J9, Doodler, and Maika, thanks for the support. I hope this will be the start of a new beginning for me.
My dad sent me this for religious quote. I found it comforting. Maybe it will help someone else here too:
"The reason why some people have turned against you and walked away from you without reason ... has nothing to do with you. It is because I have removed them from your life, because they cannot go where I am taking you next. They would only hinder you at the next level because they have already served their purpose in your life. Let them go and keep moving. Greater is coming your way."
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Two nights ago (Sunday night), S15 was on the phone with STBXW, and after the call he told me STBXW was taking him and S10 to her new apartment for a few days, starting Monday night. He asked me if STBXW told me about this, and I said no, she hadn't. I was upset that S15 was acting as the messenger.
So last night (Monday), I picked up some dinner for the boys on the way home from work. When I walked in the house, no one was there. The lights were off and I walked around the whole house to check. She'd already taken them to her apartment (which I don't have the address for BTW). A fair amount of their clothes and all their medications were gone. She never communicated that she was taking them. I emailed my L.
After that, I met with my deacon at church again. He helped me work through some of my anger. He explained how listing out my fears would help me start to see where my anger is coming from. Back at the house by myself, I worked on my list of fears, and this did help me a bit. Then I texted the kids good night, and S15 responded in kind.
This morning, S10 texted me to ask if STBXW could drop him off at my house tomorrow morning so he could catch the bus from there. I told him yes, of course. Already, I see she's not able to manage their schedule on her own. I have a feeling these little last-minute "favors" are how she thinks things will be in the future. Good ol' Holding, always there to pick up balls when she's juggling too much. And once again, the kids are the messengers.
This feels like an excellent opportunity for a boundary. But the thing is, this kind of boundary could impact my kids in a negative way, and I don't want that at all.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
This feels like an excellent opportunity for a boundary. But the thing is, this kind of boundary could impact my kids in a negative way, and I don't want that at all.
Maybe the opposite would be true. Setting a boundary about last minute favors could be a visual lesson for them to see what their mother is doing....and the consequences. Otherwise, there's a possibility they will follow her bad habits, especially if she continues getting bailed out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know how long mediation takes but I assume it will take some time. You might think about putting a schedule in place for the interim. At least that way the kids know where they are going to be staying and you know what to expect.
H..... I will do my best to help you out as I am going through this exact same thing as you know. My W and I are following a recommended parenting plan spelled out by the state in which we live. Since we are a 50/50 split I get them M Tues and every other weekend(yes it [censored] but that's what I get). You need to attempt to get this in place as soon as possible so issues like you are dealing with don't pop up. When my W moved out(on XMAS eve) she left the house at 7:30 am with my daughter to help set up her new condo, I had no idea where my daughter was as my W and I had agreed on the kids being with me all that day.
The reason I say this is because my wife never counted on me becoming closer with my kids than I was at BD, she has in some ways pushed away at them as well and now she takes every chance to spend more time with them or at least have them in her presence. So, get the parenting schedule set ASAP so you know your time! No more surprises, it's not fair to the kids!!
And you need to learn this word,,,, NO! use it! I have learned to use this lately and man is it a powerful word. You know we both suffer from NGS so learning how and when to use this even with our kids can be very helpful to you! I agree with Sandi on this as well, we can't can't baby our kids in this and continue to keep this from them, they're smart, they see right through this madness. They see who has the sh*t together! Stay strong brother you're doing great!
Agree with everyone else that you should get a parenting schedule in place ASAP -- it's stressful for the kids when they don't know what to expect or where they're going to be.
My schedule is 50/50 and has been a month of weekdays followed by a month of weekends, back and forth. I like that schedule because it minimizes the handoffs and the kids can do their weekday schedule from one location. Just something to think about, has worked really well for me for years.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
