Happy New Year. I hope that everyone can find more peace and contentment in 2018 than previous years. I was speaking with a lovely coworker about New Years' resolutions and she starts out each year with an intention instead. Her intention this year is "flourish," and I like this because the idea of an intention is less likely to set us up for failure. The way we think about things and the words we choose to describe them, certainly influence our life, even when we are unaware, don't they? I am still thinking about my intention for 2018. The one that I keep circling back to is "patience," however when I shared it with her, she didn't seem enthusiastic about it. I am going to keep thinking on it. I want an intention to live by this year.
Needless to say, I have not been on the boards much. I recall someone made a crappy comment about not expecting much from me anymore, and I'll tell you what, it is posters and comments like THAT that only further contribute to people not posting. So I am going to say right here and now, please do not post on my thread if you do not have something respectful, intelligent, or mindful to say. I don't have room for that in my life--not here, and not with the people I interact with IRL. Please and thank you.
I do check on some of my favs here and keep up with them and how they are doing. I think you guys know who you are by now :-) This is also the time of year that I work very long hours. And my GAL and 180s include going out more and doing more fun things. When I read here, I find myself getting triggered, keeping me in the past, or simply wasting hours I could be outside running. Sometimes I will pop over here and read from a new poster and think about how I would respond. Honestly tho, there is so much negativity and spouse bashing on these boards, that it feels counterproductive to me. I still read poster after poster focusing on everything their S is doing and essentially looking to blame them or call out on all their mistakes! Stop it, people! Even if you are right, and they are wrong, it doesn't serve you or saving the M to do this. Please read the mistakes that we (especially me) have made and try to learn from us!
Gah! It kinda drives me nuts! First of all, it goes against everything we should be learning here. Second, it keeps you in a negative tailspin of resentment and misery. Lastly, it will NOT bring them any closer to you, but will only push them further away. You have to actually wake up each morning and follow the rules. Posting here and complaining does not work. Sorry about it. Let them go, love yourself, and find happiness without them. It's okay to hope they will come back, but you can't bring them back by posting here and by being right.
I feel that I can confidently say all of this because I have now stood firmly on each side of the fence. If you have followed me, you know I suffered as much as any of you -- the full body 3rd degree burns, double betrayal, husband had the big dramatic A, left me with 3 kids for my "friend," while I was already suffering with the loss of a parent and a child in a mental health crisis. So yeah, I get it, I know the pain first hand. Now, however, several years have passed, and I am on the other side of the fence. My H came back and did all the "right stuff" and has changed.
However, now I question if I can remain in the M. I am also allowing myself to see him for who he is and not for who I always wanted him to be. I have taken a giant step back in the past several months and am reevaluating how I see my life. My H was a great DBer by nature, however the more I slip away, the worse he is at it. So like many of you, and like me back in the day, when you don't follow the rules, you push them away. When he is needy, focuses on me, and wants to keep having R talks, I feel suffocated and retreat. I get how this works, but I still can't help it. It's just not attractive. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and be open-minded, but it's not easy. If he would give me more space and do more GAL and 180s of his own, I think I would feel more safe recommitting to him.
In the mean time, several strange things have happened lately, that have made me think he is a good partner for me in general. I am trying to let my choices outweigh my feelings if that makes sense. I have also had some men in my life treat me poorly (not seeing anyone or having an A, I mean interactions in general) that has made me realize that my H is a good man. It has been so strange how the universe (or whatever) has put this out there. I don't really want to get into the details here, it's ikcy and uncomfortable, but I am getting this sense that the grass may by plentiful, but not any greener.
More later. I am going to go about my day and my GALs. Hoping my intention word comes to me soon. Take care everyone!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
