I agree with you that the motivation has to stem from the inner core and not from hoping that this will bring about recon. Then what you're doing is basically engaging in a performance and not making the serious lasting changes.
I think that AS talks about this from his anecdotal experience that almost all WAS/WW have attempted recon at some point. This doesn't mean that it will happen or the LBS is willing to do it. You're right about not dwelling on it or thinking that it's a sure thing with enough time given.
I can say that in my case, I am fairly certain that my W will regret her decision. But, will that regret turn to remorse and wanting to recon, I really doubt that. If she does approach me with remorse, that will be the first indication to me that she's gone through some personal growth because she is terrified of hard conversations and communicating things, and has a high level of anxiety. But, to be honest, I don't see that happening because W has projected all the negative stuff outwards towards me and hasn't reflected too much on what she did in the MR that brought us here.
The only real route, as you've noted, is that you have to better yourself and understand yourself deeply. That is the one gift that I have received from this for sure.
I hope I didn't come out as too negative. I just don't really believe in many things said over here. For example it being a script - sure, what happens seems to follow a certain pattern but we are all so different and we tell a different story when asked. To me, these sometimes feel like things that are said to make us feel good, but it just prevents us from seeing the reality - it doesn't matter how it happens and why it happens. It happened and now you just have to focus solely on yourself and learn from your mistakes (if you had any). Just as the reconciliation - it will happen if it happens. You have to save yourself in order to even have a shot in reconciliation.
I don't believe that my XW has any regrets ever. Maybe guilt, maybe something like "I could have probably made it work" if OM doesn't end up being the one in a million "happily ever after" story, just same sh1t in another wrapping. However, it's rather useless to speculate that as like you said, they would have to go through a similar journey as we do in order to find themselves and gain the growth we here are after. If they don't, why would you want to be with someone who stood stuck and never developed?
It is said that we are given the gift - the gift of time. In my personal opinion and closely to what you said, the greatest gift we are given is the enlightenment. If we choose to see it, it gives us the willingness to seek for guidance to gain the growth, relationship (or in general, life-) skills and keys to build our own happiness; it frees us from believing that happiness comes from outside. I think knowing these things are really rare in today's world. Of course, it is a shame that it all has to happen this way for a lot of us. But, nevertheless, I'd rather learn from my mistakes and build a new future than to stay in a stale relationship where I did not know these skills.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
