My Journey with WAS (Part 7)

[trbuste]

I see no real evidence of her 'trying' during our marriage. When I think of 'trying', I think of a concerted effort by both people to address issues in the marriage. For this, these issues have to be put out in the open.

'Trying' is not some covert black ops where one party is trying to do something behind the scenes without the other person knowing. That is one person doing things with whatever mind reading they're doing about the other person.

What I am upset about is that she didn't ever bring up any issues during the MR - and I have wracked my brains to remember any conversations about any issues and I can't recall any - and then suddenly just doing BD and not even wanting to 'try' to salvage the relationship.

Them 'trying' in the background is not 'trying' when the LBS has no idea what the issues are and cannot contribute to a truly collaborative effort. Marriage is not a one-way street.

This is SO TRUE. And also fully applicable to my situation.
What is worse for me was that in my situation there were no obvious issues in the marriage. Up until 1 week before BD we were still holding hands, walking on the beach and kissing each other like a young couple in love. Was this a mask? Fake behaviour? I may not ever know.

If my W had been more clear about her intentions then a lot could have been done. She just tells me "I believe you really don't get it". "You don't understand me". But gives no further explanation as to what it is that I should understand.

What my W has never done is accept that any of her behaviors contribute to the health of our MR.

Why do our WAW not try? I suspect my W and many others feel they are already good partners in the MR and all the problems are due to their spouses (us). Whereas I feel I have grown and become a better partner, my W has not changed that aspect in these five years.

I remember during reconciliation a conversations with my W and she said a MR should NOT be work -- "it just is". She really believes that a MR is good just because the partners love each other and it shouldn't take any effort. To my W, love can come and go, and you can do nothing about it. If this is the worldview of a WAW, then there is no sense in "trying" because you cannot change love or the MR.

So, I do agree with you that our WAS have not really tried to identify issues in the MR and address them. I believe the reason is they have a very different worldview. Cadet has said "love is a choice", but the WAW doesn't believe it is a choice. To the WAW, it either exists or doesn't exist.

In the WAW's perspective, not having ended the MR sooner and sticking around was 'trying'.

Again so much TRUTH in this post.
Totally the same as to what my W thinks. Love exists or it doesn't and the WAW feels the love has gone therefore it can't come back. She does not see love as battery that can be recharged only as a candle that reaches the bottom and can't regrow..