The evidence I have that she is cheating: I don’t have any “smoking gun” evidence, but I do have quite a bit of circumstantial.
She has had a major change in behavior and emotional detachment. She is texting and using Facebook at all hours of the day and night. Literally. I have often gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink and she is texting. I have even seen her texting when I get up in the morning to go to work. I have seen the name on the screen several times, and it is always the OM. During these texts she will sometimes get one of those “flattered” smiles on her face like someone said something to make her happy. I have seen some texts between her and the OM. There is a lot of suggestion and innuendo, but nothing that directly says “we are having sex.” Putting it all together indicates that they are though. A lot the texts are about personal things in their life and she mentions “their beer.” The OM at one point says he feels like he is responsible for this. There is also a text between her and her friend that is having marital issues that refers to the OM by his initial and tells my wife to “be careful.” In my mind this is at least an emotional affair, but I am 99% sure it is sexual too.
R,
I want to first start off by saying that I am really sorry you are here but it is the best place for you at this time. You sound like a really great family guys who has spent his life to providing for his family. I am seriously building your own house is awesome! While doing that you may have neglected your W who has now run into the arms of another man/predator. Unfortunately now a days with FB and cellphones it makes having an A a lot easier. I am sorry to break the news but your W is having at least an emotional affair (EA) but most likely at physical affair (PA). There are some who say don't out the A like Natural advised you and some who say out the A like I do. It will get worse when you out the A but it has to get worse for awhile before it gets better. Having said that do not out the affair if you are going to turn a blind eye to it. Meaning if you are going to out the A be prepared to set some boundaries. You can read about boundaries on Cadet's homework link. You can't control her and make her stop the A but you can control what you are accept. In other words are you willing to share her with another man and be in an open marriage. There are cases on here where a blind eye approach is taken and the affair just continues and the agony of the situation makes the faithful spouse look weak and [censored] the life out of him.
What I have done to combat this: Since I started getting suspicious shortly before Christmas, I have been playing “Happy Husband.” I have been maintaining a positive attitude (at least around her), smiling and joking. I say nothing negative at all. I have been going out of my way to make her feel appreciated and loved. Hugs, kisses, nibbles on the neck (which is still making her giggle), and a lot of “I love yous.” I have been offering to do things for her, like go to the store when I am out, do some of her “chores” around the house, get her food or drink from the kitchen and make myself generally more available to her. I contact her once or twice a day just to let her know I am thinking of her. I bought her flowers “just because.”
Ok. This all has to stop immediately. Especially if she knows you know she is having an A this will make you look pathetic in her eyes. I know that is harsh but at this point and time you can not nice her back. I know it seems like the logical thing to do but it will actually make things worse right now.
What can you do? The opposite of what you think you should do. Give her space giver her all the space in the world. Stop pursuit immediately. Start to make a great life for you and your kids. Exercise, connect with old friends, spend time with family, read self help books, finish the house your building and definitely consider individual counseling.
You will most likely get a chance at recon but that is going to be along way down the road. You most likely can't make things better right now but you can certainly make them worse. This is probably going to be the hardest thing you will ever go through but if you do the hard work you will get through and be happy again with or w/o your W.
Print out Sandi's rules from the home work page and start implementing them immediately. We are here to help!
