Vapo, andrew, ownit, butterfly, ginger, neutral, and especially Cali,
Thanks for sticking with me in these dark days. No new epistles! It feels like we are at the end of the distance pursuit dance...when both partners distance from each other.
Cali’s comments about his w only being able to work on m or herself but not both. Wow, that’s some hard earned wisdom.
Andrew—can’t believe you called me a walk away, but yeah...it feels like that to me too, if I am honest with myself. These days I don’t even want to be in the same room as her.
Ginger—remember when I got here and my stbx said let’s do open m...and I was in such a LBS fog I actually considered it. Thank God I’m no longer in that fog.
Butterfly—move out date is a few weeks away. I don’t really need to pack as I’m not taking any stuff except my clothes and personal affects. Stuff is not important to me and most in the house is hers. I want to start fresh, including new furnishings of my own choosing.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, Believe it or not you're going to want certain things you may not have thought of, like photos of the kids at various ages. See if you an make copies of them while you're still in the family home. Scan them to a thumb drive - you can print and frame them later.
xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree w/bttrfly on the photos. Walk around the house and make a list of the things that you would like to take to your new place. Right now, you are not thinking about the material things, but you will regret not taking them later on and she may very well turn nasty and not allow you to have them later on. Right now, she's in the mood to do anything you want if she thinks she can win you back into the game, so ask for them and get it in writing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gordie - From a more practical point of view things like furniture etc in the house are marital possessions.
I would suggest going around the house and photographing things including serial numbers. I'm not sure where you are in the settlement process but the value of what gets left comes out of her side of the ledger. Also, that will help to ensure that stuff doesn't vanish unaccountably.
In my case I used this to my advantage by just stating that I believed that what was taken was roughly equivalent to what was left behind (from a monetary value point she took a lot more). We didn't bother itemizing things then and just moved on to the next point.
I actually need to do this inventory again now myself. I did it in 2015 before all of this blew up (man there was a lot of crap piled everywhere here) and need to do it again. Insurance companies like it if you can easily identify material possessions in case of loss or theft.
If you have access to a scanner, scanning in whatever photos etc you don't already have digitally would be handy. I spent a huge amount of time doing that and then just boxed everything up for my ex. I expect that they are all still in the original boxes. You can then just print off whatever ones you want for your new place and frame them up. I go to WalMart for that - it's inexpensive and quick.
How are the kids doing? I have no idea if this is a good idea or not but are they involved at all in planning / setting up your new place? They'll be there some of the time and having it feel like home to them would be good I would think.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Gordie, I cannot relate to the moving out thing, but I will tell you that I am totally thinking about you and your kids. Please know that all of us here are wanting you to succeed in your situation. You have grown so much since you started here asking so many questions of all of us going thru this crap. I remember thinking...man this guy has a question about every little thing. By doing that, you have grown so much. I pray that your w has an awakening at some point, but I know that you are truly healing and letting go.
You are a rock star. Keep us posted and keep the faith!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Andrew I think it an excellent idea to involve the kids in the new place if you can. They may not be enthusiastic about it but just asking is key as it gives them a feeling of control in a situation where they have none.
xoxoxo
Gordie, she's a fool.Just thought you may need to hear that from another female. I bet all of us women herenwould have been thrilled if our spouses made a 10th of the effort you've made to save your marriage.
Her loss. Your gain. xxoxooxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Gordie, I desagree on one thing and one thing only. The kids..
What kind of role model will she be? What do you think will happen in their minds. When it comes to your kids, think future. She is totally uncapable of discipline towards herself. How will this affect your children? Joint custody is fine but there is a difference between being the one responsable for the most part of their days and the one having visitations. And by reading tour story, your children will be neglected by her or they will be babysat alot for as long as replay is in. Then, think of the depression stage? What about the withdrawl?
Children are the MOST important thing to me. I beleuve they should be with you.
Let me explain why i am saying this. I grew up with an alcoholic father who physically abused my mother from time to time. One night,a fight, brought on by my father, broke out. my oldest brother, who was visiting, took me, my mother and my brother to his place and convinced my mother to leave him. This was peace!!! My father quit drinking and did the work nevessary to get his family back! We were gone for a full year. I can only imagine how i would have felt if she would have left us with him. Don' t get me wrong, we loved him but he was not what we needed a parent to be.
I look at that experience when came the time to make sure my children were better living with me. Ex- h has money, always has a live- in partner, plenty of toys but also clueless on what the children really needs. Guidance, love, respect, self-esteem builder, self confidence booster, pride etc...
Eventho i do not have much, i have what is needed and i am proud!!! I am more than enough!!
Just want to say that although you did not choose this you have a lot of say in how you respond to all the variables. Take your time and think about things. I know how the pressure builds with the live-in. But you can detach from this and make decisions at calm moments.
And I ditto that the way you have stood is so admirable. You are a top notch fella, like so many of the men who stand here.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
