WAW on rebound, toxic inlaws, mental health issues

[Maika]

When I received the e-mail I got some mixed feelings. There are positives and negatives.
To summarise she is saying that she:
- still is 'sure of her decision'
- still is 'incredibly angered' by my actions
- admits she comes across as heartless
- does still think about me and misses me
- says that we were great friends and but can no longer be friends because of everything that has happened
- hopes I am doing ok and my life is going on
- hopes I find the right person to give myself to when I'm ready
- knows that I have been incredibly hurt by her actions
- hates that her decisions have caused me so much pain
- had been left with 'little choice to protect her own happiness'
- wants to let me know she does care about me

If I could've substituted your sitch to my sitch, my W said EXACTLY the same things to me. Every single point. That's why we talk here about how the WW/WAS have a 'script'. Your W fits the bill precisely. Don't believe anything she says or take her words as something serious. If she was truly sorry and remorseful, this is not how she would communicate it.

#1 The 'sure of her decision' thing angers me a lot. It wasn't her decision but her parents that pushed her to do this
#2 You don't make a decision to abandon a marriage lightly, certainly not in a matter of weeks
#3 Her anger is completely unjustified, I read her messages and talked to her friends about what I found. She actually committed adultery. What's worse?
#4 It's likely that her current happiness is provided by the R with OM so, as long as OM plays a part she isn't faced with her grief/loss. Still questioning the validity of a re-bound R.

1. Maybe, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. She took the step so it's her decision in the end.

2. This was probably brewing for her for months if not years. The LBS sees this as an abrupt sudden thing, hence calling it the 'bomb drop' (BD), but it's been simmering for a long time for the WW/WAS.

3. Is her anger truly unjustified? Can you not think of your marriage with more objectivity and see where you fell short? Try and be more critical about yourself and see what part you played in its demise. She may not be justified for everything, but right now her anger is blaring at full cylinders and she will blame you for everything. So, some of it is justified, but some is not. Figure out what is justified and use that to make personal improvements and figure out areas of growth for you.

4. Maybe. Possibly. But in the larger picture, it doesn't matter. She's living out a fantasy maybe with OM. But, you have to accept that your marriage is dead and that if anything was to happen with her again, it would be something new and different. But for now, you have to focus on yourself and not worry about her. Seriously, focus on YOU.

She is not showing any remorse and real compassion in that email. You want to believe that but it's just not there. It's all about her and some about you, but even that is centered around her.

She broke radio silence so this seems big, but let that thought pass as it doesn't mean much right now.

[trbuste]

If I could've substituted your sitch to my sitch, my W said EXACTLY the same things to me. Every single point. That's why we talk here about how the WW/WAS have a 'script'. Your W fits the bill precisely. Don't believe anything she says or take her words as something serious. If she was truly sorry and remorseful, this is not how she would communicate it.

Hi and thanks for your comment. It gives me comfort to know that somebody can relate to this exact situation. I feel most of what she is saying is unreasonable, and if she was truly sorry indeed she would meet up with me and explain her actions face to face. I find her way of sending a 10 line note rather immature. I think the main messages are still fuelled by anger.

I will comment on the following:

2. This was probably brewing for her for months if not years. The LBS sees this as an abrupt sudden thing, hence calling it the 'bomb drop' (BD), but it's been simmering for a long time for the WW/WAS.

3. Is her anger truly unjustified? Can you not think of your marriage with more objectivity and see where you fell short? Try and be more critical about yourself and see what part you played in its demise. She may not be justified for everything, but right now her anger is blaring at full cylinders and she will blame you for everything. So, some of it is justified, but some is not. Figure out what is justified and use that to make personal improvements and figure out areas of growth for you.

2. All I know is that she said to her friend that she was already happy in March. This was 2 months into the legal process. She kept on telling me to drop the legal case and get a job. I didn't respond to that nagging.

3. She can be angry about the fact that I read her messages and betrayed her privacy yes. Everything else I find unjustified. I stuck to my guns to proceed with the case, and I was proven right by the authorities. She didn't have the patience to see it through. As a matter a fact she abandoned her husband in a time he needed his wife most, when he was depressed and unemployed.

I have played back the scenario in my head dozens of times, and honestly the only thing I would have changed would be the way I argued with her about the case. Never in a million years would I have dropped it, as it was fully justified to proceed.

Thanks

[trbuste]

Point 2 was supposed to read "unhappy" not happy.

[Maika]

So, aside from the privacy issue and the legal case that she's upset about, what else is she upset about that you find justified or unjustified?

You talk about you being depressed and unemployed. Trust me, I know what that feels like. I became a dark cavern in that time and didn't want to be around people and just didn't pay attention to my W's needs as a partner (as a father, I was always 100% there).

Think of the time you got married and the person you were and what changed during your marriage. Which qualities did your W admire about you and what happened during the depression. I think those are good areas to start thinking about where you might have fallen short and what you need to do to get your mojo back.

Also, there is something really weird about your case and how it is of such importance to your in-laws and W. Something is not right there.

[AnotherStander]

If I could've substituted your sitch to my sitch, my W said EXACTLY the same things to me. Every single point. That's why we talk here about how the WW/WAS have a 'script'. Your W fits the bill precisely. Don't believe anything she says or take her words as something serious. If she was truly sorry and remorseful, this is not how she would communicate it.

^^^This is exactly right^^^

She is showing a lot of remorse and compassion in this e-mail and that's the very first time she's done that throughout this entire period.

Maika is spot-on, she is NOT showing remorse, not at all. She is simply showing some guilt, she feels bad for making you suffer. But make no mistake, she is still convinced that she is doing the right thing and that her actions are justified. She feels like you have wronged her for many months or years, so now you are suffering the consequences of that "inaction" on your part (I'm not saying that's fact, it's her perception).

[sandi2]

In September 2017 after the BD when I met up with SDiL I repeated my question. His response: "I told you last year it would cause problems.". I said "I don't see why?". He started laughing and said "You don't see why??".

When he started laughing and said, "You don't see why", was it in a snarky way? Was it as if he thought you were joking? Did he act as if he assumed you surely knew?

How was their attitude toward you when you were unemployed?

She is showing a lot of remorse and compassion in this e-mail and that's the very first time she's done that throughout this entire period.

I have to agree with the others that she is showing more guilt than compassion. And, as long as her anger is directing her decisions.....then she is not feeling remorse. She can't be filled with anger and remorse. When a person truly feels remorse, they are humbled. Judging by the description of the email content, she is not humble. Sorry if that sounds too harsh, but even if her parents have heavily influenced her (and it sounds as if her mother has some type of unhealthy influence on her), I doubt they are fully responsible for her actions.

This is not the girl you married. Use this time apart to learn the available information on the board. She may need time to get her eyes opened and to realize what she really wants.

[trbuste]

So, aside from the privacy issue and the legal case that she's upset about, what else is she upset about that you find justified or unjustified?

I think those are the only issues she is truly upset about.
The other thing can perhaps be described as a sense of rejection, I will describe it below.

You talk about you being depressed and unemployed. Trust me, I know what that feels like. I became a dark cavern in that time and didn't want to be around people and just didn't pay attention to my W's needs as a partner

Yeah that is more or less what happened. I started going to bed at 2am and waking up at 9am, she was still going to work during her normal hours. Whilst sitting on the sofa watching TV I was always on my laptop distracting myself with games to stay happy/positive. She frequently had to 'request' cuddles from me. Towards the end I started ignoring that because I couldn't cuddle a person who had just been whining my head off.
Effectively I stonewalled her because she was trying to derail me from my end goal which was to complete the case. At some point during this process I felt as if I was being blackmailed, that I had to give up the case in order to save my wife, but my morals did not allow me to give up the case.

Think of the time you got married and the person you were and what changed during your marriage. Which qualities did your W admire about you and what happened during the depression.

I was always a really positive and upbeat person. I always saw good and positivity in everything. My wife loved this quality in me because of her own mental issues I provided her with stability and positivity. She always described me as "her rock" and I still have some birthday cards where she writes "she is not good without me". The moment I lost my own mojo and got depressed about this situation was the moment she started detaching herself. It's almost as if she couldn't be there for me when I was down. I guess a person suffering depression herself can't cope with another person suffering depression.

Also, there is something really weird about your case and how it is of such importance to your in-laws and W. Something is not right there.

Yeah it's rather sick. I know for a fact that SDiL and my ex-boss communicated, because things that I mentioned to SDiL ended up being brought up during the legal hearing. Also SDiL testified against me and defended my ex-boss with a written statement.
I have no idea why they tried to so hard to stop the case.

Maika is spot-on, she is NOT showing remorse, not at all. She is simply showing some guilt, she feels bad for making you suffer. But make no mistake, she is still convinced that she is doing the right thing and that her actions are justified. She feels like you have wronged her for many months or years, so now you are suffering the consequences of that "inaction" on your part (I'm not saying that's fact, it's her perception).

Yeah that makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your comment.

When he started laughing and said, "You don't see why", was it in a snarky way? Was it as if he thought you were joking? Did he act as if he assumed you surely knew?

Very snarky. Yeah he acted as if I surely must know why. But I genuinely have no clue.

How was their attitude toward you when you were unemployed?

Distant. We visited their house maybe 2 or 3 times, conversation was generally superficial or avoided. The last time I was there I mostly played with my W's nephew and only joined them for dinner.
I think they felt I was delusional and useless.

SDiL also mentioned that he could see this coming from miles away. When I challenged him to ask why he didn't do anything he said "It wasn't in my place to do so". So in other words, he preferred for the M to crash rather than take action.

I have to agree with the others that she is showing more guilt than compassion. And, as long as her anger is directing her decisions.....then she is not feeling remorse.

Well she is very upfront about that. She literally writes "I am still incredibly angry" and that she is "still sure in her decision".

Judging by the description of the email content, she is not humble.

Yes she isn't humble in the email.

it sounds as if her mother has some type of unhealthy influence on her

The R between her and MiL is extremely intense.
When her own parents divorced MiL abandoned my W and didn't care about her for 2 years. Despite this my W believes that her dad is the cause of her parents breaking up and MiL is innocent.
MiL is her absolute hero and goddess, she can't do anything wrong. They also have a physical R together, this sounds sick but I will explain. When my W goes over to see MiL they sometimes go upstairs and cuddle on the bed "like good old times". My W needs this to feel closeness to her mother. I find it bizarre behaviour for a 33yo woman.

This is not the girl you married.

That's crystal clear.

[trbuste]

So I had my session with Joann this morning and it was rather interesting. First of all she was shocked to hear from me because we didn't expect any communication coming from W, but it did!

Her professional analysis of the email is that my W obviously cares about me (if she did not she wouldn't have sent it). She is still convinced that what she is doing is right, and she is still angry so we need to defuse that.

We went through the email line by line several times and constructed a response to counter it.
The response is written in a warm, caring and understanding way so that she feels listened to.

Other than that she recommend to:
- continue to be patient, go slow
- continue LRT (because it seems to be working)
- don't tell her what to do
- don't tell her to change her mind
- listen to what she writes and appreciate her comments
- take 100% responsibility for what went wrong

So I have fired off the email and will continue to GAL until something (hopefully) comes back..

[trbuste]

Hm. Unexpectedly my W just responded to the carefully constructed email with:

Thank you.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Notable is that her parents have been absent over the last 2 weeks (on holiday) which is probably which allowed her to work on some self-reflection.

[AnotherStander]

Other than that she recommend to:
- continue to be patient, go slow
- continue LRT (because it seems to be working)
- don't tell her what to do
- don't tell her to change her mind
- listen to what she writes and appreciate her comments
- take 100% responsibility for what went wrong

That all sounds like sound advice. Regarding the last item, you are not 100% responsible, but you have to accept 100% responsibility because your W is not willing to accept even 1%. Also if you've apologized to your W (as we all should at some point) then don't keep apologizing over and over. A good, genuine apology is great, but if you keep following it up with apologies then you start to look weak and insecure.

Hm. Unexpectedly my W just responded to the carefully constructed email with:

Thank you.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Notable is that her parents have been absent over the last 2 weeks (on holiday) which is probably which allowed her to work on some self-reflection.

There's zero self-reflection in that response, it is a very predictable, scripted, typical WAS response. What it says is "I read your email and it had zero impact on me, but I'm going to placate you with a polite response that still makes it clear I'm done with you." You've got to understand her timeline for recovery is very, very long. She will not be doing ANY self-reflection for months yet, and even after she starts it's going to be a long process of months or even a year or more before she gets anywhere with it. And it's a journey she must take alone. You can't help, all you can do is remove the pressure from her and give her time and space.