Adjusting to being a LBS #2

[Subitai]

Okay, I wrote the letter to my W. It has several different apologies all laid out, talking about what I think are the main problems we had that were wholly my doing.

I'm sending it to my IC to see what they think, and I'll talk with him about it later this week.

It was... weird to write. I feel way more empathy for her position after enumerating my apologies.

These were the sections : (Not cut and pasting because google-fu would lead her right here if she wanted)

1) Not doing IC right away, years ago. Blaming it on my PTSD over therapy is not a sufficient excuse.
2) Defensiveness and meanness. I looked back at our relationship and picked out a notable moment from 10 years ago that indicated this is a longer seated issue that I have so far admitted. This was an eye opener. Saying "what about the good times" does not excuse this.
3) Lying : I have a hard time admitting to failure, so gaslight myself and others about the reasons behind failure, or casting it in the best possible light. I didn't even really understand what or why I was doing this. Sometimes I feel like my worth is solely based on my performance in life (because of emotionally distant, blah blah blah) but that's no excuse for this.
4) Emotional Distance : Basically, I only shared good emotions, and kept other emotions bottled up until they showed up as anger. I should have talked to her more about my doubts, fears, and failures honestly, along with telling her about the good things.
5) The begging and emotional blackmail/etc from the BD. It's not easy for her right now, either, and I let her know I know that, and that I'm trying to be in a place where we can talk without me making her exhausted.
6) Bonus : Apology that fixing these things can't happen immediately. Admitting I will be a work in progress for awhile.
7) Saying I'm sorry our M is where it is, acknowledging her "many paths" discussion we had, and whatever we wind up on, I want us to be able to respect and care about each other while being the best parents/co-parents we can.

I end with roughly : "I do love and respect you as a good person/mom/etc. I should have shown you that all the time, not just in the good times."

With L and Kindness,
Subitai