How a treehouse can cost you your marriage 2

[AnotherStander]

It has been about 30 days since she moved back home. It has been really nice, after all that has happened I think that it goes without saying that I would be a little nervous. I will say this though, all of her actions have shown commitment to our MR, and most importantly and what I feel is the biggest tell tell, my W seems very happy, I have not seen her this happy in over a year. I decided to put my ring back on and when she noticed her face lit up, she put hers on and has been wearing it since.

Wow!! Well that's fantastic, congrats! Are you two planning on going to MC? The one pitfall of reconciling is often people think "oh great we're back to normal!" and then fall back into old habits. It's important to work through the issues that led to separation and come up with tools to prevent it from happening again.

Also please check into Retrouvaille, it is perfect for couples that are in the early stages of reconciliation.

I have not been able to post as I do not want the W to know about this site yet, (I hope one day she would be open to sharing her thoughts, intentions, views through out this process on this site).

Please do not ever tell her about this site or the books. Your journey has been genuine, but if she finds out about your time here she might believe (as many WAS's do) that all of your actions were scripted as tricks to get her back. And DB'ing isn't something you do until you get your spouse back and then dismiss it, DB'ing is FOREVER. The techniques you've learned here should become a permanent part of who you are. If she starts slipping away again you'll need to implement DB'ing, but now you know the warning signs and what to do, so you should be able to catch it early enough to get back on track before she walks. If she knows about DB'ing then her tendency will be "oh I see, he's doing Sandi's rules on me trying to get me back again, well that's not going to work." Do you see what I'm saying? Take your DB secrets to the grave.

[Holding]

Clyde, I'm so happy for you!

[[[bro hug]]]

As AS says, don't forget to do the hard work, especially MC, now that the MR seems to be back on track.

I hope you can give us the details of how things got to this point for you.

[NicoleR]

Clyde, I didn't get to read all of your journey but your updates sound so amazing, so wonderful. I'd give anything to be in your shoes. That is a great step forward!

[reframe]

Stories like this make this forum so worthwhile, and provide some hope that there's light on the other side of the tunnel.

This was a pleasure to read.

[Clyde]

Thank you all for the well wishes and congrats!

Everything is going great on the homefront, and while the W and I are just beginning or journey of rebuilding our lives together, all signs are very positive.

Prior to seperation we did quite a bit of MC together, the issues that were brought up during those sessions seem to be resolved or on there way to be resolved. The W is going above and beyond to make sure she considerate of the things that drove us to MC in the first place (as am I).

We have yet to go back to MC, nor have we talked about doing so. I have thought about bringing it up (I'm pretty sure she would not have a problem w/ going), however I am battling with my feelings/emotions of how she initiated the separation (false police reports/TRO). I think I should know exactly how I feel about these feelings before going into MC and bringing them up (if at all). As I have said in previous post that I forgave her for these actions and told her such, doing so helped me, helped open the door for a reconcile, but I can't say it healed me even though I wanted to believe that. I posted about 2 months ago, she allowed me to unload my feelings about it on her with out her giving me her excuses. Knowing my W, I would guess that she is under the impression that me unloading my feelings about it, counts as "addressing the issue", and maybe it should... I don't know, it happened and we cannot undue it, there is no doubt she saw the effects it had on our family, I know she is either battling or suppressing feelings of guilt for what she did to me.

So that being said, do I focus on the issues that got us to that point, and not bring it up again? Is bringing it up to her again going to help me find the healing I need? When I told her I forgave her, did I relinquish any right I had to further vocalize my feelings about it to her? For me, this issue would be the main reason for returning to MC as everything we covered in prior MC sessions is being addressed.

In hindsite I can honestly say that all the tears, the heartache, was focused on what was happening to our family, our kids, not waking up next to the woman I love etc... I never spent much time or emotion on her actions toward me (false police reports, TRO, harsh words). I still feel she was experiencing a MLC, does that give her somewhat of pass?

To be clear, these feelings I have are not constantly haunting me, but they are there. I am so relived and over joyed to have our family back together. It is so nice to see my W putting in the work to not only make our MR work, but make it better than before. (Don't misread that last sentence... yes I know I need to put the work in too, I only phrased it that way in reference to when she did not want anything to do w/ the MR much less work on it).

There is a Retrouvaille coming to our area in April, I am going to suggest to her that we attend.

[Subitai]

Can you do IC? Or solo MC, so you can talk about these feelings? You may not need ro reopen the wounds for both of you, and if you do, you will be in a more balanced and open state if mind when you do it.

[Clyde]

I took a short break from IC, these feelings prompted me to start again... had a sesh a few days ago. C's view was if it is haunting me that much that I should bring it up, but it may not be necessary for the MR at this point.

My IC is the same C we went to for MC, he said the W's current actions are very encouraging.

[Maybell]

I do not understand at all how you could let her back after everything she did to you. Would you want your children to return to someone who had them JAILED? Would you permit a friend or family member to treat you that way?

I think your gut is trying to tell you something, and if you ignore it, you will regret it.

[Clyde]

Maybell,

No I would not want my kids to return to someone that did that to them. I really feel as though my W is going thorough something deeper, and that MLC played a big part in it along w/ the most toxic of friends. Does that change what she did or prevent it from happening again... no, of course not.

I really don't know what else to say at this point... I am deeply confused, running on faith, the only thing I am certain of is that I love my W.

[Clyde]

TonightI feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under me, did I make my self too vulnerable? Am I overthinking the sitch?

Where to begin...???

For the most part all has been great, we are spending a lot of time together, she is very affectionate (when not in bed, - I'll elaborate on that in a bit). On the surface everything seems great, but w/ the lack of communication and our history, I can't help but feel insecure.

About a week ago the topic of MC came up, the W firmly said "NO, I do not want to live in the past!" I replied, "I really think we can benefit from it, give it some thought, even if we left the past alone and just went to build our communication skills" I then mentioned Retrouvaille to which she did not shut down nor gave the thumbs up, the convo kinda switched topics at that point.

Finances: W has been doing some grocery shopping, as have I... I'd say we have both spent the same amount on groceries. I paid for 99% of the kids X-mas presents. About a week ago the W says "I'm gonna need $500 for my apartment rent" (apartment is vacant but she could not get out of her lease... this is her last month on the lease). I wish she phrased it differently but did not say anything about the way she asked, I gave her the $500. Today she said "I need $20 for gas, the school runs are expensive" (she is doing no more school runs then when she we were separate). She told me the other day that she has had to borrow money from friends ( I do not know how much or from whom) my initial thought was, "Thats her business, she can take care of it". We were going over finances/bills today, I told her that this was going to be a tight month or two for me, she responded "well I have to pay friends back w/ my next check, so I won't have much money either. During the legal proceedings I also had to borrow money from family and friends for both my lawyer and the lump sum I gave her to move out, buy furniture, rent etc. I have yet to be able to pay these loans back, she is aware of this.

Intimacy: Still has yet to fully recover, is nowhere close to how it was prior to when things started to go wrong. W does not initiate it, does not do the "things" she knows drives me crazy, turns it down often. My W used to approach me for it daily, used to be REALLY REALLY in to it, now it is don't do this, don't do that, so now I question if she is in to it. I have tried to woo her, candles, wine, foot massages etc... to little avail. This has started to affect my performance, to which she does not hesitate to point out. I am certain the performance issues are because I am doubting that she is in to it, and that then gets me thinking about the things she said to me in the past (I think of you as a brother... you don't do it for me, ILYBINILWY, etc). I've taken her comments about performance issues on the chin for the most part, in one convo I hinted to her lack of involvement etc., but did not press the issue much.

Last night I come on to her and get denied, hits me harder than it has been, I can't sleep after that so I read for a few hours, at one point the W ask me "Are you upset?" I lie and say no. Tonight we are getting ready to turn off the lights, looking like its going to be an uneventful night, I asked her

"Do you still think of me as a brother?"
W: OMG, no, is this cause you are not getting laid every day?
Me: No, absolutely not, but intimacy does play a big part in feeling wanted, and since you don't want to talk much about the past, all I can do is look for signs.
W: No, this only has to do w/ sex
Me: No, it does not, the other day when you said "I'm gonna need $500.." I kinda felt like you could of phrased it differently, like "hey babe, this is what I got going on this month, do you think..."
W: Well you did not pay me child support this month, that is supposed to go to my rent, plus I've been spending all my money on groceries and gas.
Me: Look I get that, but I also feel that we should discuss that you are using most of your next check to pay back your friends, I think we should decide where we need to allocate money at this point, as you know I owe several people money right know too, but I am going to pay bills and buy groceries before I even think about paying them back.
W: My friends are going to start talking $h!t on me... I have to pay them, fine you know what, I'm going to take Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun, and get another job then, I'll be gone all day and night.
Me: Maybe we should go back to MC
W: I thought we were just going to give it our all and see where it would take us? You can't afford it right now, besides what would you want to talk about... sex?
Me: Everything, even the past, cause while it may be unpleasant, if that is what needs to take place to secure our M, then it is something that needs to happen.
W: Like I said you can't afford it, why are you doing this, you are going to ruin a good thing, keep it up, what happened to all your faith?
Me: I don't know that we can afford not to go, I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to let things evolve between us, my faith has not wavered, trust me it's what carried through to this point, I stood in the fire and got severely burned all while standing for this marriage. It is hard when you do not want to talk about the past, when I see signs or doubt that you are in to me, all I can do guess.
W: See its all about F'n sex!
Me: No it's not, pleases listen to what I am trying to say, the last time I felt something was wrong you denied it, the next thing I know I am face down in the driveway in cuffs... and as long as we are going there, you should know - I honestly have nightmares about that, and yes I have fears that it might happen again especially since you have yet to acknowledge how wrong that whole sitch was.
W: I'm not doing this know, its late, I had 2 drinks (3hours ago) I'm going to sleep
M: I don't know why it needs to be so confrontational, I want to know what your feelings are, and hope that mine matter to you........ are you ignoring me?
W: I told you I'm going to bed, I don't want to say something I'm going to regret at this point?