Hey LH19 - I think you've addressed a fundamental question, one I've been struggling with.
I guess its which school of thought you adopt - all cheaters are intrinsically bad people who are doomed to repeat patterns of behaviour indefinitely, or they are hurting people looking for comfort, albeit looking for solutions in all the wrong areas. I.e. is he a bad person doing a bad thing, or a good person doing a bad thing.
I can't quite decide. I was not very emotionally sensitive in our marriage and I didn't see his cues that he wasn't happy, they were too gentle and vague for someone as obtuse as me. I come from a family where people are very blunt and straight to the point, even painfully so. So sometimes I will remember something and with my newfound insight, I think "OMG - he was trying to tell me...etc". On the other hand, I remember the months we spent in therapy where he lied and lied, not just to me but to the therapists - and I think "OMG this is a lucky escape."
He is a weak and damaged person - he knows that too.
When he first cheated I spoke to a church elder. I was full of anger and pain and I was looking for someone to confirm that divorce was the right thing to do. I complained, "WH is so WEAK." The church elder looked at me and said gently, "Is that his fault?" That kind of threw me, and continues to throw me. If my WH has made these choices because he is damaged and weak, do I not have a duty as someone who pledged themselves as a life partner to help him? I struggle with this question everyday, and until I can answer it definitively, I am going to be open to reconciliation.
Any sympathy I might have for him is not going to stop me from ensuring my financial position is as strong as I can get it to be.
and finally, I have been thinking of changing my screen name to something less negative. I was just worried the few people here who know me might not 'recognise' me. But you've inspired me. I'm going to change it to 'Anchor'. I don't want to be buffeted along like a balloon in the wind of life's storms anymore. Time to get steady.
