Ah, reading your words about self care was like a gentle balm. As soon as I read your reply, I knew that I absolutely **had** to put that advice into action.
So I found a guided meditation on YouTube and listened to that. And then, something I've never done before, I made up a massage oil for myself for after my bath. I added my favourite essential oils into it (citrus), and massaged it into my arms, legs and shoulders after I came out my bath. I almost cried with relief of doing something so gentle and kind for myself.
One more day until the D paperwork is posted out to me.
I've had a few strange dreams over the past week (including one where STBXH poured a mystery clear gel like substance onto one of my hands. It turned into a dark, viscous liquid that was slowly corrosive, and which I had to try and get off in some way).
I have finished my latest piece of work and am currently resting. I'm planning on taking it extremely easy for the rest of January (and possibly February too). I'm going to work slowly and consistently, just a little each day. And I'm going to focus majorly on health too: meditation, yoga and running, always looking my best, and time for recuperative and restorative leisure activities.
As soon as the D paperwork is in my hands (which I guess will be early next week at the latest), I'm heading to the bank to pay off the rest of my mortgage. That's one of the things I wanted to do as part of this whole process - achieve a good level of security by owning my house outright.
My R with my wonderful man is a revelation. I can see now how superficial (in the emotional sense) my R with my STBXH was. There really wasn't much compromise from him, if he wanted to do something, then he did it. He did do it with my support a lot of the time, and a part of that was because I am very easy going (although he probably wouldn't say that...lol!). I really do believe in letting people do what they want to do. The only exception would have been his drinking and his affairs.
Anyway, yes...superficial. Looking back, there didn't seem to be much negotiation or compromise on his part, or even the possibility of any acknowledgement of that either. Latterly, STBXH did ask me on more than one occasion if I thought he was a psychopath. I had no idea why he was asking me that at the time and I found the question a bit ridiculous, although now it's clear...that was a question about morals and conscience. And for the matter, no he wasn't a psychopath.
Would I be attracted to him now? No, never. There would be too much flashiness, too much hot pursuit. That's not flattering really.
I know from looking at his bank statements, that that was how he pursued OW after he left. And I reckon she was totally bowled over by it, just like I was when we met all those years ago. Perhaps even more so, as he was prepared to cheat on his W of many years for her...the ultimate flattery. And I've actually just had a very funny realisation: when they started this affair she was the same age that I was when I met STBXH. There's a thought.
Well, I'm going to get up and start my very peaceful day now. Thank you all for your love and support. Will probably check in again soon.
