At this point, OM is thrown in my face often, but not in the "this is who I'm sleeping with" sense (which I could not care less about) but always connected to D.
The funny thing is I accept that they need to have a relationship, but how she's doing it is damn messed up.
I bet she also has noticed that you don't care who she is with now so she keeps targeting the part that she knows will affect you. It is really messed up and I really wonder how the OM wants to be any part of this... Albeit, I've learned that I shouldn't reflect my own morals to others - but I just see no good coming from this.
As for the "poor me" attitude, I can totally understand it. Just remember, she's really messed up. My therapist said that people who act this way, mock others etc. are just really insecure and unhappy in their own lives so they try to find the quick fix/drag others down too. So, try to forget about this and walk your own path day by day without any rush. No matter how hard it is that she pushes OM so much for D already, take your own time. Your D definitely needs stability for her life right now and you are definitely showing it.
The day will come when everything is calm and fine again. bro hug
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
So, working on the "poor me" bits. I haven't whined to any of my friends about the text from Sunday. As pitiful as this sounds, I'm rather proud of that.
That said, I'm pretty pissed off again today. This morning, getting D out the door for school, she was angry about not being allowed to take a toy, and she said, "You're not my REAL daddy!" My "sweetie, who told you that?" again yielded the name of a kid from school (yet again, a different name than before).
I broke one of my rules and intruded on her morning phone call with her mother, and had her tell her mother what she said. Her mother sounded (surprisingly) fairly supportive, telling D that I was her father, and what she said was mean and hurtful, though I heard her say under her breath to OM "oh, god." I won't impute any thoughts behind that.
I still haven't had "the conversation" with D. I want emotional backup when I do, and I didn't want to do it when my mother was visiting as Christmas. I'm back to having no one to support me having this conversation.
Operation "No More Poor Me" continues, and I feel better about the lack of whining. And yesterday, I found out something that made me feel fantastic.
D's 1st semester report card was pretty bad. A lot of 1s. A bunch of "needs improvement" marks. I was really confused as to what happened--her midterm report had come back all checks, she didn't get notes home from school that there were problems, and she did ok with homework every night.
So we went to work. I got after school involved and asked if they could work with her. Asked her teacher to send home any extra assignments D could use.
Her 2nd semester report card came home yesterday. Only a single 1. All of the "needs improvement" marks gone. Comment from the teacher to keep it up, and she was making progress.
Take your time but I think you must have that conversation with your D. There is people around doing insane gossip. The love bonding that you have with your D is forever. Take that into account.
I was a WH. I´m not proud of it. Not at all. I lived my life looking for acceptance. I didn´t knew this at that time. After I did what I did and came back I did some introspective work on myself, with professional help... I´m not strong now to tell my story now but I discovered that my father was not my real father and all my family plotted together to get those facts hidden from me. I´m not judging them and I assume it was their way to protect me for being abandoned. Even my mother denied those facts when I asked for the truth. Well let me tell you that inside me I KNEW that my father was not my real father. Don´t know why but I knew it since I was a little child. I havent met my real dad and I´m struggling with those items now...The father who did raise me died 25 years ago, when I was 23. I consider he was my real father but he had a difficult character. We did not had that son-father bonding that I have now with my own S. I always wonder what was wrong in our relation...If I knew he was not my father things would have been some different. I know I loved him in my way and he loved me his way.
Talk D with the truth. Get free of that gossip. Her love to you is not going to change.
Thanks, again, all. Neffer, thanks for the insight. I talked to my C today and we made a plan for telling D. Since I don't really HAVE any emotional backup, D is going to come to one of my sessions next month, right before my weekend, and we're all going to have a conversation about it. This gives us time to talk about it, and get back to "normal" the next week. I think it's a good plan, we'll see how it goes.
V: absolutely, I took off work on Monday and I'm going to take D out for the day since school is closed.
Just need to journal this. Went to the movies tonight with GF, so I called D early rather than waiting for D to call me. XW actually took the phone from D and hung up on me at once point because OM called. D called back a couple of minutes later. More of XW talking for D. I'm trying to just ignore it. If XW talks for D, I just ignore her and tell D whatever it was that I had just said/asked.
D sounds a little upset at one point, I ask if she's ok. XW starts going on about something D's cousin did. I repeat, asking D if she's ok and she says "no." XW gets irate and tells her mother, who apparently is there, "Can you believe this, he asked her if she's ok and she said no, this is BS." Since things are obviously getting bad, I tell D that I'm going to go, have sweet dreams, and a good night.
A few minutes later, XW sends a text: "She is fine, EastTN! Stop acting like I am not her mother!"
I think I've reached the point of acceptance of "this is what it is, it's not going to change, and there's nothing I can do about it, so just stop worrying about it."
Your WW does not have the right to tell her child how she is.
In your R with your lovely D, it is probably wise to keep it light when she is in the presence of her mom. Breezy and easy.
And be the amazing dad you are, with your bat ears listening and validating her right to her own feelings. Be aware that kids will be more open but also more emotional with the parent would listens and validates because they feel safe.
Have an amazing dad and d day on Monday.
Awesome
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
East, I know I harp on this, but I harp on this for a reason. Why the heck is your daughter having a daily phone calls to her mom before school?! The morning routine is stressful enough for a kid, but to fit in an obligatory phone call so your ex gets what she wants is by far too much pressure on a 6 month old. Obligatory and timed phone calls multiple times a day put stress on a kid. They are just trying to manage school and friends and be a kid. Do you have obligatory times calls with her too? They are obviously as stressful thing for all involved. Who are these calls for? You or your D? If you are away one or two nights, there is no need to have them. Trust me, she won't forget you. She will still know you love her.
Your child can feel the stress in these calls. How about when SHE says "hey, can I call Mommy?" then you call her. If she says at her mom's, "hey, can I call Daddy?" then she calls you. They don't need to be full on question and answer sessions on facetime. Maybe both of you can just shoot a call that doesn't even involve questions about her day, ect. Just a hi, I love, you and goodbye. Don't lead the convo. Let the child lead the convo.
I know all of this from raising my daughter in such a situation since before she could talk. I've been through every stage up until 10 (where we are now) and her own phone is a beautiful thing! Taking to psychologist, I had them help me guide me on what is best for her . Not me, or her dad, but HER. And they all agreed at 6, their interest to talk on the phone is limited to less than a minute. They all agreed they should be focusing on time on the parent they are with. Her calls with her parents involve interference and tension and the poor kid doesn't even get to talk. That is extremely stressful for her. So, eliminate the stress. She will see you and talk one on one with you when she gets home.
I do hope you start some therapy for your D. It would be a great outlet for her. Especially when she needs to learn how to deal with the new news. Just a 3rd party where there is no bias, and she can speak about her feelings where she isn't afraid of hurting anyones feelings.
As far as support, you have it, even if it's not physically there. I never had my support physically present for my big moments, I've been single for the much greater part of the last 10 years, I am an only child and my mother is dead, but I have a great father. I talk to my friends. They are there for me.
Do you have friends, east? Family? Even if they can't be physically there, you do have support. Lean on it.
