Maybell, thank you for this really thoughtful and carefully constructed response. I took a while to reflect on what you said and I wanted to really digest what you wrote, I recognise the wisdom won through pain in your words.
I have been consciously engaging in points 3 (finding what makes me happy), 4 (GAL), 5 (laughing) and 7 (introspection). Point 2, about being aware of those beautiful moments, I need to work on more. This morning for eg. my son just piped out of nowhere, I love you Mummy, and my heart exploded, but then my mind starts to remember all the bad stuff and that awesome feeling slips away. I need to focus more on the good, like you've said.
Points 1 and 6 I really struggle with. Point 6 - comparing myself to others - I struggle with this because I compare myself to WH and OW. I don't think I am a worse person than WH and OW, but they seem to have a better life even though they did, are doing, a really bad thing. It's like they can lie and cheat and break lives and hearts and swan along with no consequences while I seem to have armloads of consequences. I struggle with that.
And point 1, about his leaving not being related to me - I can't accept that. I would love to believe what you said, about how it's all about his issues, I really really would, but I can't. I can't because he left me FOR HER. He is able to be honest and communicative and trustworthy - FOR HER. I know he used to copy her into all his emails, because he promised her he would be transparent about his communication with me. He helps around the house, he runs chores for her which he wouldn't do for me... It's killing me, that he's the man I want, but for someone else. For me, he refuses to be that man. If he had done the things for me that he did for her, we wouldn't have been in this place. But he didn't because I'm not worthy. Not compared to her.
