Separated after 9y and W says it is the end. Help!

[lcause]

Mav, I can totally understand what you are feeling because I was there too. You can even read through my thread and see how similar I was 3-4 months ago.

Benito is 100% correct. You need to understand it. No matter what you do you can't get your wife to change her mind. There is no buttons to be pressed, no things to be said, no arguments to be had, no gifts to be given... The sad reality is that most of the time the WAS does not come back. Reconciliations are extremely rare, especially the ones that end up lasting and not being fakes or ending up in a similar situation later on.

Listen to me again, I was there too. I felt extremely bad and demotivated - but do you know what? Everything in life that is valuable is hard to get. Your brain will seek for comfort; the LBS is feeling more loss of the control in the situation than the loss of the spouse. You do not need your wife to be whole. No matter how demotivated you feel, no matter how worthless everything seems - FORCE yourself. Go try things out of your comfort zone, pick up courses, start dancing lessons, play guitar... TRY and experiment with things. It simply does not matter what you do as long as you DO. First it is hard, I mean, really hard. But keep forcing yourself, really push yourself and eventually you WILL notice that you are progressing.

- divide your tasks to smaller and easier parts because this way you trick the brain out of seeking for instant gratification rather than allowing you to complete the tasks you need to; start small but do progress

- write your goals to, for example, a white board and cross them over after you've completed them because this way your brain literally learns to enjoy completing tasks that have previously felt really hard to achieve due to low motivation

- keep a journal to monitor your progress because afterwards it's harder to see your progress and believe it unless you have proper proof to convince yourself

If you notice yourself slipping out of this process, don't feel bad. Just force yourself to continue it. It will come naturally. Search for other self-help material too.

In my sitch, OM is practically living where I moved out 6 months ago. Life's not fair. I get that. But then again, life is not good or bad - life just is. It depends on the person how they see and build their own life regardless of what they have experienced before. Making yourself a victim is not going to help it. Your kids will always be yours, no matter who they are living with. This can't be taken from you. Be the best dad for them and they do, and will, love you forever. If I could get over the worst phase, you can too. Allow yourself to have time to experience the feelings and the grieving. This process is a marathon regardless of the outcome. Baby steps. You will be fine.