Any ideas how to "counter" her 180s? She is showing on FB that she is interested in variety of concerts and other stuf she never was before. I have say it really hurts me.
You need to be proactive in helping yourself become independent of your W. You can't do it if you are following her on FB. It keeps you focused on what she is doing......instead of focusing on what you need to do.
It hurts my heart to see someone in the emotional pain you are experiencing. I put my own H in that pain, and would you believe I was cold about it? It wasn't that my goal was set to hurt my H, but rather I saw it as part of the consequences of his neglect of me. Your W is not able to have compassion for you, b/c her head is on whatever makes her feel special at the moment.
The harsh reality of this situation with a WW is that you don't make her feel the way she feels with this new man. It's not you....it's her. Her brain is flooded with chemicals that give her the feelings of falling of love. But, IMHO, it is not true love. It is built on her selfishness and emptiness. In other words, just about any man (except her H) could fit her needs at the moment, b/c that's all she is focused on......what makes her feel better.
The reason you can't be that man at this particular time, is b/c of two reasons. (1) She blames you for her feeling neglected, lonely, emotionally empty, etc. (2) She has placed you in the friend zone, therefore, she has no desire/sexual love for you. That's not to say it can't change, but I assure you that it won't happen quickly.
It won't come about until a few things happen. First, this chemical high she's experiencing will need to fade. There's a good chance that if she loses attraction for the OM, she'll look for OM#2. It's b/c she wants to feel the "high" of being in love. Do you understand? It's as if she is a drug addict. You can't trust a drug addict when they are seeking their next fix. She's not in love, but she thinks she is. As soon as she begins seeing the OM#1's true colors or the reality of the situation, she will either look back at you or toward another man. It depends on timing, whether or not her rebellion is slacking off, if she's had to really face losing something precious to her, what she sees in you.
Secondly, you have to be a better version of yourself. No more signs of weakness, b/c this really is a huge turn off for the WW. No more co-dependent ways. Being emotionally independent of WW causes you to be a more interesting person. Did you realize it? When all you do is work, go home and collapse, maybe do something with the family on weekends......you begin to lose some of your male swagger.
Yes, the W wants her H to be a family man. Yes, she wants and needs one on one attention from her H. So, it's kind of a two edged sword. You would have to find balance in being involved in family activities, as well as GAL for yourself, and still find time to give your W one on one special attention.
Women can undertake multitasks more [i]naturally/i] than men, IMHO. Traditionally, men focused on providing for his family. Whereas, the women had to do the housework, laundry, shopping, cooking, running errands, taking care of the babies, seeing to the needs of her H and the other kids, etc. The modern H has learned to share in most of these duties, and he is proving he can learn to multitask, too. Families are so busy in their lives that it can become very challenging to balance everything. That's why you need to learn how to balance yourself without her, first. It will give you a better chance at succeeding with her when you reconcile.
The newcomer LBH seems to have trouble in balancing some of the advice he receives on the board. Perhaps it's due to his emotional frame of mind, IDK. You are receiving solid advice, Mav. You may feel you can do nothing right for a while, but everyone feels this way in the beginning. Right here on this board, I have seen so many men make a fantastic improvement in their lives. Sadly, there have been a few that refused to "try" and just get out of the house and find something to do. They were so co-dependent that they mistakenly took those feelings to be love. They could not balance what we were telling them about GAL, becoming a better man, etc. Those men would give up and leave the board, without us ever knowing their outcome. However, we could only imagine their sad and lonely existence. I hope you won't give up, Mav. There have people who were M for 25 or more years, who learn how to regain their lives and are actually very happy.
We are not promoting divorce, although it may sound that way to your ears at times. We are trying to tell you how to save yourself before you can save anything else. This is your personal work to do, while the WW is going through her stuff. You have to separate your life from hers and find yourself again. She fell in love with the man you were 9 years ago. Although your situation may be different now, can you find the man you once were? If not, can you become a better version of what you are now? You sound like a wonderful person, but you've lost a part of you that made you special. Go find that guy!
Let me share something personal. I understand depression. I have lived with it most of my adult life. It is very difficult to be motivated while depressed. I am the type of person who has to find something that makes me feel fulfilled or rewarded. I don't mean in a self centered fashion, but just a fulfilled purpose within my being. I have learned that I am capable of doing things I never dreamed I could do. But I have to stay motivated. If I get bored with a hobby or activity, or I can't find enjoyment....then I have to find something else......or the depression gets worse. I need something that challenges me, without beating me up. I can't sit in front of a TV all day, every day.....without the depression getting worse. I have to have variety of things to do in my life. When I get "burnout", I am done! I am a Gemini so I have two personalities, or two sides.....bubbly, friendly, and funny...or quiet, withdrawn and moody. I have a social side but when I cut myself off from people, I take on attributes of a hermit, and become more depressed and I don't want to get out of my house for anything. It is constantly a work in progress for me. I have not been the easiest person to live with, and I take responsibility for it.....by doing what I need to do to stay balanced in my life. And this key, Mav.....if I sit and wait on motivation, it doesn't come. It's like fishing. If you won't get off your a$$ to bait the hook, the fish are not going coming to you.
The WW has a lot of work to do on herself and on her MR, but her timing and her work are on a different time table than yours. You won't see any work in her for some period of time. How much time, IDK. It varies from woman to woman. But she has to get the OM out of her head, or acting like Girls Gone Wild....whatever rebellious actions she's currently doing. In the meantime, you focus on yourself and the kids. You set goals that will improve your life. You meet new people, discover new interests, and challenge yourself. By the time your WW learns that she's truly lost you in her life.....you will be ready to respond in an attractive, manly manner. Some men lose another chance, b/c they aren't emotionally ready and don't interact with the WW in the way that works. That's what we want you to learn.
As to what can you do to get started in GAL, I suggest you look at whatever announces local activities in your community. Where I live, our local newspaper and websites announce various things. Some are in the form of entertainment, club activities, community classes, church groups, volunteer groups, etc. Just get out there where the people are. You won't be the only single man in the bunch. Look around to see the needs in your neighbors or community. Is there an elderly shut in person who needs snow shoveled off their sidewalk, or for someone to get their prescription meds, or pick up some groceries? Many elderly people don't have means of transportation or can't afford to pay someone to do these simple but important things. Some of them simply have nobody to give them a few minutes. Wherever your compassion leads you, follow it. Maybe your neighborhood is filled with kids that seem to have too much time on their hands. That might inspire you to start a Saturday activity for the group of kids in the neighborhood. Preferably something outdoors or in a public setting, especially if you are new to the neighborhood. You can get acquainted with their parents and that would lead to new friendships and having them over to your place, etc. There may be other single guys you meet and could do something together. I mean, the possibilities are endless.....but you have got to put one foot in front of the other one. It's not likely going to come to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
