I, personally, don't think that the separation is her way of showing withdrawal. She's still seeing all of her new friends and the separation is her way of being able to do the things she wants to do w/o you watching and questioning her every move. She looks to you as an authority figure (father) right now and she doesn't want "daddy" to know what all she's doing.
Withdrawal is when they show no interest/motivation in anything. They just want to be left alone to think and sit around looking at four walls. You are trying to mix apples and oranges here with withdrawal and separation from the relationship and you.
You have to start thinking of her as being someone different. Her interests are different and her personality is going to be different. The person you are saying that you can't see her being holed up somewhere is the person that you once knew. The person you are dealing with now is a different person. Think of her as being the mirror image/opposite of the wife you know and love.
No one is telling you to shake the feeling that you can still be great. You can still have hope that things will work out, but you've got to start thinking a bit differently in how she is today, not what she was like two years ago. You have to find a way to accept her for who she is today. Your expectation level w/her needs to be backed down to zero because if you don't do this, you are going to be disappointed when she doesn't do or say what you think her responses/actions should be.
Yes, I did recommend Solo Partner. It's an excellent book that I read many years ago and still recommend it today.
You will that I will continue to circle back around and tell you to keep the focus on you. I know it's difficult, but you need to do this. As the old saying goes "a watched pot never boils". Leave her alone, allow her to do what she needs to do to heal. Keep your eyes forward and continue taking one step at a time forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you. Your post makes a lot of sense and is giving me a different perspective on my situation.
Originally Posted By: job
She looks to you as an authority figure (father) right now and she doesn't want "daddy" to know what all she's doing.
This strikes a chord with me, as after looking inwards after BD2, I may have been a "father figure" during most of our relationship, with good intentions, of course. I would say I've perhaps overly influenced a lot of her decisions in life, and even though they may have resulted in better outcomes, I've recently come to the realization that there is value in her making her own mistakes and learning from them hopefully -- probably moreso now with her in an MLC.
Yes, I've certainly come to see that me 'thinking I know what's best for others' and guiding the decisions of others was actually me trying to control people around me. It is a useful thing to learn, because we are just seeing the world through our own lens, and others see it through theirs, so why should we know what may best suit them?
I live and let live much, much more now, and it is freeing...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
W did use the word "controlling" as one of her complaints. I guess for me, it was difficult to know whether we were making decisions together or debating to make decisions. Probably the latter, which leaves the person who “loses” the debate resentful. More mindful of this now, and trying to improve in this area. I do wish she had complained that I was controlling when she felt I was rather than bottling it up and using it against me now.
After BD1 W and I did an in-house separation and "reconciled". Reconciled in quotes because I'm not sure now whether our R has really been solid since, now with BD2. W has now separated into her own place this time. I've seen sandi2 comment that she doesn't think in-house separations are good. Thoughts on in-house vs. out of the house separation? When my W wanted to get her own place my feeling was that separating from MH is a worse situation, because there is less contact with W and makes an affair with OP easier.
At least with the separation and she's out of the house, she can then be w/the OP far easier and more often, which means that at some point, they just may get tired of each other. When they have to keep things a secret, it's the thrill of getting one over on others. If it is out in the open, eventually the euphoria of the "getting together" will wear off. They will eventually see each other's warts and imperfections in time.
Wife has said she needs IC because she's had an f'd up childhood, but hasn't gone to one. Is this something I should gently push? Does IC help those in MLC?
No, you don't gently push...you just listen. She has to be the one to decide to go. Generally, people in MLC will only go a couple of times and hear only what they want to hear when it comes to IC. They really aren't ready to do the work until possibly much later.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok, going to lay off of reminding her about going to IC unless she brings it up.
On a positive note(I think), wife has been helping more around the house, which has made things easier for me, as I have been having to do more with her in her own apartment. She has been coming over and reading with the kids before they go to bed, and she stated that she enjoyed dong this. Prior to BD2 she felt this was important. Post BD2 she stopped doing this along with caring for the boys less. At one point she stated, "I need to be selfish with my time and be happy. I need to focus on myself -- not you or the kids." I feel like she's valuing family a bit more since BD2.
