Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[rminer]

Hello All,
I have been lurking here for a few weeks reading and trying to learn what I can do to save my marriage. Every situation is different, so I decided to jump in, tell my story and see if I can get some guidance, so here it goes…
I find myself in a situation that I never thought I would be in (something I’m sure everyone else here has said) and I need advice on how to proceed. That situation, of course, is that my wife is cheating on me.
I will keep this as short as possible, but I do want to get all the facts out there.

First, a little background:
My wife and I have been married for 25 years, together 33 – we were high school sweethearts. We have always had a very loving, affectionate relationship. Not to say that everything has been perfectly smooth, but we have always worked out our problems and moved on.
I earn the paycheck, she is a stay-at-home mom (what she always wanted to do) who homeschools our children. She has a dominating personality and is not afraid of confrontation, but is very outgoing and people immediately like her. I am a more laid back, go with the flow type of person, but can be very assertive when necessary.
As I said, I work a lot. I’m either working at my job or on the house we are building on my days off. At my job I am busy from the time I get there to the time I leave, often eating lunch on the run because of time. At home I am either catching up on chores or working on the house, both of which I get no help on. No one’s fault there, I just have no one who can help with the type of work that needs to be done. Because of this, I get almost no down time and am exhausted a lot.
My wife volunteers at a youth organization which my son belongs to, which can take a lot of time and effort. The man she is cheating with is the leader of this organization and they often work closely together. He is divorced with kids. He is a likeable fellow and good with kids.
We are in the process of finishing building a house, which I have done 99% of the work on. It was started many years ago and we were caught in the housing market crash. Because of this, we do not have a “real” mortgage on the house so the house payments are almost double what they should be. Needless to say, money is tight. I have been very focused on finishing it to relieve the financial pressure, but maintaining the house as well as finishing it alone has proven to be a huge challenge. I mention this because I believe it is playing in to what is going on.
We are both Christian, but her ties to Faith run much deeper than mine, so something like this is completely out of character for her and goes against what she believes in. She told me before we ever got married that it is “death before divorce.” She has maintained that motto since.

The story:
As I said, we have always had a very loving, affectionate relationship. So much so, other people would comment on how we were together and they envied us.
At the beginning of November is when things went south. On Thursday, my wife told me she was going to the movies with my daughters. No problem, have fun. Friday she text me reminding me that she was going out with her friends (one of which is having very serious marital issues and the other couldn’t find a decent guy to save her life). I responded “Ok. Will I see you tomorrow?” She said “Don’t we have a date? Just you and me, Babe.” I thought we were on for the next night.
When I got home from work on Saturday, she was in the kitchen working on some things she likes to do. I greet her and got a very cold response. I ask what’s wrong, she says “nothing.” From that point she stops talking to me.
The next day, still not talking to me, I again ask what’s wrong. “Nothing” again. This continues for a few days, so I stop asking her what is wrong. One thing I have learned about her is that if she is mad and you keep asking why, she will get even angrier and withdraw.
Ten days after this started, she sends me a text out of the blue that says that she “doesn’t want to be hurt or mad any more. I’m just tired,” then follows it up with a few texts about one of our daughters. I reply that I don’t know what she means by that. She stopped talking to me and I don’t know what I did. She replies “Yeah, I know you don’t.” She then questions whether I mean it when I tell her I love her in the morning and at night, or if it is just part of my routine (I tell her a minimum twice a day that I love her and there is a reason for that). I assure her that I love her and that I mean it. That’s where the conversation stops. When I get home, I could not get any follow up from her.
It was at this point she stopped doing anything for me. She would always make a lunch for me to take to work, make dinner and at least leave a plate in the microwave for me, and wash my clothes with everyone else’s. She does none of those things now. I’m lucky if she even makes enough dinner for me to have some. Lately she makes just enough for her and the kids. None of these things are her responsibility, I know. She’s not my Mom. I just shows that she is detaching from me.
Over the next couple of weeks, I ask occasionaly what is wrong, and always get some variation of “Nothing,” “I don’t want to talk about it,” or no response at all. After a while I feel like I am wasting my time, so I stop asking. This drags out in to December. I keep going about my normal business, trying to engage her in conversation, but she is having none of it. At this point she has “gone dark,” as I believe people here put it, and will only speak to me when necessary.
I was noticing changes in her behavior and started to get suspicious. Other than “going dark,” she was hiding her phone screen from me, texting at all hours of the day and night, and taking her phone with her from room to room. She had started sleeping on the couch, would leave the house without telling me and certainly would not tell me where she was going – even if she was going with the kids, which was most of the time. She has never been a big drinker, but she has been drinking more.
Three days before Christmas she sends a text to me about something going on at home. During this text I say “You really need to tell me what is going on.” She replies “Not much to tell.” and tells me not to get her anything for Christmas. We talk back and forth a little bit, and in a nutshell, she says that she “can’t do this anymore,” she has been lying to herself, she doesn’t feel loved or wanted, I don’t compliment her, it has been going on for years and years, we’ve talked about it but it never changes, she keeps it inside because she knows it will never change, we were just kids when we met and we grew apart, the house is killing her but I would never give it up and that she knew it was over when I stopped caring why she was mad.
I reply to most of her comments, explaining and telling her I love her, I hug, kiss and tell her I love her so much because I want to make sure she knows because it was completely absent from my family growing up, reminding her how much I told her how great and young she looked when she lost weight, I call her “Beautiful” constantly, she had been telling me for years how wonderful I was and how well I treated her, so how was I supposed to know I wasn’t being the husband she wanted? I basically tell her that I think we can make it and that we need to start communicating more.
When I get home that night I try to talk to her, but she won’t, saying that she does not want to talk before Christmas because it would be “too sad.” I ask if she is going to ask for a divorce, she replies “I don’t know. Can we afford it?” I had my suspicions before, but at this point I knew something was up.
Over the next few days I tried to talk to her, but she refused until after Christmas. At no point were we fighting. She allowed me to give her hugs and a kiss on the cheek, but would not kiss me or hug me back, responding to my “I Love You’s” with “Ok” or something similar (she had been doing this for weeks).
Christmas day went smoothly. I received nothing from her and I gave her five or six gifts, which she thanked me for. Later in the day I noticed she had made a special trip to buy coffee for me, which I asked her to do, but only if she was going to be at that store and not to go out of her way. I thanked her and gave her a hug. When I tried to kiss her, she turned away, so I put my hands on her head and started kissing her whole face, working my way down to her neck. She giggled and laughed like she always does, so she seemed to enjoy it. This confused the heck out of me, but maybe I was crazy and was making progress.
The week leading up to New Year’s things seemed to be getting better. We were talking and laughing more, but it was still mostly “just business.” We never had that talk we were going to have, and still haven’t, because of my work schedule and her being out every night with either our kids or her friends (clearly trying to avoid me). I tried to schedule a dinner “date” with her for New Year’s Eve and then we could come back and spend the evening with our youngest kids. She said she had plans to go out, but maybe we could go for dinner. On New Year’s Eve I asked if we were still on, but she said her plans changed and that she wouldn’t have time.
She went out about 8pm and came home shortly after 2am a wee bit tipsy. I greeted her, asked if she had fun and continued to play “Happy Husband.” When she went in the bedroom to change, I followed her and gave her a hug. She hugged me back! Another sign I was getting through! We watched some TV for a while and she told my daughter and myself about her night and the friends from High School she had seen (Did I mention that she discovered Facebook in September and has been digging up old friends?) Before I went to bed, I knelt down, like I do every night, and gave her a hug, kiss and an “I love you.” This time I would only accept a kiss on the lips. She laughed and jokingly called me an “ass.” More progress! At least I think.
Since then, things have been somewhat better. We are joking more, I have made her smile some and she has even let me give her a back rub, although last night when I offered she said she didn’t know who I was and that I didn’t give back rubs. She shut me down. But mostly she has been emotionally detached, especially in text messages.
Last night, before I went to bed, I gave her a hug and kiss while she was lying on the couch. I told her I love her and that I was not giving up on her. Her reply? “We’ll see.”

She is sending out a lot of mixed signals:
We purchased a side of beef which we picked up the same day she told me she knew it was over. She got a text from the lady selling it saying that there was more available because someone did not pick theirs up, but by the time we got back to the lady it was gone. My wife said she was sad because we could have used it. Why would we need it if she is leaving me?
On Christmas day she said that we needed new water filters in a five gallon unit we have in the kitchen. These things are expensive, but last a long time. She said it as if WE were going to need them in the future.
She said we need to clean and seal the counters so they don’t get ruined. If we are splitting we would lose the house, which she knows. Why waste the time and energy?
She allows me to put my hands under her shirt when I hug her to touch bare skin and to nibble/kiss her neck. I’ve pinched her rear end as well a few times without complaint. If she was truly as gone as she says, wouldn’t that be off limits?
She cooked bacon last Sunday morning for some soup she was making. She then made some eggs just for me. Not for anyone else. Huh?
The other day she said I was trying to kill her. I replied “No. I don’t have any life insurance on you.” She then said that we really need to look in to getting some. If we are not married, you are not going to be the beneficiary, so why?
All of this plus more has occurred since the “it’s over” statement. It is almost like she still sees “us” in the future at times. Needless to say I’m confused.

The evidence I have that she is cheating:
I don’t have any “smoking gun” evidence, but I do have quite a bit of circumstantial.
She has had a major change in behavior and emotional detachment. She is texting and using Facebook at all hours of the day and night. Literally. I have often gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink and she is texting. I have even seen her texting when I get up in the morning to go to work. I have seen the name on the screen several times, and it is always the OM. During these texts she will sometimes get one of those “flattered” smiles on her face like someone said something to make her happy.
I have seen some texts between her and the OM. There is a lot of suggestion and innuendo, but nothing that directly says “we are having sex.” Putting it all together indicates that they are though. A lot the texts are about personal things in their life and she mentions “their beer.” The OM at one point says he feels like he is responsible for this. There is also a text between her and her friend that is having marital issues that refers to the OM by his initial and tells my wife to “be careful.”
In my mind this is at least an emotional affair, but I am 99% sure it is sexual too.

What I have done to combat this:
Since I started getting suspicious shortly before Christmas, I have been playing “Happy Husband.” I have been maintaining a positive attitude (at least around her), smiling and joking. I say nothing negative at all. I have been going out of my way to make her feel appreciated and loved. Hugs, kisses, nibbles on the neck (which is still making her giggle), and a lot of “I love yous.”
I have been offering to do things for her, like go to the store when I am out, do some of her “chores” around the house, get her food or drink from the kitchen and make myself generally more available to her.
I contact her once or twice a day just to let her know I am thinking of her. I bought her flowers “just because.”

This is so out of character for my wife. Her beliefs and hatred for adulterers and adultery runs deep, so she is the last person I would ever expect to do this. We have an OW in the family – my father’s girlfriend. He was with her when my parents were separated, but never divorced. My mother has been gone seven years now and my wife still will not talk to or even acknowledge this OW. That’s how much she despises this behavior. Yet here we are…
So there it is. That is what is going on. I’ve tried to keep emotions out of it and give you just the facts as I see them. I know both of us had a hand in creating this mess and it is going to take both of us to clean it up.
I want to save this marriage, so I need to talk to her soon. I still see something in her eyes and smile, so I think there is still time to save it, but I am running out of time. This is where I need your help.
How should I approach it? Should I take her to dinner and talk in a neutral site, or lock us in the bedroom at home? Since I have only circumstantial evidence and nothing physical to present her, should I mention the affair, or wait for her to say something? What if she won’t?
I am completely clueless on this, so I am asking for your guidance. I don’t want to lose her or my family. They are the only things that keep me going.
Please ask for any clarification you need. Saturday is my target date for the conversation, so any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.


Sorry about the length of this post. I tend to over analyze things and give too much explanation. As I have very little time to keep or maintain friendships I have no one to talk to, so getting this off my chest has been a little therapeutic for me.