets over it. Do you also assume she is mad at you, although you don't have a clue as to why? If I am correct about this, put this tip under your hat for now. In the future when she displays this behavior, don't ask her, "What's wrong". Instead, let her know that you can tell something is bothering her. "You seem troubled about something, I am here to listen, if you feel like talking about it". Then, if she does talk, don't make the mistake a lot of men make, and tell her how to fix her problem. Just listen. Like I said, remember this in the future. Right now, you may need to take actions that seem very foreign to you. I'll get into that in a minute.

Ten days after this started, she sends me a text out of the blue that says that she “doesn’t want to be hurt or mad any more. I’m just tired,” then follows it up with a few texts about one of our daughters. I reply that I don’t know what she means by that. She stopped talking to me and I don’t know what I did. She replies “Yeah, I know you don’t.” She then questions whether I mean it when I tell her I love her in the morning and at night, or if it is just part of my routine (I tell her a minimum twice a day that I love her and there is a reason for that). I assure her that I love her and that I mean it. That’s where the conversation stops. When I get home, I could not get any follow up from her.

You didn't realize it, but she is just looking for an excuse.....but the real issue is that she has another man in her head, so she needs to find justification for being unhappy, hurt, or whatever. And, she needs to blame you. This was sort of like giving you notice that she is emotionally done with the MR.

It was at this point she stopped doing anything for me.

It's her way of emotionally divorcing you. She's going out with others, she's given you notice, stopped talking with you, and now she has stopped doing her usual wifely duties.

We talk back and forth a little bit, and in a nutshell, she says that she “can’t do this anymore,” she has been lying to herself, she doesn’t feel loved or wanted, I don’t compliment her, it has been going on for years and years, we’ve talked about it but it never changes, she keeps it inside because she knows it will never change, we were just kids when we met and we grew apart, the house is killing her but I would never give it up and that she knew it was over when I stopped caring why she was mad.

Her justification ^^^^^^. She is cheating on you, so in her mindset, she has to find a reason that justifies her getting another man, instead of staying loyal to the one she M.

All of this plus more has occurred since the “it’s over” statement. It is almost like she still sees “us” in the future at times. Needless to say I’m confused.

You see mixed signals b/c you are trying to logically see a person who would act a certain way if they wanted a D. Her mindset is not logical. Her actions are not logical. She'll say things that are not logical. Don't forget this, or you'll go crazy trying to figure her out.

What I have done to combat this:
Since I started getting suspicious shortly before Christmas, I have been playing “Happy Husband.” I have been maintaining a positive attitude (at least around her), smiling and joking. I say nothing negative at all. I have been going out of my way to make her feel appreciated and loved. Hugs, kisses, nibbles on the neck (which is still making her giggle), and a lot of “I love yous.”
I have been offering to do things for her, like go to the store when I am out, do some of her “chores” around the house, get her food or drink from the kitchen and make myself generally more available to her.
I contact her once or twice a day just to let her know I am thinking of her. I bought her flowers “just because.”

To a M man, this is the logical action to take to win back the love of his W. Unfortunately, after a woman has closed her heart for her H and opened it for another man......this above actions only push her farther away from her H. You see, you have been trying to prove how much you love her, thinking it would fix the problem. At the moment, she really doesn't care how you love her. She has emotionally divorced you. Her head is filled with OM, and he is the one who makes her feel alive.

Sorry, I know those words must hurt, but I want to talk straight to you. I was very much like your W. My H was not meeting my intimate emotional needs that only a H can do for his W. Years of resentment had turned into disrespect for him. I felt dead on the inside. I did not go looking for an affair. However, under the right circumstances and having a rebellious heart toward my H....it happened. It never became physical skin on skin, but you might say we participated in the act via modern apps. Most men worry more about their W taking it to a PA. What they don't realize is that for women, an EA is just as strong. B/c with an EA, it's all about her emotions being fed by this other guy. He can live long distance, but as long as he's telling her what she wants to hear....her brain is being flooded with the same chemicals of falling in love.

So, buckle up for the ride of your life. It's not too late to turn things around and save your M. You'll hear advice that seems harsh and totally opposite of what your feelings tell you to do. I hope you will read my thread on Help for the Newcomer H with a WW.

BTW, that was over ten years ago when I joined the board as a WW. My H and I are still together. The reason I continue to stick around the board are people like you. I hope to pass along what I've learned. As long as you'll listen, I have a lot to say.

Post often and read the homework Cadet gave you.