I feel for you man. Sorry you are in this mess, but glad you are here. I think it wold be best to not confront your W right now. I think that advice comes from the videos I've watched by MWD. It would probably only make things worse.
If you look around on Youtube and the Internet, you can find discount codes that save some money on LRT. At one point in that program, MWD says "you don't have the leverage." That's the reason not to confront your W. It will make the OM look better. Your W is already confused and feeling guilty. So if you push her, those feelings get worse, and then she's likely to get mad and/or pull away.
I've seen that in myself, where I would get mad at my W for little stupid stuff after I used porn. It makes no logical sense that it happens, but guilt plays tricks on emotions, so the offender can't accept him or herself, and the easiest way to deal with that is for the offender to pull away from his or her mate. Emotions and brains do crazy stuff to rationalize things when we cheat, including lying to ourselves.
I think it's important to have patience at times like this. And that's hard, having patience when days seem long and dreary, but if you push hard, things could fall apart faster.
Remember that you don't have leverage because you are like an old reliable pickup truck, and your W just found a convertible. Convertibles are fun when you're in a midlife crisis (MLC), and your W might be in one. But affairs with convertibles often don't last, just like marital affairs. After a while, one starts to notice that convertibles have faults. They aren't warm or fun to drive in the winter. They are noisy. The OM's faults will surface eventually.
The other thing the LRT program said -- become the person who your W was attracted to in the first place. Maybe not 33 years ago, but maybe 10 or 15 years ago. Maybe that will help you. It helped me.
Your sitch might be unique, but you are not alone. That is what I learned here. I come back here every day. It helps keep me sane and grounded.
You could also find old friends to connect with, to GAL. Or hobbies. Or take your daughters out instead of your W. Or play board games with them. Don't brag about it, but show her what a reliable family man you are by bonding with your kids.
Or check out Facebook. Facebook is platonic, and it's easy to find old friends there, although the FB crowd tends to appeal more to women, and manly men don't hang there as much. My W recently posted on FB - 10 thinks that women want but would never tell their man - some were jewels, like "be proud of her; protect her (emotionally and spiritually, protect her when she can't protect herself [I'm still trying to figure that out, but you might want to acknowledge your W for her strong moral character - remind her who she really is inside, but do not point out how she's contracting that])." I think you're already doing the rest of the things... attention, intimacy, be thoughtful, accept imperfections, etc.
Read the validation cheat sheet that Cadet posted above. I need to read that over and over, so I get to the point where, when my W says our marriage has been broken for 10 years, I don't defend, I don't give a blank stare, but I say "That must be really hard for you." That's the man I want to be.
Find ways to love yourself and make yourself happy. Maybe it's fishing, or hiking, or car shows, or gun shows, or church, or yoga. You get the idea. When you're not busting your butt and your W is out, find something that makes you happy instead of waiting for her. Order the Divorce Recovery book and sit and read it.
I'm a newbie here myself. I've been here about two weeks. This is a great community. There are lots of wise old souls here. The rest of the Internet has a lot of websites selling elementary advice for marital problems, stuff that's pretty obvious. This is like graduate school.
Married 15, Together 17 M: 59, W: 57, SS: 28 BD: 12/21/2017 My 1st M; W 2nd M
