Act Now or Cry Later

[bttrfly]

My dear HaWho, I wish you a year full of love, joy, peace and prosperity! May only the very best things come your way in 2018! xoxoxo

[HaWho]

Yes Job, he's struggled this Christmas. And normally he loves this time of year. I took the tree down and he didn't say a word. Remember last year he was sad that I didn't keep it up until February, was it? LOL! Oh, good times those were.

Ownit - I am not facing the paranoia that existed years ago where he thought I was trying to murder him or poison him. (Ugh, I can't believe I just wrote that as I swear if you knew me you'd never believe I'm the sort of person to whom this could happen!) But he's still secretive about really dumb stuff and yet at times he tells me things that years ago he would not divulge. If he's leaving at off hours he now says where he is going. Sadly, I don't much care anymore. I watched him do his disappearing act for so long that I finally just tuned it all out.

Gordie - MIL must know he harbors anger towards her. He exploded at her at Christmas, just a year before he bombed me. I am not sure what story she tells herself each day or what demons she battles. She owes him a serious heart to heart and she's getting up there in years. But she also once told me he was born angry. I don't believe that for a single second. I think that's her way of justifying what she did.

Thanks Bttrfly - Happy New Year to you as well! I tried to post to you but your thread was locked. Sorry to hear about your dad. Hip surgeries have come a long long way. Hope you are holding up okay.

Well, a feather could have knocked me over today. In the AM h announced that he needed some different music as he "couldn't stand" the same stuff anymore. It has been YEARS (yes, years) of him circling through the same series of truly depressing songs. He'd listen to the same 5 depressing songs all day for months. Then he'd change to another 5 depressing songs and listen to those for months. I would have gone crazy the first hour. In fact, I promise you it could be used as an interrogation method. It has been awful. It is wonderful to hear different music. And it only took him 3 years! (This is said with a forehead slap and heaping dose of sarcasm).

I was in s14's room yesterday and saw h wrote a poem for son. It's all about death. It's well written but the theme is quite worn. It's all about how death will win the ultimate struggle. In it he (h) agrees to follow death down a corridor but when h has the chance he turns around and escapes. But he says he knows he won this battle but death will win the war. He also writes that he's not afraid of death but I don't believe that for a second as he practically takes a suitcase worth of vitamins/day. I wish he hadn't shared the poem with s. I wish he could have kept that one under his hat. I wish as a father he knew to protect his son from that kind of thinking.

A few times he has done things that he did not do at all the last few years. Like he is at x place and offers to grab something for the kids on the way back. And sometimes he asks if I want anything. It sounds small but truly, he has not looked beyond his own nose in years.

Today he asked me if I was going to do a few household things that needed to be taken care of. I was curt and said I wasn't sure as I had a lot to do. (I had to clean, do laundry, put all the decorations away and take down the tree). I wanted to ask him "and what exactly are you going to be doing all day? Sitting in your stinky room for the million day?" I am glad I bit my tongue as he said he'd take the boys and take care of it. And he did it. I thanked him. And it was nice to be able to work in a quiet house without distraction. The point is I do see him trying at times now.

But at times he is unbelievable. Last night I picked up pizzas on the way home. The traffic was bad and there was an accident on the highway. It took me forever to get home. And I needed to stop at the store for something as s12 had friends staying for dinner. As I was walking in, I was carrying two pizzas, my purse, two bags of groceries and another bag from work. H just walked right past me (like 1 foot from me) to get something from outside. I practically couldn't even see where I was going over the pizza boxes. Unbelievable.

[HaWho]

Well, h just gave me divorce papers. He has an apartment in place that he rented last month. Maybe he's had it longer and he's just been lying. He wants me to look over the papers, use the same lawyer and just sign. I know he has found someone and that's why there is a big rush.

He wants to tell the kids tonight. He wanted to tell them alone and then have the three of them come to me to support me?!?!? He says it's no big deal and the kids will be just fine so long as I am not there to hear him tell them. I am telling him I want to be there to support them. What a coward.

He says he is the one who is losing out and we 3 will benefit??? He says he's only doing this because he can't take that room anymore. But he's also said it's been bad for 12 years.

KML or Cali - as you are local, do you have the name of a good lawyer?

Also, I will please take all legal advice anyone can give me.

[job]

Well, that may explain his behavior over the holidays.

I am so sorry that he hit you w/those papers today. I have this feeling that he's been planning this for quite some time. Sure you can look over the papers, but I strongly advise you to get your own lawyer and have him/her look them over for you. Take your time w/those papers.

If you haven't already done this...get your accounts separated asap. Start taking photos of the inside of your house because he's going to be sneaking things out w/o asking you about them and you will only discover things gone when you need them. Yes, this does happen quite frequently. I have to wonder how he's planning to fill this apartment w/furniture and where is he getting the money for the security deposit and the first month's rent w/o you being aware of money missing from the accounts or do you already have separate accounts?

Yes, it does sound like he's got someone waiting in the wings. The person may not actually be fully present, but I'm sure he's either got someone or is speaking to someone.

Oh, no! He doesn't get to decide to tell the boys by himself. You definitely need to be there to hear the BS he tells them. It's more like you and the boys will support each other.

Well, I give him credit for one thing...he's the one that is going to lose out big time. You and the boys will be okay...but that man has completely lost the plot if he thinks he's going to be happy out there in the cruel world. I'm glad to see he's admitted he can't stand his dorm room any longer...but that was his choice. He could have lived and shared the entire house w/everyone like a normal human being.

As for the 12 years, please do not drink the Kool Aid he's serving up. You would have known if things were as bad as he stated. If they were that bad, he should have manned up and discussed the situation w/you 12 years ago and not in the last few years.

I know this comes as a shock to you, but maybe it's for the best. He's been "stuck" for quite some time and this just might help him start facing the consequences of his actions. One thing I do know, you and your sons will have a more peaceful home environment and not have to worry about walking around on eggshells.

HaWho, I am here for you, just as everyone else is. Keep the focus on you and your sons and this is now a business deal gone south. Take all the time you need to read over those papers and find a lawyer that can and will represent you. Leave him to his own lawyer.

[Kyh]

I’m so sorry Hawho. The way you’ve handled h and his Mlc is commendable and I’m sorry it came to this. I hope you can find some relief from the mlc madness. Also, I heard most of those things your h said, more Mlc script.

Please take care, will be thinking of you and your boys.

[HaWho]

Thank you Job. Your support means the world to me. Truly.

I am okay, really. He is not well. He has not been well in years. He told me nothing is wrong with him. That he just can't come out of that room because of me? I asked why and he said it's too uncomfortable. I said I feel perfectly comfortable. I think it's his conscience eating at him.

I am just focused on finances and my kids at this point. He thinks it's normal to tell them by himself. And I know what he wants to say to them: "hey, this is all okay. Let's do this without upsetting mom." He hates emotion so he'll force them to "man up." But in the end it's he who is the coward.

He told me this is best for me and he hopes I already have 1 or even 4 or 5 boyfriends I see. Guess I know what he's thinking about.

As for the money, he is sneaky. I know he is. And I bet he has money hidden.

[OwnIt]

HaWho,

I'm so sorry, I think we all wanted to believe that this one would turn out differently, at least in the near term.

I don't focus on this part much, but my H was a stay-at-home wallower for several years until the replay stuff amped up with a job change that put him away a week at a time and in the same hospital with OW1, several hours from home. He became so cruel I had to give him the boot.

Nevertheless, I've always seen a lot of similarity between our Hs. Don't really know why exactly. I guess I believe, rightly or wrongly, that my H struggled and waged an internal battle for a long time trying to "do the right thing." Ultimately, he just wasn't strong enough to do it. I see that with your H too.

I hope it isn't too soon, but I am a silver-linings girl, and I see some for you. Your situation was stuck and needed a change. Although the method is not great, your H is taking that step for all of you. I have very recently found gratitude for my H in doing the same. We were sipping daily doses of poison, and now we can recover.

My son (14) is about the same age as your oldest I think. My D (17) is a little older. I can tell you that both kids struggled mightily the first year. We were supposed to tell them together but he chickened out and ran off. They confronted him on 3 occasions shortly after he was gone and he shut them down in seconds and ran from the house. He has not had a single honest conversation with either of them since. I had to the hard work once again, as I suspect you will.

Mine both struggled academically and my S did some self-harming. I can tell you that one year out, they are both doing great. Much better than H's final years in the home. They are back on top (H academically and D with her talent). We are much closer and much more honest with each other. I have learned the hard way to let them fail and not try to save them or white knuckle the situation.

You are mentally more mature and grounded than I was at this point, so I'm telling you things you likely know, but the better you deal with this, the better your children will. It took me a really long time to get that, but once I did their healing really began.

Mine don't like to talk about him at all. So we don't. Their counselor said this is OK. That they get to own how they process things. D is presently not speaking to H, neither of them answer him, and he is about 3 weeks from his last attempt to see S in person (he didn't even try to see them over the holidays).

I hope that your H will be better. I think mine would be if we lived closer. He still texts them every day I think (something he has done since about Sept. if memory serves). But in the beginning with his women, he disappears pretty completely.

I've learned that when "nice" H shows up, there is something about to happen that is not nice. I understand that is pretty common. I think your H's change in music is attributable to the dopamine rush from the woman. Remember that is all that any of this is about.

I wouldn't be surprised if yours now goes through a pretty hard replay. I think when they repress it for a long time, it is like a roaring tiger. Two years from my discovery of the PA with OW2, I feel like mine is slowing down, although I don't have much insight to his life so it is hard to say for sure.

We are all here for you. I'm not a family law attorney, but have looked into the law in my state anyway quite a bit in preparation for the big show. I recently posted on NicoleR's thread on newcomers what factors I think one should look for in an attorney. I am happy to help out in any way I can.

We are all here for you, but you know that.

[kml]

I don't even remember my attorney's name, and not sure he would be right for your situation. I would transfer half of what's in any joint checking or savings to an account of your own asp. You will also want to file an order for temporary support asap.

This may not affect your boys as much as you think - they may feel relief with his negativity out of the house. And you will be free. Don't be afraid. You did everything you could, you didn't break him and you can't fix him.

[HaWho]

Thanks KYH, Ownit and KML. I appreciate all the support.

Yes Ownit, I too noticed anytime he does something nice something nasty follows. Years ago he would do something nice right before he went out all night long. And last weekend he was being nice and yesterday he offered a lot of help. Guess it was his way of making himself feel better about what he was about to do.

And I know now that yes, something (probably someone) has moved him into not wanting to listen to the depressing music anymore. He was super cheerful yesterday. And today he is humming around the house when he is not in the stinky room. Clearly he is onto greener pastures.

We discussed the last few years and he doesn't remember much though he thinks he does. He downplayed the letter and denied saying much of what he did say. He said he went out all hours of the night because we were "broken up." He says he's been perfectly normal these last few years and feels really happy. He says he's only not happy because of me/when I am around.

He is very, very off. He just walked into the kitchen and said that a certain water bottle was really nice. S14 said to him, "yeah, it's yours." H said "it is?" And s14 said: "yeah, it was my Christmas present to you." H seriously does not remember receiving his one and only gift from s14.

And even weirder the other day h could not get the right answer to a simple math problem. I told him the right answer and he said no. He went into the stinky room and came out several minutes later sticking to the same answer. I took a calculator and did the very simple math. He said it still did not make sense?!? He's been lost a long while. The way he is acting reminds me a lot of his fuzziness in the early days post BD when he would get lost all he time and not remember anything.

Anyway, KML, Ownit and Job, thank you for reassuring me that this may be best. He's depressed and has no idea. Actually for myself I am ready. I know he has lost the plot and I think there will be greater peace without him here. But I am worried about the financial part of the d as he's quite sneaky these days. And most importantly, I just hope my kids survive and thrive through this. I think s14 may not be too surprised. S12 I think is going to take this very, very hard.

[Gordie]

HaWho,

You are a rock. When you say you are ready...I believe you!

I’m sorry this is what it is today...but as you say he is quite lost. And frankly, given his behavior there may be relief at some point for the kids but also longing for “a normal” dad, as I have heard it.

I hope for a smooth process for you.

(((HaWho)))