Just patiently waiting for my final D paperwork to come through the post...
I did a little ratching about on FB yesterday. STBXMIL has changed her cover photo to just the black rectangular box and has hidden (at least from me, maybe from everyone...who knows?) all her photos except three. They're of an award cup.
Now, this is total speculation, I know...but it feels like there's something going on with her. I think my STBXH was the golden boy in the family, and I think his behaviour has hit her really hard. She's a little religious, but also has/had very deep-rooted beliefs about good, honest and decent behaviour. I would even go so far as to say that they're at the very core of her being. I would guess that she's lagging way behind both of us (myself and STBXH) in the whole grieving process.
I *think* that while STBXH has been living it up, and is currently in NY with OW, she's been sorting out the D paperwork for him.
The forms came from the court that's local to their address, and STBXH's address was given as their house. I know from a comment that someone made in passing that he had moved down south (to England...London I'm guessing) to be with her.
It would make sense. I remember STBXMIL asking me to help me sort of his car insurance a while after he'd left - which, as per usual, he'd left to the very last day to renew. The letters had come to my house and I was at work the day that STBXMIL texted me about it and wanted to drive up from her home town immediately to collect them. I remember that she was a bit annoyed when I said that I wasn't available.
And I remember her asking me to sort out his proxy vote, about six months after he'd left, as he was away on tour at the time. Once again, he'd left it to the very last minute - something like the very day that the application would have had to have been submitted. It would have involved me filling out the form, scanning it over to him for him to sign, him scanning that signed version back to me and then me submitting it. I just ignored her email for a bit and then she emailed again shortly after, saying apologetically that she thought it would all be too last minute and too much for me to do.
And I remember letters from the Inland Revenue coming to my house after he'd left from as he obviously hadn't paid his taxes (which makes me think that he hadn't submitted his tax return). Was that maybe as late as in the spring if 2017? He'd always been verging on the negligent on submitting his tax return in the past. It was only because we had the same accountant and I would always do mine on time, that he would also submit his. I remember it was always a pain trying to get him to sort his out, and I feel like it took a lot of emotional energy from me.
It's funny...I know that I contributed to the way he became, but he was always like that to start with.
I remember when we were planning on getting married he said that it would all be sorted in 'three phone calls'. Bearing in mind we had a church wedding, a reception and wedding breakfast at a venue about 30 minutes from the church and an evening reception an hour away, which we bussed everyone back from. How much of that did he help with? You guessed it...
There's a big part of me that enjoys doing practical things and sorting things out. So it was relatively easy for me to do those things that he obviously didn't enjoy doing or seem to have a knack for.
I did **all** the housework as well. I'm not joking when I say that he maybe cleaned the bathroom twice in the 16 or 17 years we were living together. He would do the dishes occasionally and take the rubbish down occasionally as well. But that's it. I did **everything** else, always.
When did it become more of a problem? I'm not sure.
I did usually bring it up, the division of housework thing, that it was a problem for me that I seemed to be doing it all and he was out having a good time and getting drunk. And I told him how it made me feel. But he just seemed to ignore me. There was never a 'what can I do to help' sort of thing from him. He would just carry on as before after I said how I felt.
I'm not sure if he ever appreciated, let alone even noticed, that I was doing all those things for him and for us. I think he sort of took them for granted and expected them to be done. Maybe that was the starting point of the problem. Familiarity breeds contempt sort of thing. Then he became angry at me for doing those things for him, for being 'controlling' and for cramping his style.
I can see how completely selfish his behaviour was now that I have some distance. My mum said something to me in passing a couple of days ago, which has maybe made me think about it all again. She said she was pleased that I am with someone so thoughtful now, who appreciates me. That's all she's said about STBXH and the whole situation.
All of the D stuff is total speculation and none of it, including STBXH not doing adult stuff, is my problem any more.
And it really doesn't really make any difference in the end. We are where we are. And I'm extremely grateful for the knowledge and insight that I have gained.
