Just a Vanilla Change 35

[Vanilla]

RD, thank you for your kindness dearest Internet bruv. Always considerate and kind, I concerned for a very long time that you would stay attached to WW forever. When you disclosed that you had a lovely lady in your life I cheered and fist bumped the air.

You probably heard it in Dublin!

And such a lovely lady so in tune with RD..

So so pleased.

I have been alone now since Feb 14, yes I know the G didn't leave until May 15 I avoided him and we had no connection other than the abuse. And I moved out of the big house in June 14, yet still the abuse considered at an unprecedented rate.

The verbal abuse about my appearance appeared to me to get true, so as a result of steroids and that wretched tooth, finally had the drain out yesterday. My jaw has had to be rebuilt because of collapse due to my infection.

I felt as he described me, I bought it. All of it and I still have flashbacks and I have started dancing again, it's jive so it's partner dancing. Sometimes I don't turn up until 10:30 when the dance finishes at midnight. Other times I can't leave the house at all as I can't find something that looks good. My hair is very thin indeed and I am very self conscious about that too. I had a minor operation on my bladder as I had disintegrated stones trapped causing infection. It is likely the infections were as a result of sex with the G as they haven't happened since. And I am concerned that restarting an R might start that cycle again.

My finances are awful, I am as close to bankruptcy as I can get and won't be solvent until I sell the big house, which isn't happening as the market is flat for houses of this type. Paying off my L will easensure my mind a great deal too.

I think aged pa dying and the grief has set me back.

It was worth having the D and also having a trial because I now know and can never unknow the unvarnished truth. That in itself makes me fearful of any new R.

Ginger1, I understand what you are saying and empirically it makes sense. I just don't feel it. I do tell myself what the G said was nonsense, untruth and that I should detach, but I haven't done so.

I am detached from him, from that R and the thought of the G being near me repels me. Completely and I would love to pay him off and then enforce the non molestation Order. The best thing that could happen is that he reconciles with the BIT and that they marry. He stays in Italy. I fear they have split up as the G is still in the UK. The BIT birthday was a couple of days ago and they weren't in the same place and they are usually in the Caribbean for her birthday at her holiday apartment there. The cheques I sent him are in a post office in Italy, REJECTED by the resident.

I want to be free, my L paid off and the G completely out of my life. I have another hearing in March and the G is saying he wants his cash. He would like to make me bankrupt, which he can't for marital debt of course. However the Judge could decide to enforce the house sale at auction which I don't want to do. I would rather wait until the market recovers which of course it will. These things are cyclical.

So with these stresses I feel unworthy and that brings me down. At almost 64 I should be enjoying life with the future in front of me. Still it is as it is, I live each day as it comes.

A wise friend told me recently that with the fins you reach a point of comfort, you have enough and adapt. Another told me that being broke was part of the LBS condition, more so with a wayward and it's true. Even more so with an abuser.

I was lucky I managed to get the S before 5 years so the 50:50 split doesn't apply with premarital assets. However WH argued his premarital assets, proceeds of the house he sold, his pension, his redundancy were used in the M. The judged agreed even though it was the G that gambled them 820k. So now he has a slice of mine as of course I kept working, was building, paying down mortgages, building a business.

That seems unreasonable to me.

This is a vortex which creates drag bringing me down.

My dearest Internet friends without the support here I doubt that I would still be around to fight. I was very very lowell indeed in very poor health, diabetes, weight and mental state poor. In fact in May 14 I had a minor heart attack warning, just before my 60 birthday, that was when I knew everything had to change and I lurked here until I eventually started to post. Even at that point I was still set on saving my M. Even despite all the abuse and damage. I gradually learned the impossible and the NC became permanent. The first steps to piecing myself not my M.

I have literally saved myself with the support of a wonderful group of peeps on this board. RD was posting with me through the darkest night I had when my abuse counsellor told me that she could no longer counsel me. That was the abuse was so bad that she felt unable to cope, that was from the UK largest counselling unit. From that point I was helped by a domestic violence unit, indeed I have taken the Freedom programme 3 times. I have a counsellor who is a volunteer and she herself was a domestic violence abuse sufferer.

I still have support although I am no longer a high priority.

The damage persists.

I can not thank you enough RD and Ginger1 together with everyone who posts how important your support has been to me. How grateful I am to have such wonderful peeps in my life. Even if we met through this awful deal of the hand.

I do still blame myself and fear my heart is permanently broken.

V