Wife wont admit to affair, its driving me nuts! 2

[sandi2]

Talking is gone for now.
Just because I exposed her A to my family and I'm the bad guy.

She may stay pi$$ed about it for quite a while, or until she can demonize you enough to persuade her parents' that you are the bad guy. But, whatever, you have no control over her relationships. You don't have to ignore them or totally cut them out of your life, but until things are settled, just remember that they are her parents.

There are many hills and valleys on this journey. Don't expect it to stay the same all the way down the road. She may wake up with a different personality/mood every other day. One common thread, she is only interested in what benefits her the most. It takes priority over everything else.

Got huge amount of support from family and friends who messaged from Facebook after seeing her rants about me. People are concerned for me.

My suggestion is not to have a FB bashing. I'm sure it must be tempting to reply to her mean/untrue remarks, but this is the mother of your children, and there is no need to publicly tear her down. I say "publicly" b/c you never know who is reading social media. You don't have to defend yourself, and it's not a popularity contest.

Also, I would spare your parents of too many details about your W's affair. If the MR is reconciled, it could make the relationship with your parents very sticky for her. I'm not suggesting you lie or cover up, but just be careful about running her down. If emails are not the only source of communication, you may want to consider blocking her......and blocking her from FB. As long as she is raging against you, you'll be tempted to reply with "truth darts".

If I were in the shoes of a LBH who had a WW, I know it would be a miracle to keep my mouth shut when she started sounding off. However, your W knows the truth, and there is no point of reminding her of her bad behavior. The truth darts would probably only heighten the argument.

What kills me is her stubborness, selfishness and inability to apologize but thats always been there I guess.

If this ^^^^^^^^^^^^ is nothing new for her, then don't expect it from her in the near future. Has she always had a sense of entitlement?

[Morbo]

Sandi wrote

My suggestion is not to have a FB bashing. I'm sure it must be tempting to reply to her mean/untrue remarks, but this is the mother of your children, and there is no need to publicly tear her down. I say "publicly" b/c you never know who is reading social media. You don't have to defend yourself, and it's not a popularity contest.

I'm not on FB. Friends have just informed me what she's saying.
I have no intention in rejoining FB or replying to her or publicly shaming her.

Some friends know and family know too of the affair. I said nothing for almost a year as I tried in vain to get back with my wife who had no interest. I made the changes I needed, ignored the fact that she was probably emotionally involved with someone else and just gave her the benefit of the doubt. I never really argued with her even though I thought she was wrong, I was convinced I was a POS and deserved it.

Its only recently that I've really been calling her out on her BS.
I'm not backing down.

Also, I would spare your parents of too many details about your W's affair.

Yes, I divulged some of the affair details to family(her secret trips, her phone calls to OM, other things) which MAY get me in trouble if we did reconcile but they're all totally true. Ugggghh.

So she texted me about kids stuff today. We exchanged a few terse, cranky texts. It annoyed me so I couldnt help myself but sent the the very friendly pic of her and OM that she didnt know I had. Yeah, one of those "truth darts" I guess.
She went into the usual, "We're just good friends, he's really helped me in these awful times". I was having none of it and we had a couple of other angry exchanges and I guess that will be it til we see each other on wed morning.

Yes, I KNOW I should be going total NC. She's really been pushing the buttons.. I did need to reply about the kids stuff though... Will keep busy the next few days and try not to be an idiot :-)

[Vanilla]

Use some humour Morbo.

If WW says we are good friends, he is a support. Say 'yes his third leg is your crutch'.

WH said something about one of his OW, and I said 'she was useful for lying in her own wet patch'

Other good comments are 'I wasn't born yesterday' and 'stop, we both know the truth'

Don't get angry it just makes you look like you are pursuing and bothered by it. That would be contra to your strategy. I hope so?

Truth darts are best served cold. And you can say what you like to whomever you want, however despite that right it's best done judiciously.

If you have an OM photo then you may choose to wreak revenge on it. I had a photo of the Fishwife with her H. I photoshopped a fish on her face. Morphed, it gave me great joy. He quickly moved on to the next one when that one was discovered. They had a row in the holiday flat, and Fish wife was drunk and wet the bed. They left it for me to clear up. An elderly neighbour complained about the noise and WH said it was the TV. He apologised to the neighbour and she rang me saying 'I don't think so'.

You can imagine my truth darts on it.

Another of his OW left a used tampon on my kitchen worktop. No idea who she was. I call her Tampon. I asked WH if it was his? He said it must be mine, but I have had a hysterectomy following cervical cancer in 2001. So my truth dart was 'I guess you must have used it on your haemorrhoids? '

Use humour it will help.

V

[sandi2]

I have witnessed many people in your situation that get something on their mind, and won't let it go until they follow through with it. The friendly photo of WW and OM was eating at you. Add it with the hypocrisy and b.s. you WW says, you were thinking how sending the photo would be a truth dart. And, you wouldn't let it go until you finally sent it. I see LBH's start thinking about baring their souls in a letter to their WW's. No matter how many people tell them not to do, they won't drop it until they do it.

Here's the thing. She gets you angry, and that is understandable. Nobody blames you for being upset. We are trying to tell you that reacting in anger is not how to interact with her. To her, it appears vindictive. The minute the conversation turns sour, that's the minute you discontinue the message. Make it a boundary. "I will not engage in a discussion where I am being disrespected" (lied to, cursed, yelled, demanded, etc.). Of course, that means you show the same curtousey.

If you really want to make a point, pierce her heart, or swing her head around..........then show no reaction whatsoever. Do not show recognition to her snide comments or b'tchy remarks. I don't mean you should act passive. WW's hate passivity in men. But don't engage her pi$$ing contest. You are above it. You show you are Fonzie cool, and she does not have the ability to ruffle your feathers. You won't give her that power which leaves you even more empty and flustered. Giving over to the temptation of pushing her face in it, or pinning her to the wall with truth darts.........would bring very little and short lived personal triumph, IMHO. When truth darts are given from anger, they get anger from their target.

Whenever she sends a nasty written email, leave it alone.......especially if it starts making you angry. Give yourself so many hours....or days before responding. If it something about the kids that needs an immediate answer, then take care of that business only. In fact, telling her that you think it's best to discuss nothing outside of the children is best for now.

You need to make a goal about how you interact with her, and what you will do if things take a bad turn.

[Joe2017]

Morbo, I am hardly a seasoned veteran but you have got to set some limits for yourself. You are engaging her in her own games. You have to remove yourself from the conversation. You can still get the last word by saying "I'm not doing this right now" or something non vindictive. And them hang up. And don't answer.

The act is more powerful than the words. The only words that will have any effect are the words that hurt your WW, and those are what she will cling to.

If that's what it's come to and you can only try to hurt her when you communicate, then reevaluate why you're doing this at all.

DB is not about revenge, that gets you nowhere fast.

[Morbo]

Use humour it will help.

V

You're right V, I could lighten up.
I think if I was in your shoes with the stories you tell I would HAVE to use humour, or go to jail lol

Sandi and Joe, you make all good points.

From my side, up to 6 weeks ago I was still actively working on trying to get my wife back by being loving, forgiving, being the best dad I could etc
It was only when I only realized that her heart was probably somewhere else(her A) that I gave up as it was pointless and I've tried to turn around and get MY life back on track.

In our marriage, I never really called her out on anything. She's an only child, arrogant, clever and self righteous. She also has a huge chip on her shoulder that she got pregnant at 21 and had to leave her studies and didnt finish her degree. We also had a daughter 2 years later(totally planned) but she blames me for everything.
Thats the way she works.

Through the last year as we were falling apart, separating, I just concentrated on what I could do, get better work, be a better father, get in shape, set goals, be more ambitious. I succeeded completely and I am very happy with where I'm at in that regard.

So, back to the point of the texts on sunday

I didnt like the way this was escalating. Her being a complete b**ch, ignoring me and it was affecting my girls. It was childish bs. She was the mortally wounded victim of high moral standing while I was the a**hole??
NO, F**K THAT!
I took a risk that I would make it worse but I called her out.

Numerous cranky angry texts from her but I was f**kin relentless. I wasnt being an a**hole or being vindicive, I was just telling her the way it was, how it affected my family , the girls and I was really being honest. She squirmed and got angrier but I wasnt taking any of her lies or deflection. By the end, I got a semi apology(agreed to disagree) and that we would be civil with each other from now on, which was ALL I wanted. Its all about the girls to me and they've to got see that mom and dad get on ok and when we get divorced, it'll be fine and not stressful.
Anytime I have EVER confronted my wife over 12 years, I have ALWAYS caved in to her "better" judgement and just tried to keep the peace. This is the FIRST time I have ever kept up the argument when I knew she was wrong. It felt good and I'm glad that this childish ignoring crap can stop. Also, I was so scared of the D word that I could never do this kind of thing. I'm not scared of it anymore, its a good feeling.

Also, bear in mind that I'm not a citizen of this country( I can apply in March), we still have to file joint tax returns(this will be the last year) and it would be really hard to do if we were not communicating.

So, its been a lot better since. One email yesterday just sorting out holidays, kids stuff.
Quick short reply from me. Will stay NC. Just have too see her wed and fri mornings to pick up girls but that will be it til monday.
Also my mum(who is awesome) emailed her saying that she'd like to meet for lunch with W when they travel over.
My mum is doing it for me and my girls and its a nice gesture. My W possibly may never see her again and I know it meant a lot to W as she really loves and respects my mom.
She is not going back on the family whatsapp or anything, thats done.

Today is one of those good days.
I slept well and I woke up happy for the first time in a long time.
Had a really nice breakfast and chat with my girls and we walked to school with the dogs.
Things are looking up :-)

[doodler]

This is the FIRST time I have ever kept up the argument when I knew she was wrong. It felt good and I'm glad that this childish ignoring crap can stop. Also, I was so scared of the D word that I could never do this kind of thing. I'm not scared of it anymore, its a good feeling.

Morbo,

Totally awesome and good for you! This is a change that will likely stay with you for the rest of your life, and that's a good thing.

[petri]

Way to go Morbo! And hats off to your mum. My mum would probably kill my W. And my W is scared to see my mum.

[Surfer]

Morbo

How’s it going Chap?

Less painful than, say 2 months ago?

Why is that?

Surfer

[Morbo]

Less painful than, say 2 months ago?

Why is that?

In a word,acceptance.

I was trying so hard to save a marriage that W had no interest in. I was out of control. Its only in the last month that I've stepped away. Its made a big difference to my mental well being. I'm not as obsessed with W and just concerned with me and the girls.
I've also accepted her affair and that D is more than likely to happen.
I couldn't even conceive of that 2 months ago.