still struggling

[Jim1234]

I said "wow, sounds like you having a hard time..." and told her I knew she could handle it.

I don't understand. What did she say? What were you validating? Were you telling this to her, based on what your kids said in the phone conversation about their Christmas?

hmmmm you've got me wondering if validation pertains only to the relationship, or to other aspects of her life.

It specifically had to do with the water situation in her house. For some reason, it wasn't working, W and kids couldn't shower or wash dishes, etc. She texted me to tell me about her troubles.

I am thinking I validated how hard she must be having it, but expressed faith in her ability to handle it. Am I wrong about that? I'll go back and reread the validation sticky, but I'd appreciate your insight.

Either way, it didn't make much difference, because she didn't get the texts.....

[Verum]

I said "wow, sounds like you having a hard time..." and told her I knew she could handle it.

I don't understand. What did she say? What were you validating? Were you telling this to her, based on what your kids said in the phone conversation about their Christmas?

hmmmm you've got me wondering if validation pertains only to the relationship, or to other aspects of her life.

It specifically had to do with the water situation in her house. For some reason, it wasn't working, W and kids couldn't shower or wash dishes, etc. She texted me to tell me about her troubles.

I am thinking I validated how hard she must be having it, but expressed faith in her ability to handle it. Am I wrong about that? I'll go back and reread the validation sticky, but I'd appreciate your insight.

Either way, it didn't make much difference, because she didn't get the texts.....

I would say the first part of what you said is validation. If she was also expressing a feeling of being overwhelmed by the water being out, then the second part is not validation because you are essentially telling her that her feelings are wrong and she can handle it. If she was expressing feelings that she was working to fix the water problem, then yes it would be validation because you are confirming her feelings about her abilities.

[Jim1234]

If she was expressing feelings that she was working to fix the water problem, then yes it would be validation because you are confirming her feelings about her abilities.

She actually had someone in the house who was working the problem, so, I think it was this ^

[sandi2]

It specifically had to do with the water situation in her house. For some reason, it wasn't working, W and kids couldn't shower or wash dishes, etc. She texted me to tell me about her troubles.

I am thinking I validated how hard she must be having it, but expressed faith in her ability to handle it. Am I wrong about that? I'll go back and reread the validation sticky, but I'd appreciate your insight.

Okay, that's fine. I missed the part about the water problems. I couldn't figure out what you were doing, but sounds good, now that you explained it.

[artista]

I took your saying she could handle it as words of encouragement...

[Vanilla]

Jim

I read your comments about your earning potential.

Do not limit yourself in your career development just because WW may get more money from you.

If offered a promotion and development go for it.

V

[Jim1234]

Thanks V. I could take the promotion whenever I want; I don't want to do that right now. I enjoy what I do, and want to continue doing it for a while longer.

The question right now centers around picking up overtime, and then having to continue to pick up overtime in order to pay the increased child support and alimony.

[Vanilla]

Jim

Do whatever your L says is OK on the overtime. I was told to reduce my earnings as much as possible. And it mattered.

Move forward in life as fast as you can for your sake. It's a great compliment to be offered promotion. And often the wayward can go back and claim more cash anyway, an adjustment.

It's also for your kids too and they are 15 and 17. Although in some states I know child support can go to 21 if the child is in further education.

V

[Jim1234]

V, in my field, promotion is a matter of seniority, so it's not as much a compliment as you think, but I appreciate the thought.

Here support ends at 18, so I have 2.5 years left. She has floated the idea of me continuing child support while they're in college. I haven't told her ("I still need time to think on it"), but she's out of her mind if she thinks that's happening. I will continue to pay for their support, but I won't pay HER for their support. I don't know how she expects me to pay for college AND child support.

I just hate hate hate the idea of HAVING to work overtime because it seems like a vicious cycle. I pick up work 1 month out of three, so she takes a bigger bite of my earnings, so now I have to pick up work 2 out of three to pay for the bigger bite, so now she takes the biggest bite, and I have to work overtime every month......

[Jim1234]

I just had a nice interaction with my WAW. I was about to go to bed, and I get a text from her, "OMG water's out again and D16 needs a shower. Can she come over?" Of course she can.

WAW drives D16 over and D16 asks if I can drive her back to mom's. Sure, says I. WAW is waiting for D16 to tell her if I can drive her. I notice a stink bug on the wall, and instead of crushing it in the house, I follow my D16 back to the door to throw it in the trash. WAW says "thanks!". WAW goes on to say she was hoping I could drive D16 because she hadn't been able to put the trash out for a few weeks (WAW:"Not my fault") and trash was overflowing and she had to drive to a friends house to get rid of the excess. (Trash in my town is very regulated.... you get one large trash can full, and no more.) I open the trash can, throw away the crushed stink bug and very casually say no problem.

She didn't even ask if she could throw the trash in my can. I have plenty of excess capacity, and didn't offer. The old me would have. I like the idea of her driving trash quite a ways to her friend's house, leaving her car smelling like trash for a while.