I screwed up yesterday. We only use my W's electronic account for banking and she changed the password without telling me. I told her very calmly, I no longer had access. She thought I could see everything from my username, but I cannot because I'm an authorized user on the credit cards rather than joint. I suggested we just split the bank account in half right then and there. We did. She handed me her phone with the bank app open to see the balances. While I had her phone in hand, I decided to look at her messages -- yes snooping, which in the early part of DB-ing I did too much. I saw a message thread with a GF that my W confides in. The GF was asking, seemingly incredulously, that I would continue the marriage but not be friends. So this was referring to our email exchange. My W's portion of the exchange was brief:
W: I cannot fake it anymore [I take this to mean loving me and being in a marriage]
W: I feel awful
W: My guy friend told me in one year
The last line from my W made me instantly think there is an OM. It was like a sledgehammer to my chest. Could I be so foolish and not know?
I did not read the whole thread, so I'm taking things out of context. I have no idea what my W was responding to. Upon later reflection, I was thinking if there was an OM, why would she want to live together after the Divorce? Or in the backyard? Moreover, I know where she is almost 90% of the time. She has a new job, I know her activities, etc. There's no other evidence to support an OM. Then again, as others say on this board, why would a WAS leave a MR unless she had something to go to?
So this has caused me tremendous angst and my blood pressure to go up. Yet, I realize it changes my sitch in no way (other than to suggest there is no hope). It does not change what I need to do.
It was a weakness to look at her messages, and now I'm paying for it. A warning about why everybody on here says not to snoop.
BTW, in my state I understand they use a date of separation for division of property. So splitting the bank account is a good thing because from now on her expenses are from her half and mine from my half. All the bills go to her, and I told her I would pay half of all household expenses and any expenses involving the kids. I intend to honor this. Going forward I intend to adhere to the following principles:
1. honor the marriage until (if?) the actual divorce 2. fulfill all my obligations (such as paying half of household expenses) 3. stop, think, and make decisions that are (i) in my kids interest, (ii) favorable to me attaining my life goals, and (iii) to an uninterested observer would be deemed fair and reasonable.
I hope to look back on this time in my life and be able to say I handled myself well.
