Should i leave the house or stay?

[Surv1ve]

Ouch, I can feel your pain from here, Neutral.

So, I have now been living with the alien version of my H for about 15 months. In the first 6 months, he spewed angry hostile garbage at me constantly and I internalized so much of it. It's hard not to: he has been the most important person in my world for over 20 years, and I could only make sense of my love for him and who he had always been to me by allowing some of his garbage to become my emotional truth.

It sounds like you pushed on your W's boundaries from a place of desperation. And, that seems to be something that happens with LBS folks. That said, it takes TWO people to engage in boundary violation in this context... your W allowed it. And, so what if your W was the strong one holding the reigns sometimes? Why is that wrong? It's a system the two of you set up over a long period of time, too, and you set it up together. It's 100% completely okay to change systems you built together, but it's a shared responsibility. If your W is typical MLC, she didn't voice a lot of her concerns before and suddenly you've got you B drop.

My MLC still lives with me. I am still standing for my M, and the benefits of having my H live with me are that he gets to see all of the hard work I've put into growing and moving and becoming my best version of myself. He gets to see that these stories he's built around who I am to make sense of his cognitive dissonance aren't true. If you move out, your W won't get to see your hard earned changes. Distance DOES NOT make the heart grow fonder. So, if you're uncertain, stay where you are. By all means, do your growth. Figure out which parts of who you are need a tune up and go do those things. 100%!!! find a new stability... fall in love with hobbies, get connected, go join your own gym, find stability outside of her, YES! Because she won't be stable anytime soon and you can't have your wellness depending on her. You have to build your own new anchors. My H feels much reassured by the anchors I'm building in my life because a lot of his story is that he's had to do everything for me, be my everything, and so my becoming less dependent decreases his fear and I get to see my old H a bit more than I used to.

But, it's a long road. It ain't easy, and there are no guarantees. You could stay, stand, become your best self and your W might still leave, choose a D, get stuck in her tunnel. You have to make sure that the growth you do is for your own outcome. I tell myself pretty often that the hard emotional work I'm doing right now is going to benefit me in every version of my future, and I find that immensely comforting.

In those early days, I had to take it one minute at a time. But, if I could go back, I would have loved to have known how much time I really had... I didn't need to rush or freak out at every bump because, really, we're standing still. Every wild swing of his moods means nothing, and he only seems to think about taking any action when I lose my sense of detachment. If we ever go our separate ways, I'm sure it'll be at my initiation so I can breathe and take my time.

This is NOT your fault. You didn't break her and you can't fix her. But, you can 100% become the best version of yourself.