WW, A ended, but limbo and unanswered Qs.(My 10th)

[hoosjim]

LH19, I appreciate you trying to pump me up and "steel my spine" to do what has to be done, but...

Playing devil's advocate here, let's not overstate the "BS I've been putting up with for over a year". Aside from the fact that it has not yet been a year (close, yes, but not quite), a lot of the "BS" since, well, probably August could easily be said to be the result of where you're standing when you're looking at it. Her "behavior", with one or two exceptions, has been, objectively, exemplary. No contact that i can discern with OM, no outward signs of disrespect towards me, and (although, yes, I did not insist on "enough" when the SHTF in july) what I didinsist on she has complied with. Only exception being arguably and I stress arguably WRT the counseling, which I insisted had to be a component going forward. My implication there was obviously that we would follow the advice of the MC (which, in our case, included IC-- which W has not obviously sought out) but I don't know if I would call that "putting up with BS", especially since she has gone to every session, without complaint, that I have scheduled. Has she scheduled any herself for us, or requested that I do so? No-- though she has taken the initiative on some of the homework.

At any rate, I am not going to argue that all of that is enough... BUT... a lot of that is on me for not setting clearer boundaries and requirements and for making it too easier for her to come back.

Her sleeping apart on a few nights, and saying in session that she is having a hard time envisioning a fully intimate relationship with me? Seems more honesty (painful, yes, but honest) than disrespect.

Failure to put back on her wedding ring? I have never brought this up (once, maybe, but very obliquely) nor established it as a "must", and, hey... I'm not wearing one either and have made no move to replace mine. Bad sign, okay, but "BS"?

The two trips out she's had where her whereabouts were arguably (and only a little arguably if you have a BIG imagination and like to spin) unaccounted-for? Easily could've been a lot of things, including just forgetting her phone.

The unaccounted for trip to her office (which I shouldn't even really know about)? Easily a short side-trip on her way to go Christmas shopping (and it was in fact on her way).

Her get-togethers with bff? No indications of any wrongdoing and I can't control who she hangs out with and, as she has noted in the past, she doesn't approve of all of my friends either. (One of whom cheated on and subsequently divorced one of her other friends--though, to be fair, I am no longer close with this dude)

My suspicions about a couple of items of jewelry? Just that. I have asked her about it and she has denied that any are from OM. I have no concrete reason to think otherwise.

The only two concrete things she has done "Wrong" have been to a) briefly go shopping next door to OM's hangout after me telling her I didn't feel comfortable about her going there just prior to Christmas--though she did not hide it and in fact told me she had gone and b) tell me a couple of lies, one which she may not even have realized, about her past with OM-- one was a couple of weeks ago when she said her bff's AP (a mutual friend) did NOT know about her A with OM (when I know for a fact the opposite is true) and the other was, back in the summer before SHTF she told me a pic on her FB page of flowers were NOT from OM, but just recently she confirmed they were. Of course, by confirming they were she also confirmed she kept the pic up for nearly an entire month after SHTF.

Anyway, in a nutshell: No, she is not doing what I need for her to do in order for me to a) feel safe in the MR and b) feel like she is committed to the process of counseling and reconciliation. But I have a really hard time working myself up into an angry, self-righteous lather because "I have been putting up with constant BS". It's simply not the case. Thankfully, though, it doesn't have to be in order for me to take a stand.