Thanks all for the replies on my last thread. I will reply when I have more time.
Advice wanted:
So stbx came to talk to me about D1. Background is that D1 and stbx have always been very close. Since D1 found out about OM2, she has gone absolutely NC with stbx. If they are in the same room, D1 gives stbx icy glares. So stbx has tried to talk to D1 to no avail.
So now stbx wants me to broker the peace. Stbx is concerned that if I don’t get involved before D1 goes back to college far from home, then the NC will continue indefinitely. On the one hand, I think this is between the two of them to work out. On the other hand, I do want them to have a R with each other.
I am inclined to approach D1 and say the following. I love you and I know you are angry with mom about everything. That being said, she is divorcing me and not you. Mom asked me to talk to you because she and I don’t want this to be the end of your R. You have evey right to feel however you are feeling. And you have a choice about how you want to interact (or not) with mom. How are you feeling? What do you want? How can I help?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thank you for your heartfelt post and concern. I have thiught a ton about what you wrote and here’s my situation. Stbx was a SAHM and a model w and mother for most of our R. Yes, over the past few years, she has become a different person—in her own words, she has finally put herself first. While I wholly disagree with her decision to seek D and R outside of the M, I don’t think she is a danger to the children. My L believes I am getting much more custody in this negotiated settlement than I would if we went to court so it is in my best interest she sign what we have agreed to. So unless ownit’s prediction comes true...and she has no intention to sign ever...I am at peace with the current custody agreement. My older kids all text me all the time. The younger kids I will either take to school or put them to bed. I am determined not to abandon them, no matter what stbx decides. Despite the situation, we have for the most part been trying to co parent amicably and as well as possible.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Her relationships are her problem, as are the consequences. What if you stick your neck out and she continues to violate the kids’ trust. You don’t want to lose the relationship you have.
It is also somewhat juvenile to take this approach. This is her mother and she is a big girl. Mom needs to work this out. Once you are gone from the home you won’t be there to help. Distance can help.
College kids are vulnerable and miss home. Mom can send emails, letters, care packages, etc.
I think it is very normal for kids to feel the violation and act out. If you step in here you teach W you’ll be her fixer and you prevent her from reaching down and figuring out a way to get past this.
One of the things about this place is that the same stories seem to repeat. I would suggest you give thought to some of the things that were documented on Irish's thread that I'm sure you have read. Your W hasn't done the "girls gone wild" thing to the same degree but there are similarities.
You want to avoid (I believe) being part of the triangle and dynamics between the kids and their mother at least in the long term. Just like you won't be putting gas in her car in the long term, you're not there to be her partner in parenting the kids.
Others who have perhaps dealt with this more directly might be able to chime in with more specific advice though. Since my kids are grown and had left home before things went off the rails I've never had to be involved in co/parallel parenting.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm in agreement with what others have said; this is a problem between the two of them. You getting involved is triangulating; not a healthy thing for any of you. That relationship is your STBX's to work on with her D.
As a mom with older, adult "kids", I will toss something else out there. They watch and learn from us and often use us as models for what to look for in a mate and how to behave in a relationship. Models for what is desirable and also for what is not desired. If your D has always learned that a woman should be faithful to one man and that is the view that STBX supported in view and/or behavior, your D is going to now view her as a liar. If a daughter suddenly realizes that she has been lied to by her own mother (or insert appropriate parent/child relationship here), the person who stayed home with her to instill so many of her values and beliefs; your D's entire worldview is now called into question. What else has mom said should be a certain way, but not followed herself? What is right?
Then she looks to you, as you are the other being that instills values. Are you still holding steady? If so, then mom is (again) behaving not in accordance with what the parental unit has said was right. This makes mom very, very wrong as she is not following her own teaching, has lied, and has hurt you (she is now going to be somewhat protective of the parent that hasn't disappointed her). Of course your D is angry with your STBX; she has betrayed her as a mother and betrayed her family by blowing it up. Your involvement in this relational problem on your STBX's behalf most likely will not help and may cause issues between you and your D. I've been there.
Your best bet is to give your D time to process her own feelings about things. As hard as it is, continue to only speak respectfully about STBX to kids (concentrate on the good, don't bring up the bad) and when they bring up bad behavior, phrase your views in regards to you and your behavior; try not to use STBX as an example of bad behavior. You can even opt out by saying, "I'm not responsible for what mom does." If pressed for your views, give them your beliefs, but again, not mentioning your STBX.
Yep. Your D will form her own thoughts and you don't need to intervene. If your STBX doesn't like the consequences of her actions, that is no longer your responsibility. Your responsibility is to have a good relationship with your kids and work on it yourself. She is responsible for hers.
Sorry so wordy. You'll get through this, Gordy. It does get better.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I thought you guys may advise about not getting involved. But honestly, that is really hard for me to do (or not do). I don’t want stbx and D1 to lose their relationship. Yes, I know this is a consequence of stbx’s actions. Yes, I know D1 is an adult. It’s just hard to watch and do nothing. That feels wrong to me.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I want to chime in with everyone else. In the last year, I have read a zillion books on relationships, families, self growth, etc. One of the best ones was "the dance of anger" by Harriet Lerner which talked a LOT about triangulating. I learned SO much from that book, and Harriet Lerner and me are both in favor of you letting STBX and D1 to manage their own relationship. I think it's fair to response to STBX and say that you, too, want her to have a loving and close relationship with D1, but that it's no longer your place to intervene in that way. You can let STBX know that you are supporting that process within your limits and boundaries by never speaking poorly of her, being accountable for what belongs to you, and being willing to nonjudgmentally support D1 if she chooses to share her feelings with you. Meanwhile, one of the best things anyone said to me on the board was from 25 in that I didn't need to give conseqeneces to my H for his bad behavior; LIFE would give him conseuqnces. Sorry to Gordie's STBX, but this is one of the consequences of her life choices. Let her clean up her own mess and don't rescue her from herself. Consequences for life choices help us to learn to be better people! Let her learn what she needs to learn.
From D1s perspective, I think if you get in the mix, you just risk having D1 feel resentful to you, especially if you come in with an agenda. She has every right to be furious with her mom. Let he know that you're aware, that you're here for her if she wants to talk, and that you support her in making a great decision for herself. She may just need some time.
BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016 H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37 D 10, Son 7 M to H = 20 years EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
You will achieve the opposite. You and the stbx will be growing more and more distant. If you are the required glue to hold them together, as she continues to distance from you, she will also distance from D. If you leave the two of them to work it out now, there is a better chance it will preserve their relationship independent of what happens between you and stbx.
I was always the glue between my H and my kids. Now they cannot relate to each other at all. He is very, very slowly making more effort. In fact S volunteered last night that H is sending lots of weepy texts about how much he misses S. This is a big improvement to Mr. Confident not having any time for his kid.
The more I have backed away, the more he has stepped up. The gulf is so huge though that it is going to take some time before he mends it enough for anyone to see the progress.
