Shouting out to PsySara and Caz as well - hope you ladies both had awesome New Years.
PysSara - I managed to have a good new year after two days of crying once DS left for the week. It wasn't quite the kicking up my heels as you painted, but I enjoyed myself.
Caz - my poxy cheap Christmas card doesnt compare to your gift voucher - wow - I hope you've put it to good use.
Have been away from the board will try to catch up on both your sitches later.
The divorce is 90% done. WH and I just need to come to a financial settlement agreement. He's made a rubbish offer, I have counter offered, he has come back saying he's sorry I think his first offer is rubbish, here it is again with two clauses removed, i.e. still rubbish with less sh!t icing. He's not even referenced my offer at all, even though it gives him everything he says he wants with the bonus of giving me what I want (DS and I get to stay in the family home).
We've agreed to have a conversation on Monday after he drops our son off about this. I am extremely nervous about this because we haven't had a conversation lasting more than 2 minutes for months, and we've only talked about the logistical requirements for DS. Every time we've had to talk about the divorce, I've become very emotional and it has previously descended into me forcing a R talk or getting angry and asking him if all this is worth it.
I know he practices with OW for his interactions with me. She writes most if not all of his emails to me. He denies this but it's a stupid because I know his style of writing. He can't spell, paragraph or punctuate, and then suddenly I'm getting these long, grammatically perfect emails from him about our divorce.
I have no one to practice with. I intend to spend the weekend reading and re-reading the cheatsheet to validation. Any pointers would be appreciated.
I just don't want to let myself down anymore. And I want to give myself the best chance of reconciliation. I am not sure I want this anymore, but I would like the opportunity to decide. I've been a bit down because I realised that two of the success stories from the list of restored marriages set up by Cinderellaman from ages ago relapsed. It was painful to see what happened to Yellowrose and Tipper.
In my opinion, it would probably be worth the extra expense of going through a third party, like a mediator, to help sort things out. I think that's probably a good path to an equitable agreement.
Being myself a former WH I can tell you are doing a lot of mind reading that you do not need to. When you get surrounded by the A fog you discover a new world of joyness and limerence that makes you feel alive again...it doesn´t last. Feelings inside me kept on warning me of that. My W being the lighthouse for my S and me did the rest.
So there is no need to compare to OW. And no need to analyse your WH behavior towards OW. Maybe the greener grass is still being watered there but time takes its toll. Be patient. Just be the lighthouse, keep GAL and enjoy your kid.
Hey doodler and neffer, thanks so much for checking in.
WH and I did mediation at the start. It didn't really work for us. I would state my case, WH would look upset and agree to whatever I said or keep quiet, the mediator would write it all up, and then he would want to change things later down the line between us and not involve the mediator for cost reasons. For the last few months it's been our lawyers talking. There hasn't been much they've discussed because everything has ticked along - WH pays what the law says he should and he gets DS for the time the law says he should.
Neffer - your insight as a former WH is invaluable and powerful. Thank you.
Hey LH19 - I think you've addressed a fundamental question, one I've been struggling with.
I guess its which school of thought you adopt - all cheaters are intrinsically bad people who are doomed to repeat patterns of behaviour indefinitely, or they are hurting people looking for comfort, albeit looking for solutions in all the wrong areas. I.e. is he a bad person doing a bad thing, or a good person doing a bad thing.
I can't quite decide. I was not very emotionally sensitive in our marriage and I didn't see his cues that he wasn't happy, they were too gentle and vague for someone as obtuse as me. I come from a family where people are very blunt and straight to the point, even painfully so. So sometimes I will remember something and with my newfound insight, I think "OMG - he was trying to tell me...etc". On the other hand, I remember the months we spent in therapy where he lied and lied, not just to me but to the therapists - and I think "OMG this is a lucky escape."
He is a weak and damaged person - he knows that too.
When he first cheated I spoke to a church elder. I was full of anger and pain and I was looking for someone to confirm that divorce was the right thing to do. I complained, "WH is so WEAK." The church elder looked at me and said gently, "Is that his fault?" That kind of threw me, and continues to throw me. If my WH has made these choices because he is damaged and weak, do I not have a duty as someone who pledged themselves as a life partner to help him? I struggle with this question everyday, and until I can answer it definitively, I am going to be open to reconciliation.
Any sympathy I might have for him is not going to stop me from ensuring my financial position is as strong as I can get it to be.
and finally, I have been thinking of changing my screen name to something less negative. I was just worried the few people here who know me might not 'recognise' me. But you've inspired me. I'm going to change it to 'Anchor'. I don't want to be buffeted along like a balloon in the wind of life's storms anymore. Time to get steady.
